Disintegration
by MidnightHalcyon
Summary: For years the tension between them has brewed. What happens when it finally reaches its boiling point, and how do they deal with the fallout when catastrophe strikes?
1. Chapter 1

**A/N: Hello all! After a long hiatus, I wanted to get back to writing again. I saw a request for something like this and decided to give it a go. This is set in Season 10 although Casey is still the ADA.** **Enjoy!**

 **Disclaimer: Sadly, I own nothing :(**

* * *

This wasn't supposed to happen. It was never meant to go this far.

They'd like to blame it on the alcohol, but really their mind was made up long before they started drinking

* * *

The case had left the members of 16th precinct a little more shaken than usual. Edward Murphy-serial rapist and killer with a penchant for small children-had paved a path of destruction throughout the city. In the end he had slipped up leaving Casey with more than enough evidence to lead a jury to convict.

Guilty on all counts. But that wasn't enough. No amount of punishment would be enough to console the 12 grieving families.

Olivia sighed and placed her hands on her temples, trying to massage away the stress and memories of the last few days. They had been so close to finding Murphy's last victim. Lily Knott had died moments away from salvation-the oversized knife protruding from her tiny body and her once lively eyes seeing no more.

Across from her Elliot roughly scrubbed his palm across his face, feeling the day old stubble brush his hand. He had stared at the papers before him until the letters blurred into unfamiliar words. Abruptly Elliot stood up, his chair hitting the ground with a crash and startling Olivia.

"That's it, I'm done for tonight," he announced to the nearly vacant squad room. "I need a drink, any takers?" Elliot paused for a minute to survey the tired faces of his colleagues.

"Nah, I'm gonna head out," Fin replied, putting aside his incomplete paperwork. "Got to be back here in the morning anyway. Last thing I need is a headache on top of the paperwork."

"Sadly not all of us have the good fortune of having the weekend off," Munch interjected while pulling on his coat.

Olivia put her hands down and looked up at Elliot.

"I'll come, Elliot." She also had the weekend off and going out with Elliot sounded a lot better to her than watching sappy Hallmark movies in her empty apartment. Olivia pushed back from her desk with more grace than Elliot had and started to head for the locker room. "Bye guys," she called out over her shoulder.

"Later Liv," They responded in unison resulting in Fin giving Munch a small glare and Munch smirking in response.

* * *

"Ready Liv?" Elliot asked as he leaned on the doorway. Olivia was currently bent over searching for something in her locker. Elliot chided himself as his eyes surreptitiously swept over her exposed backside. _Get a grip Stabler, you're married._

Olivia turned around, having finally retrieved her scarf from the bottom of her locker. She watched the myriad of emotions play across her partner's face before she interrupted.

"El, you ok?" Olivia asked with concern etched on her face. She had never seen her partner look so conflicted before.

Hearing his partner's voice forced Elliot to drag himself out of his internal debate.

"Yeah Liv, just thinking," and with that being said he turned to hold the door open for Olivia before following her out.

* * *

20 minutes later a yellow taxi pulled up in front of a nondescript bar on the corner. Phil Impatiently tapped his fingers against the steering wheel as he waited for the two passengers to pay their fare. He was eager to get home to watch the game he had recorded and enjoy a few beers in the privacy of his own home.

The man reached for his wallet, but the woman beat him to it. The man scowled as she paid their fee and retaliated by stepping out of the cab first and insistently holding out his hand. The woman merely rolled her eyes and resignedly slipped her hand into his allowing him to help her out the car. Phil huffed in annoyance as they lingered outside and eagerly sped away from the curb the moment they finally shut the door. He-after all-had a game to watch.

Olivia anxiously shifted on the sidewalk. Elliot had yet to relinquish her hand and the warm feel of his skin on hers sent a delightful tingle up her spine. This was the most intimate touch they'd had in ages; ever since he impulsively hugged her, he'd been careful to keep his distance. She couldn't deny, the change felt nice, she didn't want him to let go.

Elliot was slightly miffed that Olivia had paid the cabbie. It wasn't that he didn't appreciate it-five kids and a wife made money a little tight sometimes-but he had an image to protect. For all that driver knew, they were on a causal date and he was not the kind of man that went Dutch. In a desperate attempt to prove his chivalry, Elliot maneuvered out of the taxi and expectantly held out his hand. He knew she would play along lest she appear rude.

What Elliot did not anticipate was the sensation of her soft palm sliding into his. He gently pulled her onto the sidewalk next to him and found himself at a loss for words. He was struck by the urge to kiss her; this he realized was a bad idea. Absent-mindedly he reached behind her to shut the door gaping cab door. The squealing of the tires snapped him out of his fantasy that was quickly venturing into forbidden places.

Elliot awkwardly shuffled as he hastily dropped her hand. "We should probably 'ahem' get inside. It's getting cold," he murmured, his voice slightly raspy. Elliot strode ahead to the door leaving Olivia to trail behind him.

* * *

The bar was dimly lit and the faint odor of cigarette smoke lingered in the air. The interior suggested it had seen better days. The patrons, for the most part, kept to themselves and a more than a few were bent over nursing their beers. Elliot and Olivia made their way to the slightly full bar and settled onto the creaky stools.

An older bartender who looked as if he'd rather be in bed made his way over to them. "What'll it be," he queried, looking between the two of them.

"Two beers," Elliot interjected without sparing a glance at Olivia. After so many nights out with the squad he knew she wasn't into anything fancy. So the surprise on his face was evident when she corrected the bartender.

"Actually, I'll have an orgasm."

She wasn't sure what made her do it. A rosy blush colored with regret illuminated her cheeks the moment she said it. The impulse had surged in her and she had given in. Olivia knew a line had been crossed and she hated that she'd been the one to traverse it. She was just having a bit of innocent fun she rationalized. After that case, she needed to blow off a little steam. No harm done. Right?

Straightening her posture, Olivia turned to meet Elliot's eyes. She noted with some humor that he looked vaguely uncomfortable. "Problem El?" Olivia innocently inquired.

 _What the hell was she playing at?_ Elliot felt his face heat up as he shifted in his seat. This was supposed to be drinks after work, not a recipe for a hangover. He'd bet anything she said that just to force a reaction. She'd been doing that more and more lately, pushing his buttons just to get a reaction. Elliot wasn't about to give her the satisfaction. Two could play at that game.

The bartender slid their drinks across the counter and continued on to serve another patron. Olivia slowly reached for her cocktail before confidence gripped her and she seized it. She wasn't about to let Elliot think she'd gotten cold feet over her own reckless decision.

"An orgasm, Liv? I didn't know you liked those," Elliot casually inquired while picking at the label on his beer bottle.

Olivia's eyes widened just as she took her first sip. She choked as she slammed the glass back on the counter; the alcohol burning her throat.

"Excuse me!" she rasped her throat still suffering the aftereffects of the liquor.

"Shots, Olivia. I didn't know you liked shots. I always had you pegged for a beer and whisky kinda girl," Elliot clarified, smirking at the stunned expression on his partner's face. If she wanted to play dirty, he had no qualms against joining her.

Ignoring him, Olivia returned to her drink, this time letting the creamy concoction slowly slide down her throat while Elliot signaled the bartender. "I'll have what she's having," Elliot announced while envisioning the look on his partner's face before adding, "But make it a blow job."

Was he pushing boundaries Elliot pondered? Yes. Yes he was, and his lack of concern sent a jolt of alarm coursing through his system. Elliot clenched his fist in frustration, he knew he should've just gone home. Eli was waiting on his bedtime story and Kathy was waiting on him. Still, the numbing promise of alcohol had tempted him and the added company of his partner sealed his choice. Things hadn't gone too far yet Elliot reasoned. They were only having innocent-albeit crudely named-cocktails. He'd toss back a few with Olivia, make sure she got home safe, and then go home to his family.

Elliot reached out for the drink the bartender had brought and finished it in one gulp in an unsuccessful attempt to silence the nagging voice of doubt in his head.

* * *

Several shots and a couple beers later the duo was sufficiently inebriated. Elliot sat hunched over the counter while Olivia slumped on her stool, feet nearly touching the ground. The clanging bell signaling the entrance of more patrons jerked them out of their stupor.

"We should probably be heading home," Elliot muttered while trying and failing to clear his head. The fogginess in his head cruelly reminded him he wasn't 21 anymore. He grunted as he thought of the massive hangover he'd soon be greeting. "Come on Liv," Elliot mumbled, pushing himself up and reaching for his wallet.

He threw a handful of bills on the counter not caring to wait for the change while Olivia was preoccupied with trying to stand.

Shakily, Olivia got to her feet. Her mind was swimming, how much had she had to drink? _Damn Elliot for raising the stakes._ He'd matched her shot for shot until they were both too drunk to keep count. Olivia paused for a moment, waiting for the room to stop spinning before making eye contact with her partner.

Olivia slowly made her way to the door while Elliot came up behind her and hovered his hand behind the small of her back. She snorted at this. As drunk as they both were, if she went down he was nowhere near coordinated enough to catch her. Still, it was the thought that counts, Olivia mused.

Together the duo staggered outside and were greeted by the brisk chill in the night air. The street was dark and uncommonly devoid of any taxis. Olivia sighed, standing was hard enough and the furthest she wanted to go was to the curb. She reasoned they'd probably have to walk a few blocks to get to a more populated and cab-friendly place. A gust of wind rippled through the air making Olivia shiver. _Guess it's time to break out the heavier jacket._

Elliot sensed Olivia's movement beside him and instinctively wrapped an arm around her waist, pulling her to his side. Olivia looked up-caught off-guard and almost off-balance by the sudden movement. Elliot was intently scanning the streets as if he could force a taxi to appear by sheer force of will.

Olivia smiled at his unconscious action and let her head gently rest against his shoulder.

* * *

Elliot stiffened against another gust of wind and Turned to Olivia to suggest they start walking but his words were cut off by her waving at something over his shoulder. A taxi pulled up to curb beside them. Gratefully, Elliot pulled the door open for Olivia before sliding in beside her. He fidgeted with his seat belt while she gave her address to the driver.

Olivia turned to say something to Elliot but he was busy toying with his phone. She dismissed the thought, instead pulling her jacket tighter around her and settling back in her seat. The two of them lapsed into a comfortable silence for the duration of the ride.

15 minutes later the cab stopped outside Olivia's apartment building. Olivia leaned forward and rifled through her purse finding a few crumpled bills. She did her best to smooth them out before handing them to the cabbie. Mentally Olivia scolded herself for being so disorganized. She really needed to clean out her purse _._

"Thanks for the drinks, El. After this week, I needed it," Olivia said truthfully with a light blush rising on her cheeks as she recalled her particular choice of liquor. She ran her hand through her hair, grasped the door handle and turned to get out of the car. Synchronously Elliot opened his door and met her on the sidewalk.

"Hey, hold on a sec," he ordered the taxi driver who merely shrugged-nonplussed by the few extra bucks he'd be getting.

"Elliot, what are you doing," Olivia asked while pulling out her keys and swaying slightly.

"I'm walking you up Liv," Elliot answered, already headed for the building door. He managed to hold his liquor a bit better than she did although his vision was slightly blurry. Still, there was no way he was letting her stagger up four flights of stairs alone and if he was being completely honest with himself-he wasn't quite ready to leave her yet.

He missed the way they used to be; late night talks and 3 a.m. calls. Elliot knew they were drifting away but he wasn't about to let her go. They used to be best friends but lately their relationship had morphed into being strictly professional. That was going to change. Baby steps, he reasoned.

Olivia stayed where she was and her eyes narrowed. Who the hell did he think he was.

"You don't need to _escort_ me, Elliot," she hissed, the alcohol coursing through her system exacerbating her ire. "I'm a big girl, I can handle a few flights of stairs without a bodyguard." That was one of the things that aggravated her about him. At one time she had found his fierce protectiveness endearing, but now she resented it. He acted like it was his duty to save her- from perps to boyfriends to everything in between. She appreciated the sentiment but Olivia Benson was no damsel and she certainly wasn't in distress.

Elliot turned around, his hand resting on the door handle, with a mildly annoyed look on his face. Why did she have to choose now to start an argument? All he wanted to do was get her inside and make sure she made it to her apartment safely. Elliot had to admit that he had a tendency to be overprotective on occasion, but this wasn't one of those times. He just wanted to get her home so he could collapse into his own bed he told himself. He was already late, Eli was surely asleep by now and probably disappointed. Kathy must have read him his story, but he had promised Eli that he'd be home in time tonight.

"For Pete's sake Olivia, I know you can take care of yourself." Elliot snapped before taking a forced breath. In a softer tone he added "I just want to make sure you get home safe. I care about you, okay?"

Olivia studied Elliot's face and saw the sincerity to match his words along with a touch of exhaustion. She averted her eyes before relenting, "Fine El, you can walk me up, but then you're going home. Olivia pushed past him and unlocked the ground door leaving him to follow her.

Elliot smiled at his minor victory before trudging up the staircase behind his partner.

* * *

Olivia paused, gripping her keys in her hand as she reached to unlock her door. She hated to admit it, but she was glad he came up with her. She wasn't quite ready to say goodnight. Olivia opened the door and then froze, one hand lingering on the door knob. She looked over her shoulder at Elliot's slowly retreating form. Biting her lip she made a decision.

"Wait El. Would you like to come in?"


	2. Chapter 2

**A/N: Hey all, thanks for reading! Hope you're all enjoying it so far. Things heat up a bit in this chapter.**

 **Leave a review and let me know what you think!**

* * *

Elliot hesitated at the top of the stairs. He had heard Olivia call him, but he kept his back to her. He had been inside her place plenty of times. It wasn't uncommon for them to share a cup of coffee before saying goodbye, but deep down Elliot knew this time was different. Boundaries had been pushed tonight, but no actual line had been crossed…yet.

Elliot thought of the waiting cab. The ticking of the meter counting away the seconds left to decide. He knew what he should do; it shouldn't have even been a question.

All he had to do was decline.

Elliot tightened his grip on the wooden banister before letting out a breath. Wordlessly he made his choice and stalked back to the apartment before second thoughts could cross his mind.

* * *

It's just coffee. Olivia reminded herself as she pulled off her jacket and flung it onto the nearest chair. She padded to the kitchen while Elliot stepped out of his shoes. Olivia fiddled with the coffeepot and wandered back over to Elliot who was busy making himself comfortable on the couch. Soon enough the soft buzz of percolating coffee filled the apartment.

"Elliot, I," "Liv, we," they both began, intermeshing their words. Silence fell over them. Truth be told neither of them felt much like making idle conversation, not when the tension was so high. Things were different tonight and they both knew it.

Olivia leaned back on the couch as Elliot turned to face her. His eyes darkened as he scrutinized her, his gaze sweeping across her face. She stared back at him with equal intensity.

Imperceptibly they moved closer to each other until their lips were nearly touching. This was it, the last chance to back out, to play it all off as a poor combination of too much alcohol and too little sleep.

But neither relented.

Slowly Olivia pressed her lips to his and Elliot earnestly responded, deepening the kiss.

Outside, the idling taxi slowly pulled off into the night.

* * *

Olivia's fingers grasped at Elliot's collar while his arms snaked around her back, drawing her closer. They broke apart moments later, breathing hard. The line had been crossed. The only question now was how far past it were they willing to go.

Elliot lightly traced the exposed skin where Olivia's shirt had come untucked and she maintained her firm grip on his shirt. Elliot met her gaze, his eyes filled with questions.

"Liv, are you sure you want to do this," he inquired.

Part of Elliot hoped she'd say no; that she'd push him away and tell him he ought to go home, to his family. His family- who by now was sound asleep-not expecting him until morning.

He'd texted Kathy in the cab telling her he had to work late; she shouldn't wait up. He'd known from the moment they left the bar that he had no intention of going home tonight.

Elliot pushed down the rising sensation of guilt and focused his attention back on Olivia. He loved his wife; he'd never deny that, but right now he wanted his partner.

* * *

Did she want to do this? _Yes! Of course!_ her mind screamed at her. She had wanted this ever since she met Elliot, but now that he was here, a new question arose. Should they do it?

They hadn't gone too far yet she reasoned. This could all be chalked up as momentary lapse in judgment and never brought up again. She could get up right now, exchange awkward apologies with Elliot and see him out.

But she didn't want to.

* * *

Olivia lifted her head and firmly met Elliot's eyes. She shifted forward and leveled her mouth at his ear.

"Absolutely," she whispered.

It was like a switch had been flicked, shutting off all the doubts and guilt that rattled through their minds.

Their lips crashed together. Elliot ran his hands under Olivia's shirt, probing her soft skin while she nimbly undid the fastenings of Elliot's blue button down. They pulled apart long enough for Elliot to dispose of his shirt and slip Olivia's shirt over her head. He tossed it over the couch and the maroon article crumpled into a forgotten heap on the floor.

Elliot paused, his eyes roaming over Olivia bra-clad chest as he catalogued every curve of her figure. Olivia took advantage of his distraction and pushed his unbuttoned shirt off his shoulders, running her hands down the plains of his toned chest. He hungrily captured her lips in another deep kiss leaving his hands to play at the waistband of her jeans. Olivia pulled back.

"Bedroom, El," she breathed, her eyes darkening.

Needing no further coaxing, Elliot rose from the couch sweeping Olivia up with him. She wrapped her legs around his waist and continued her assault on his lips as they staggered toward the bedroom. Elliot nudged the door shut with his foot before carefully depositing Olivia onto the satin comforter.

The bed dipped slightly as Elliot eased his weight onto it causing Olivia's hip to collide with his knee. She leaned up and pulled him down beside her, hands unbuckling his belt.

Elliot slid his arm between the bedspread and her back, one hand fumbling with her bra while the other traced its way down her abdomen and began to unfasten her jeans.

A soft clink echoed in the small bedroom as his belt tumbled to the floor. Elliot rolled off the bed long enough to remove his pants the rest of the way, letting his plaid boxers slide down as well. Olivia sat up and tugged her jeans and panties down her legs allowing her unfastened bra to fall away as well.

"Christ Liv," Elliot uttered, lust consuming him.

"What's the matter El," Olivia smirked, "See something you like?"

She reclined back, her hair fanning out as her head softly hit the pillow. Elliot wasted no time maneuvered his way back onto the bed and placing a knee on either side of Olivia. He carefully straddled her hips and Olivia slowly ran her hands over Elliot's biceps. He took that as his cue.

He covered her lips with his, enjoying the soft feel of her mouth against his. Elliot pressed his tongue eagerly against her, and she moaned softly as she allowed him access to her mouth; their tongues darting around in a battle for dominance.

Olivia curled her fingers tighter around Elliot's arms as they broke away. Elliot gazed at Olivia's slightly flushed face before wrapping his hands around her wrists and pressing them to the bed. Starting at her jawline he began peppering her with light kisses, making a trail down her neck and stopping at her chest.

Elliot flicked his tongue out and traced a lazy circle around Olivia's right nipple feeling himself grow harder as she squirmed beneath him.

"Eugh, Elliot," Olivia growled, bucking her hips off the mattress.

Elliot smirked before resuming his ministrations on her other breast. His actions were sending small jolts of pleasure through her body until she couldn't take it anymore. Abandoning the last of her restraint Olivia exhaled,

"Just fuck me El."

Elliot slackened his grip on Olivia's wrists and his eyes widened. Christ, what was she trying to do to him. He had only imagined Olivia saying those words to him but now they played on a loop in his mind.

Elliot stared down at his partner-eyes half shut and hair fanned out like a warped halo-waiting for his next move. He knew he shouldn't, but he was far past the point of caring. He'd deal with the consequences when they came.

Elliot reached for the nightstand drawer, eager to oblige her.

He rifled haphazardly through the drawer until his hand closed around a foil wrapper. The remains of the package fluttered to the carpeted floor as Elliot repositioned himself.

Olivia's skin erupted with goosebumps. Elliot's muscled frame hovering over hers had firmly squelched any lingering doubts. She wanted him and she wanted him now.

Olivia brushed her hands over Elliot's forearms, her eyes dark with desire. She wrapped her hand around his length, stroking him gently and feeling her own desire increase as he groaned and twitched at her touch.

He shifted away from her grasp suddenly, his breath coming in short gasps. He wasn't going to last if she continued and she understood. Pulling him back to her, Olivia spread her legs allowing Elliot to nestle between her. As he positioned himself at her entrance he locked eyes with Olivia. A seductive grin was all the reassurance he needed.

Slowly Elliot slipped into his partner.

The two moved together, the gentle rocking mounting to a steady pace. The rhythm of their dance near seamless as though they had rehearsed it many times over. Their hands bypassed shyness and they confidently explored the other's body. They spoke without words, utterly lost in the moment.

Leaning closer, Elliot latched onto a sensitive spot near her ear making her gasp from the warm pressure. The tempo quickened and Olivia raked her nails across Elliot's broad back feeling his muscles tense as they reached the crescendo. He stilled as a deep shudder ran through him while her back arched from the bed, cries mimicking his.

They collapsed into each other, chests heaving in tandem. They lay together, coming down from their high. Slowly they began to untangle their tired limbs from one another, a thin sheen of sweat covering them and the sticky scent of sex hovered in the air. Elliot rolled next to Olivia after depositing the spent condom in the waste by the nightstand.

They lay side by side, arms lightly touching, neither in any hurry to fill the silence.


	3. Chapter 3

**A/N: Hey y'all, thanks for reading :)**

 **Feel free to let me know what you think!**

* * *

2:13. the bright red LED numbers glowed in the darkened room.

Elliot blinked, rubbing at his eyes. He could've sworn his clock flashed green. He shifted around atop the bed and stopped when he felt a hard object pressing into his back. Curiously he rolled over and caught the outline of a figure huddled near his side.

Elliot frowned, Kathy usually slept on her back. He stared in puzzlement for a bit until the events of last night caught up to him. Him, taxi, Olivia, bar. A kiss...amongst other things.

Oh God, he had done it. The thing he'd always wanted, but had vowed to never act on. He had slept with his partner.

Carefully Elliot lifted himself off of the comforter. They hadn't even bothered to pull it down. Elliot stole one last lingering look at Olivia before draping his side of the comforter over her nude form in a retroactive attempt at modesty.

He crept around the darkened room feeling for articles of his clothing. Biting his tongue, he held back a string of curses after bumping into her vanity. Elliot dressed as quickly and quietly as he could being careful not to wake Olivia. He hesitantly opened the bedroom door, grateful that it didn't squeak.

Elliot hastily strode across the living room and slid his feet back into his work boots. With his jacket on and one hand on the door, Elliot paused for a second. He knew it was wrong to leave, this wasn't just a casual hook-up. But at the same time, he couldn't imagine waking up with her; the evidence of what they had done illuminated by the day.

It was a onetime deal. The result of lowered inhibitions and unrestrained lust. This was a mistake but it didn't have to change them. They'd handle this the same way they dealt with every other rift in their partnership. They'd ignore it and move on. It was better this way.

* * *

Elliot grit his teeth against another gust of wind as he carefully eased his key into the lock. Shutting the door as quietly as he could, Elliot toed off his shoes and headed for the stairs. He paused at the top; blue eyes darting from the bedroom and the bathroom.

He wanted a shower. A chance to wash away the sweat and shame that itched at his skin. Elliot weighed the options in his mind before inching toward the door.

He squinted into the darkened room. The hallway light tricked inside allowing Elliot to make out the sleeping figure of his wife. Elliot eased the door closed and maneuvered his way over to the bed. Stripping down to his boxers, Elliot slowly slid between the covers. Kathy unconsciously moved toward him while he made himself comfortable.

The shower would have to wait. He's already be fielding enough questions in the morning, he didn't want to risk waking Kathy and then have to explain why he was showering at 3 a.m. He knew there would be no plausible explanation. And besides, a small part of him thought, he didn't want to wash her off of him.

 _It was more than just sex,_ Elliot surmised. They always had a special connection, but last night had pushed the boundaries of their relationship to a new level. He knew last night couldn't happen again but he'd be lying if he said he didn't want it to.

Wrapping his arms closer around his wife, Elliot shut his eyes and allowed a restless slumber to overtake him.

* * *

Olivia awoke to the colors of a muted yellow mixed with beige. The sunlight streaming through her drawn curtains cast a soft glow over her bed. She squeezed her eyes shut and pulled the comforter up higher.

Originally she loved the idea of an apartment facing east; she had pictured herself waking early to watch the sunrise. However, this was rarely the case. She was either up and out the door before the sun, or too busy trying to catch up on sleep to care. Today was proving to be the latter.

Olivia drew the comforter around her closer after feeling the cool air of her room brush over her. She felt unusually more exposed than normal and a brief examination told her why.

Olivia sprang up, bewilderment tumbling through her mind. _Where the hell are my clothes?_

She wasn't one to sleep nude; at least not in this weather. Panic began creeping up inside her before clarity emerged. Last night came flooding back in vivid memory.

 _Oh God_. Olivia clapped her hand over her mouth as her eyes widened. _Elliot and I…NO_.

Olivia got up, nearly tripping as the cover had entangled around her ankle. She darted down the hall to her bathroom and turned on the taps. Cupping her hands, Olivia splashed the cool water onto her face trying to clear her mind.

The pieces of last night steadily trickled back and Olivia gripped the counter for support. She buried her face in a fluffy towel by the sink as it sunk in. _I had sex with Elliot. My partner. My married partner._

Dropping the towel on the floor, Olivia ran her hand through her tangled brown locks and bit her lip. There was no taking back what they had done. Although if she were being honest with herself, she didn't want to. She'd be lying if she said she hadn't fantasized for years about what happened last night.

But it shouldn't have happened. He wasn't hers to have. They were supposed to be partners; nothing more. She had to let that dream die.

* * *

Elliot blinked as he awoke and rubbed his hand over his eyes. Extending his arm, he brushed across nothing but rumpled sheets. The clock beside the bed proudly displayed 8:53 in green LED. Early enough for Kathy to be awake but the kids would be out till noon.

Elliot gingerly sat up and made his way to the bathroom. Two bleary red-rimmed eyes stared back at him from the mirror. Elliot grimaced at his reflection, he looked like hell. Elliot gripped the edges of the sink as the steady pang of a headache echoed through his skull. He'd known the moment he ordered that shot at the bar that he would regret it. Although right now, the alcohol wasn't the only thing he was regretting.

Elliot discarded the remainder of his clothes and stepped into the shower. He fiddled with the taps until a stream of water engulfed him as began to wash away all but his guilt.

* * *

Olivia pulled the blanket up further around her as she flipped through the channels for the third time. She lay sprawled on her couch for what had seemed like ages. The takeout containers that littered the coffee table bore witness to her sedentary behavior. Olivia tossed the remote down in a mix of frustration and defeat. It was no use, her distractions weren't working.

Her headache was the only thing that had evaporated from last night; the memories still appeared crystal clear in her mind. She cursed herself for dwelling on this. It wasn't like it was her only one night stand. _But it was the only one you cared about,_ her mind cruelly reminded her.

Olivia abruptly rose from the couch, letting the blanket pool around her feet on the floor. She couldn't take it anymore. She'd nearly wasted a whole day pining over what never should've happened. Olivia headed to her bedroom in search of proper clothing. _What did you think was going to happen_ she admonished herself. _That you'd wake up in Elliot's arms, he'd tell you he loved you, and you would live happily ever after?_

Olivia scoffed at her naivety. She was acting like some schoolgirl with a crush. Now fully clad in her favorite workout gear, Olivia bent to lace up her tennis shoes. A good run always cleared her mind and right now that was just what she needed.

* * *

20 minutes later Elliot made his way downstairs still feeling more than a little hung over. He ambled towards the kitchen and found Kathy sitting at the table cradling a coffee mug seemingly lost in her thoughts.

"Elliot," Kathy uttered, setting the mug down on the table, "I thought you'd be spending the night at the precinct. Did you and Olivia finish what you needed to do?" she innocently inquired, meeting his eyes.

Elliot felt his face begin to heat up. They'd certainly done _something_.

"Uh, yeah," he hastily responded.

Elliot registered a growing unease the longer he maintained eye contact with his wife. They had come so far in fixing their relationship and in one night he had shattered it into pieces. As uncomfortable as he was with lying to her, he knew the truth was out of the question. Elliot turned his back to Kathy and began toying with the coffeemaker instead.

"Liv and I found enough to catch the guy. Figured I'd come home and catch a few Z's instead of in the cribs."

"Well I'm glad you're home," Kathy said as she pushed back from the table and leaned across Elliot to deposit her mug in the sink. She planted a gentle kiss on his cheek.

"You've got a busy day ahead of you", she said.

In response to Elliot's puzzled expression, she added, "Eli's insisting you make up for missing his bedtime story." Kathy turned and walked out of the room, leaving Elliot leaning against the counter with a vague look on his face.

* * *

40 minutes later Olivia reentered her apartment. Locking the door behind her, she leaned against it to catch her breath. She'd pushed herself harder than usual, but it was worth it. Panting slightly, Olivia headed for the bathroom stripping off items as she went. The run had tired her out and she almost managed to keep her mind off of Elliot for the entire duration. Olivia stepped into the shower and let the warm spray of water soothe her aching joints and racing thoughts.

* * *

Elliot drug his tired body back into bed. Eli was serious about his father making it up to him. Elliot grimaced at the audible popping sound his knee had made. Hours of kneeling on the floor building Lego worlds with his son was beginning to take its toll.

Still, Elliot was grateful for the time he got to spend with him. He felt like he barely saw the other kids anymore. As soon as they woke up the twins were racing out the door and Kathleen and Maureen were preoccupied with school.

Reclining further back on the bed, Elliot tried to make himself comfortable. He had just settled into a semi-comfortable position when Kathy entered the room. He absentmindedly watched as she went through her usual ritual: let down hair, open middle drawer, pull out pajamas, brush hair, put on pajamas. Except this time she skipped the last step.

Kathy turned and sauntered towards their bed. Pulling the covers over her, she edged her way to Elliot. At the feel of her bare flesh pressing against him Elliot suddenly felt overdressed in his old military tee and boxers. As Elliot reached for the hem of his shirt feelings of guilt began to resurface in his mind. _Am I really going to sleep with Kathy like everything's okay when I just cheated on her?_

Elliot lay flat on his back, eyes open and staring at the ceiling. Never before had he imagined he'd have sex with two different women in the same 24 hour period. Of course, he didn't think he'd ever cheat on his wife either.

A deep sigh escaped his throat; he felt utterly ashamed of himself, but not because of the affair. Elliot squeezed his eyes shut in a fruitless attempt to shut out the truth. He hadn't been thinking about his wife at all; he was imagining Olivia.

* * *

Back in Manhattan, Olivia turned down the covers of her bed. Tomorrow would be different, she resolved. She was going to get Elliot off her mind; she had to.


	4. Chapter 4

**A/N Thanks for reading and reviewing!**

* * *

Early the next morning, Elliot sat stiffly in the pew. He caught bits and pieces of the priest's words and did his best to look attentive, but his mind was far elsewhere. He was torn between feeling guilty for what they had done and guilty for wanting to do it again.

Elliot sat trancelike for the remainder of mass, vaguely going through the motions. At the end of the service while Kathy was occupied with ushering the kids out of the church, Elliot's eyes flickered over to the confessionals. For a brief moment he entertained the thought of coming clean and trying to make amends. Elliot almost took a step towards them, but restrained himself.

His marriage was finally on the road to recovery and he was closer to his kids. A confession would ruin everything. _It was a one-time thing. I don't need to tear apart my family over a simple mistake._ With his mind made up, Elliot placed an arm around his wife and headed out of the church with his kids in tow.

* * *

Olivia knelt on her countertop, arm extended and hastily waving a newspaper. The shrill screeching of the smoke alarm echoed through her quaint apartment. Exhaling with relief as the noise finally ceased, Olivia slid back onto the floor and tossed the paper on the counter.

Olivia walked over to the sink and peered at the solitary skillet floating in the sudsy water. Inside it lay the charred remains of what used to be an omelet in the making. Olivia sighed as she grasped the handle. _So much for having something other than coffee for breakfast._ She scrutinized the skillet and debated the worth of chiseling out the blackened eggs before picking up the dripping pan and depositing the whole thing in the trash. _There's a reason I don't cook._ She wouldn't miss the skillet.

Olivia cinched her robe tighter and walked over to her coffeepot resorting to her usual breakfast. She grunted as she picked up the carafe. The pot already was filled to the brim, with cold coffee. Olivia furrowed her brows as she stared at the coffee before her eyes widened with realization. This was the drink that she and Elliot never shared.

Unconsciously, her mind wandered back to their distraction. His lips on hers, his hands on her-Olivia forcefully shook herself out of her thoughts. _It's over. Let it go._ What was done was done, she couldn't let herself revisit memories that could never again become reality. Olivia upturned the carafe and watched the deep brown liquid swirl down the drain, taking with it her last longings of that night. Olivia turned her back and set about making a fresh pot.

* * *

Elliot settled back in his bed, arm loosely draped around his wife. He was worn out and ready for sleep. After church he had gone out to eat with his family. A nice little custom of theirs that had been neglected over the years, usually due to him being absent. The house was finally silent after he wrangled Eli into bed with promises of reading his favorite bedtime story, _Goodnight Moon._

He rarely ever got to spend the entire weekend with his family. Someone always had to go somewhere or do something. It was nice, but if he was being honest, he was looking forward to work in the morning. He loved his family-he did, but he couldn't seem to shake Olivia from his mind.

Elliot frequently thought about her, it was natural he surmised. They worked together nearly every day, and besides that they were best friends. Still, she had invaded his thoughts more often as of late. Specifically, since last Friday.

 _I should have walked away. I should have walked back down the stairs and into the waiting taxi._ But he didn't. And the thing was-he didn't feel guilty because of what they'd done. He felt guilty that he didn't regret it.

Elliot closed his eyes, more ready than usual for work in the morning.

* * *

Olivia shut her book and placed it on the nightstand. She reached over to set her alarm and turned off the light. She had managed to keep busy all day, catching up on some errands she'd been putting off. After running to the bank, post office, grocery, and window shopping- all the while battling the typical New York City traffic; she hadn't had the chance to dwell on errant memories.

Olivia knew she couldn't ignore what they had done, but it didn't have to be a big issue. It didn't have to change them-no matter how much she may have wanted it to. Still, she couldn't quell the growing unease in her stomach. Would Elliot take the same approach? If he wanted them to be something more, she honestly didn't know if she'd have the presence of mind to refuse. _Is it really so wrong for me to want to be happy?_ Olivia pulled the cover higher, letting it drape over her and shut out the outside world. She closed her eyes and drifted into a dreamless sleep, for once dreading going to work.

* * *

The 1-6 was filled with the usual hustle and bustle of a Monday morning. The chatter of cops and criminals and the occasional attorney all blurred together creating the semblance of a fast-paced environment. Amidst this crowd, in the less congested area of the building resided four desks, only two of which were occupied.

Fin and Munch sat at their respective desks filling out various forms.

"Did you know," Munch began, setting his pen down and glancing at Fin.

"If it's another one of your conspiracy theories, I don't wanna." Fin grumbled without looking up from his papers.

"The truth behind the government's shady dealings in Roswell is more than a mere _theory_ Fin, it's"

"Again, don't care," Fin interrupted. He was not in the mood to listen to another of Munch's wild ramblings. The last time he had indulged his partner, he ended up learning more than he ever cared to know about the secret affairs of UFOs.

Fin looked up, relived to see Olivia entering the squad room just as Munch was gearing up again for what was sure to be a long-winded lecture.

"Hey, Liv," Fin called out breaking Olivia's stride.

"Never been more relieved to see you. Will you kindly tell my bony-ass pain in the butt partner that it's too early for another one of his crazy conspiracies?"

Olivia paused before setting her jacket and bag down on her desk.

"What is it this time, aliens or the government?" Olivia asked as she headed over to the coffeepot. She'd already had a cup before leaving home but judging by the fact that she hadn't been called in all weekend, Fin and Munch already needed a referee, and Elliot had yet to arrive; she suspected it was going to be a long day.

"Both actually," Munch interjected, beating her to the coffee.

"Allow me," he said, gesturing to the coffeepot with a flourish.

Olivia hesitated and weighed her options. If she insisted on making the coffee, Munch would likely take the rejection as a right to inform them on the new theory out of Roswell or wherever. On the other hand, if she stayed silent, she'd be guaranteed a cup of bad coffee. But seeing as Munch was rarely allowed to touch the coffeepot, he'd probably consider that his victory and let the issue drop. Conspiracies or bad coffee, a tough decision.

Fin scrutinized the situation from his desk. To an outsider, it probably looked like nothing special but Fin understood the compromise being silently debated.

"Sure, John, be my guest," Olivia conceded stepping back to her seat. She caught the near comical look of gratitude Fin sent her way before she set about arranging her desk while Munch busied himself with creating a concoction he claimed to be coffee.

The squad room had settled back into silence as the three of them busied themselves with their respective tasks. Olivia sat typing at her desk when the door opened and a figure bustled in. Taking long strides, Elliot approached his desk before sinking into his chair. Olivia raised an eyebrow in question.

"Kids slept through the alarm, missed the bus, had to drive them," Elliot hastily explained without looking at Olivia. He settled his items on his desk with more force than necessary, venting his frustration. Elliot had planned on getting to the precinct early so he'd have the chance to talk to Olivia alone but as it was…

"Got a vic at Mercy. Benson, Stabler, go." Cragen commanded, exiting his office.

Olivia was already standing and slipping on her jacket, her back turned to Elliot.

Their conversation would have to wait.

Elliot mimicked her movements, but stopped to grab a quick cup of coffee for the drive. He took a sip before his face twisted into a grimace. He frowned at the cup, "What the hell is wrong with this coffee?"


	5. Chapter 5

The drive to Mercy began in an awkward silence. Elliot kept a firm grip on the wheel, his vision fixated on the road while Olivia peered out of the window, intensely scrutinizing the familiar scenery as though she had never seen it before. The tension between them now that they were alone was palpable.

The speech that Elliot had meticulously rehearsed had fled his memory and he suspected that Olivia was experiencing the same problem. _What should I say? There's a reason one-night stands mainly occur between strangers,_ Elliot mused.

For her part, Olivia hadn't planned on saying anything. She stared watching the colors of the city blur together as the crown vic whizzed past the sedentary structures. Her weekend had been a time of confusion to say the least. She had barely gotten any sleep last night. The thought of seeing Elliot and more precisely speaking to Elliot had kept her up. There wasn't a proper protocol for this type of thing. _What exactly do you say to the person you just had an affair with?_ Somehow sorry just didn't seem to cut it.

Elliot eased up on the wheel as he pulled into the parking space. Whatever he had wanted to say to Olivia would have to wait.

* * *

They walked into the hospital and approached the desk. The nurse, who had seen Elliot and Olivia many times before merely grabbed a file before indicating for them to follow her.

"Her name is Lorna Jackson, she's got some pretty bad contusions and a couple of fractures," The nurse announced as they fell in step with her. "She's new to the area; that's all she told us." The nurse stopped in front of a curtain.

"Lorna, the detectives are here now," she called out softly before turning and leaving Elliot and Olivia alone.

Olivia and Elliot exchanged a look before Olivia pulled back the curtain and entered the small area. Despite the unresolved discomfort between them, they seamlessly slipped back into their professional roles-no words required.

"Hello Lorna, I'm Detective Benson," Olivia introduced looking at the frail looking woman on the crisp white sheets, "And this is my partner, Detective Stabler."

Elliot eased into the room following his introduction. The woman tensed but then relaxed. Elliot stayed in the room but kept his distance allowing Olivia to take the lead.

"Lorna, can you tell us what happened?" Olivia inquired.

"Um sure," Lorna fidgeted, releasing her firm grip on the bed sheet. She adjusted her large, green, glasses that only illuminated the dark bruise forming on her temple and making the hospital bracelet slide down her narrow wrist.

"It was early this morning, the sun wasn't quite up yet. I was, um, walking around, alone. It was stupid, I shouldn't have-"

"This wasn't your fault." Olivia gently interrupted. Her heart breaking for the frightened young woman.

"Um, right, so I was, I was going for a walk. I thought I should try to start finding my way around the city and I'm always up before the sun anyway. I just moved here from Wallowa, Oregon. It's a pretty small town," Lorna added, ducking her head.

"I was just trying to figure out the best way to get to the subway and when I turned around there was this man standing behind me. He, he, um, he grabbed my wrist and pulled me into an alley. I tried to scream but…he started hitting me. He pulled my skirt up and he r-raped me." Lorna paused, quickly swiping away a stray tear.

"Did this man say anything to you Lorna?" Elliot asked from his spot in the corner.

"Um, yes. When he was d-done he said 'That's what bitches like you get for coming here'." Lorna finished, one hand back to gripping the sheet while the other rested on her lap, firmly encased in a bright green cast and her brown hair falling into her face.

"You did great Lorna," Olivia soothed, "We're going to have you work with a sketch artist when you get discharged. We're going to catch this guy," Olivia assured.

Lorna just nodded as Elliot opened the curtain and followed Olivia back into the lobby.

* * *

Once out of the hospital, Olivia and Elliot resumed their vows of silence and endured a quiet drive back to the station. Back in the squad room Munch and Fin had started setting up the bulletin board, and were waiting for Elliot and Olivia to fill in the missing pieces.

Upon shedding their jackets, they launched into the case.

"So how did the perp know she was new to the city?" Fin queried, leaning on the edge of his desk.

"Not necessarily a hard distinction," Munch noted, looking up from his computer, "I checked the population of Wallowa, small is an understatement. Moving from a small town to a big city would leave anyone looking more than a little overwhelmed. Easy for a predator to pick up on."

"It's possible he's done this before," Olivia piped up. "Lorna quoted him as saying 'bitches like you'."

"Ok, good," Cragen announced from his post. "You three start looking for similar MO's. Munch, see where that sketch artist is. If this guy's done this before, we need to find him before he strikes again.

Cragen headed back into his office and the squad dispersed.

* * *

The day progressed as usual. Phone calls, tips, and possible leads commenced but nothing panned out. Fin stepped out around one to pick up lunch orders from the nearby deli. Aside from a bit of idle small talk, they ate a quick meal before getting back to work.

Elliot tried to catch Olivia's eye but she didn't seem to notice. He wasn't sure if this was deliberate or if she just had her mind on the case. Before he could further consider this, Fin interrupted the silence.

"Found something. Mia Hartless, unknown assailant raped her in Prospect Park. Told her 'You bitches need to learn to stay away.' She's also a Nebraska native. Happened 2 weeks after she moved here."

"Could be part of a pattern," Elliot reasoned while heading over to the board, "some kind of grudge against out of towners."

"It definitely is," Olivia supplied, standing up from her desk. "Chloe Zimmer, from South Carolina. She was raped a week after moving here. Perp pulled her behind a rundown building, said 'You bitches should have stayed at home'."

"Why didn't we know about this?" Cragen interrupted.

"Wasn't our area, happened in Brooklyn and the Bronx," Fin answered.

"Well it's our case now. Fin, Munch, go see what the lab has to say. Olivia and Elliot reinterview Mia and Chloe, see if they remember anything else."

The squad divided themselves to their respective tasks at the captain's directive. The hours drug on and the day passed ultimately without event. Near the end of the day they all reconvened.

"Lab confirmed the samples in the kits all match, but the perps' not in the system cap."

"Our vics didn't have anything to add to their original reports either," Elliot chimed in following Fin's statement.

"What do you want us to do now?" Truthfully, Olivia doubted there was anything left to do. They had exhausted all possible leads and the evidence was useless without anything to compare it to. She was wistfully hoping for a solution they hadn't yet thought of.

Cragen pinched the bridge of his nose, pitifully trying to stave off a budding headache. He hated cases like this. "Go home, get some rest. There's really nothing more we can do unless…" he trailed off but the implication was clear.

Unless another woman was attacked and the perp left behind damming evidence, there was no way of getting the guy.

Slowly everyone began gathering up their things. No one really wanted to go home, but there was nothing more to be done.

* * *

Olivia exchanged her goodbyes to Munch, Fin, and the Captain before she tugged on her well-worn leather jacket and rifled through her purse for a pair of gloves. She resigned herself to having to stick her hands in her pockets after her search came up empty.

Olivia glanced toward the locker room. For a change Elliot had opted to put his jacket away instead of haphazardly slinging it on the back of his chair like he usually did.

She paused, trying to decide if she should wait for him. Olivia knew she had been avoiding talking to Elliot and vice versa. She was aware that pretending nothing had happened wasn't the best choice but damn if she didn't prefer their silence to what was sure to be a strained conversation. Biting her lip, she picked up her purse and hurried out of the squad room before Elliot could emerge. _This isn't the time._ She wasn't really running away she reasoned, just prolonging the inevitable.

* * *

Olivia clenched her hands in her pockets as she made her way down the dimly lit street. The city seemed strangely quiet tonight. Her hair fluttered across her face as the wind picked up causing the trash cans in the nearby alley to rattle. Olivia drew in closer to herself and picked up her pace. Her thoughts drifted to the warm bath she intended on having, but a soft thud behind her yanked her from her daydreams.

Footsteps.

Olivia's head snapped up and her skin prickled in anticipation. She was suddenly on full alert. Olivia exhaled and forced herself to remain at her current pace while she slowly eased her hand towards her gun. Before she could reach it, a firm hand grabbed her arm.

* * *

 **A/N: Thanks for reading!**


	6. Chapter 6

**A/N: Thanks for reading and reviewing!**

* * *

Olivia stifled a scream as she wrenched her arm free and whirled around to face her would be assailant, hand atop her gun.

"Whoa, easy Liv! It's just me."

Olivia's face tightened into a glare. "What the hell Elliot! You nearly gave me a heart attack" Olivia glowered at her partner who had raised his hands in a placating manner.

"Sorry Liv, I was going to call out to you but I didn't want to startle you. Guess that wasn't the best idea either," Elliot finished, a sheepish grin overtaking his face.

Still miffed, Olivia ignored his apology. "What do you want Elliot?" she inquired, crossing her arms.

"I think we need to talk Liv." Elliot said, all traces of humor now gone.

"Fine El," Olivia relented after a brief pause. She had racked her mind for an excuse, but came up empty. This had to happen eventually, no sense in putting it off any longer. Turning on her heel she headed in the direction of a small 24 hour diner not far from her apartment with Elliot trailing behind her.

* * *

Elliot relaxed marginally at her acceptance. He hadn't planned on talking to her tonight but he also knew he couldn't bear going another day without speaking to her. The squad room was empty when he had exited the locker room with his jacket.

He figured she hadn't gotten far, and he knew the route she usually took. Elliot took a shortcut through an alley he knew she tended to stay away from before he caught sight of her. He almost backed out of confronting her; he didn't know exactly what he was going to say. But this was Olivia, he'd never needed a script to talk to her before.

* * *

They settled down in a booth touching the window after ordering two coffees. Their waitress, a perky blond girl named Lola, scrambled off to get their order. How she had so much energy at this hour was beyond their comprehension.

They pointedly avoided looking at each other until Lola returned with their drinks. With both hands wrapped around the steaming hot mugs, the heat emanating from them spurned them to speech.

"So what was it you wanted to talk about Elliot?" Olivia asked, settling back into the booth and calmly bringing the cup to her lips.

Elliot's jaw tensed. Olivia noticed his irritation, but she expected nothing less. She didn't want to have this talk at all and she had no intention of making it easy.

Hands clenched around the mug, he spewed, "Cut the crap Liv. You know damn well what I'm talking about."

Elliot leveled his eyes with hers. She stared back at him, the epitome of calm and ultimately unruffled. As though they weren't about to discuss the most pivotal moment in the history of their partnership. They may as well have been talking about the damn weather for all the concern she showed.

"Oh. You mean our little tryst," Olivia responded between sips. She wasn't sure what brought on her callous attitude and it wasn't a matter she cared to further examine. Because right then, being that close to him; she could see the spark igniting behind his bright blue eyes, and she didn't want it extinguished.

Elliot could feel the vein in his forehead throbbing. He was not in the mood for this right now. Here he was, trying to figure out where they go from here and she's acting like it doesn't even matter. Like three nights ago he didn't have his lips wrapped around her- _No_. Elliot shook his head. He couldn't allow himself to revisit those images. At least not now.

Olivia suspected what he was after. He wanted to tell her it was all a mistake. It never should have happened, _they_ never should have happened. He'd blame the alcohol, the case, even her; but he wouldn't apologize, because he had too much to lose. And really, what did she expect. He's Elliot fucking Stabler, devoted husband, loving father of five. Certainly not the kind of man who has a drunken fling with his partner.

He wasn't looking for a discussion, he was looking for absolution.

He'd be too happy to sweep this all under the rug, pretend like it never happened and at this Olivia scowls. He may be ready to forget about it, but she wasn't. Not when she still had flashes of his lips against hers, of their bodies enmeshed together.

Olivia stopped in her reverie, feeling her skin begin to flush. He didn't get to do this. He couldn't just untangle himself from the mess they created because it's inconvenient. Because he's suddenly become aware of the consequences.

Olivia let her eyes slide back over him. He was tense, his knuckles turning white from his grip on his undisturbed mug. She could see the strain that holding his temper was causing. _Good_ , she thought.

Elliot sat stonily watching his partner. She'd been silent for far too long, yet he sensed that it still wasn't his turn to talk. He could detect the myriad of emotions that flashed across her face. Elliot rubbed his wrist and unconsciously glanced at his watch. An exasperated sigh made him look up. Across the booth Olivia was glaring at him, eyes blazing, as though he had somehow committed some great offence. Before he could get a word in she stood up and snarled,

"Just go home Elliot, I'm sure your _wife_ is waiting on you." With that she stalked out of the diner leaving him with two cups of coffee and without a clue.

* * *

Elliot sat at the booth a bit longer before paying the bill and heading back outside. To say what just occurred confused him would be an understatement. Elliot mulled over the conversation in his mind as he flagged down a cab. _What did Kathy have to do with anything?_ They were supposed to be talking about what had occurred between them.

Elliot loved his wife. He did, but being with Olivia was…different. The night they came together, their bodies collided perfectly. They knew exactly where to touch and tease, as though they had done it a hundred times before. Try as he might, he couldn't forget her. They were already good friends and better partners; it only stood to reason that they would make great lovers.

Elliot froze, his hand gripping the handle as the taxi whizzed down the street. Was he really considering this? Was he actually considering leaving his wife for another woman? Absentmindedly, he twirled the gold band on his ring finger. Things were still tense between him and Kathy, but they were getting better. He would be crazy to throw away the life they had built all because of one mistake with his partner.

 _The partner who you love_ a voice whispered in his head. Elliot tried to quash the thought but he couldn't quite extinguish it. If he were honest with himself, he had loved Olivia for a while. What happened between them that night was just the final straw that forced him to acknowledge the truth.

Outside a house in Queens, the cab pulled aside to drop off its passenger. Elliot Stabler made his way up the stairs and prepared for another sleepless night.

* * *

The door slammed shut behind her, but Olivia barely noticed the sound. She fumbled with the lock before kicking off her boots and jacket. Angrily, she swiped at her eyes and made her way to the bathroom. She had wanted to be honest with him, confess how she really felt and see where it all went. But she had doubts as to whether or not he felt the same, and the moment he glanced at his watch confirmed it. Elliot had his priorities and she wasn't high on the list. He wasn't going to uproot his family for her. Any potential intimate relations between them would be done in secret. Olivia was a lot of things but she wasn't about to become the other woman. She couldn't do that to Kathy, or to herself. Peeling off her clothes, Olivia stepped into the hot shower.

She was a fool for thinking they could be more. That one drunken mistake would change everything. _He isn't in love with you,_ Olivia berated herself, but it did nothing to ease the pain. Elliot was her partner, her best friend, and the longest relationship she ever had with a man but dammit, she wasn't supposed to fall in love with him.

* * *

Outside, the New York City sky slowly morphed from gray to pale blue. Dim tendrils of sunlight began to creep from behind the clouds, faintly illuminating the leather clad figure pacing down the streets of Manhattan. Olivia Benson pulled her jacket snugly around her as she made her way to the precinct.

This case was bothering her more than usual. She wanted to get to work to early so she could go over the files again. The squad had already worked every lead into a dead end, but still; waiting for another victim was not an option, there had to be _something_ they were missing.

The sun wasn't fully up yet but the city was already showing signs of life. Not far off the sound of screeching brakes and swearing could be heard. Olivia vaguely considered investigating but something else caught her attention before she made up her mind. There was a faint noise emanating from the alley, like whimpering.

Olivia pulled out her badge and placed a hand on her gun before venturing toward the source of the noise. Squinting, she saw two figures huddled against the brick wall.

"NYPD, is everything alright?" Olivia inched closer to the two figures before the larger of the two moved. A stocky man with sandy brown hair suddenly pushed off from the wall revealing a trembling, half-dressed woman.

Pulling out her weapon, Olivia shouted,

"Freeze!

The man ignored her warning. Before Olivia could react, the man pulled the woman away from the wall and sent her spiraling in Olivia's direction.

Olivia staggered backwards from the unexpected weight, grimacing as the woman's head connected with her jaw.

The gun fell out of her grasp and clattered on the ground while the two of them landed in an ungainly heap on the asphalt. By the time Olivia untangled herself and recovered her weapon, the man was long gone.

Forcing away her frustration, Olivia turned her attention back to the woman. She had fixed her clothes best she could and now sat quietly, her back resting against the wall.

"Hey. I'm Detective Benson. You're going to be okay now," Olivia spoke, kneeling near the woman and absentmindedly rubbing her jaw. It was a little tender but Olivia ignored that for now. The woman merely nodded, seemingly in shock.

Olivia stood up, pulling out her phone to call it in when something caught her eye. On the ground, near the dumpster lay a brown wallet. One she was certain wasn't there when she entered the alley.


	7. Chapter 7

**A/N: Thanks to everyone who reads/reviews/favorites/alerts. It really makes my day :)**

* * *

"James Milner, perhaps our top candidate for the dumbest criminal," Munch quipped, peering over the top of his glasses. The contents of the wallet had been spread out on the steel table in the lab. Aside from a few ticket stubs there was nothing of interest except for the prized piece of evidence, a driver's license.

"Liv just called, she's on her way back from the hospital with the vic's statement, "Fin announced, shutting his phone.

20 minutes later, Olivia walked in. She stepped over to her desk and shrugged out of her jacket before addressing the team.

"Same story as the others. She was out alone, he forced her into a secluded area, called her a bitch, told her she should've stayed away. Only difference is that he didn't get the chance to rape her."

"Talk about an instance of right place right time. Good job Liv," Munch commended, lightly patting her shoulder. A brief flicker of pain crossed her face. Olivia tried to school her features but it was too late.

"Hey, Baby Girl, you okay?"

"I'm fine Fin, just bruised my shoulder when I fell." Olivia hastily replied. "Really, I'm ok," She added when she saw he wasn't about to drop the issue. He hesitantly looked at her once more before turning back to his desk.

Olivia clenched her teeth, feeling another wave of pain course over her shoulder and immediately regretting her action as she felt her jaw begin to ache. She really should have let the EMT's check her out, but Sheila was her priority at the moment. Resigned to the fact that she wasn't going to get any work done like this, Olivia let the pen roll out of her hand and headed to her locker to retrieve the painkiller she always kept on hand.

* * *

Elliot watched Olivia walk out of the squad room alone. He saw this as his chance and rose to his feet before he could change his mind.

"Olivia. We need to talk," shutting the door behind him Elliot eased closer to Olivia. There was only one way this could go right and about a dozen ways it could go wrong, but it had to be done. Last night had been agony for him. Seeing Kathy, completely innocent of his inner turmoil, had only added to the crushing pressure weighing on his mind.

"We already did Elliot," Olivia firmly replied. She came out here to find relief for her pain, not to get a headache arguing with Elliot. Her mantra flowed through her head. _It was a mistake, but it happened and it's over._

Olivia's face pinched into a scowl. She didn't need him to come here and lecture her on why everything they did was wrong and how it could never happen again. Did he think she was that naïve?

Pills clenched in her fist, Olivia moved to brush past Elliot, who had somehow ventured further into her personal space. Her palm had just made contact with the doorknob when Elliot uttered the words that left her frozen in place.

"Olivia I love you."

The words hung suspended in the air that had now grown thick. Neither of them moved, both struck still by the sentence that echoed in their ears. Elliot stared dumbfounded into the space between them, arm partially extended as though he could reclaim the words and tuck them safely away.

This was not how he had envisioned their conversation to end. After a sleepless night, he had finally come to a conclusion. He had been rehearsing his speech all morning; just anticipating his chance to talk to her alone and get it over with. He'd tell her that he cared deeply for her, but what had occurred just couldn't happen again. They both had too much to lose.

Elliot's face slowly twisted into a self-depreciating smile. _So much for that plan_. He had botched the first part and the second half never reached his tongue. He hadn't meant to tell her that; he didn't mean to say _those_ words. But no matter how much he tried to rationalize, Elliot knew it was more than a slip of the tongue. He did love Olivia Benson. Correction. He was _in love_ with Olivia Benson.

However, judging by the fact that she had yet to move from her position at the door, he reasoned that this may have been worse than arguing with her.

* * *

Olivia stood motionless as she processed the words. Did she really just hear what she thought she did? He loved her. Elliot Stabler _loved_ her.

And he had the nerve to tell her now.

Olivia could have scoffed at the audacity of the whole situation. Had he said this to her three days ago, she probably would have melted with pure joy. She'd only been pining after him since God knows when. This was the moment that transpired in all her fantasies, both the innocent and the dirty. But it was bittersweet.

In such a short span of time everything had changed between them. The lingering glances, the invasion of personal space; it had all been harmless before. But this was no longer an innocent game they were playing. Three days ago Olivia knew what her reaction would have been. She would have acted with abandon and told him the same.

But that was three days ago.

Olivia unclenched her hand and the pills fell forgotten to the floor.

That was before she spent another sleepless night weighing the pros and cons in her head. That was before she came the conclusion that they could never be anything more than partners. That was before the reality of what they had done sunk in.

Adultery. She had committed adultery. Olivia wasn't a religious person by any means, but she always prided herself on having morals and a strong ethical code. Sleeping with a married man was in strong violation of that code. He had too much to lose and she wasn't willing to risk it all.

Slowly Olivia turned to face him with a stoic expression. "That's nice Elliot. Any more profound exclamations or can I get back to work?" she said matter of factly.

Elliot's eyes widened in surprise. _Did I hear her right?_ After all this time he had finally said the words he never dared to utter, the words that would surely alter their partnership forever; and all she had to say was _that's nice_.

Elliot felt the familiar heat of indignation welling up inside him. He took a step closer to Olivia who now rested against the door studying her nails as if he was wasting too much of her precious time.

"Did you hear what I said Olivia? I _love_ you," he stressed, the words rolling off his tongue much easier this time.

"I heard. I love you too Elliot," Olivia responded flatly as though this was a commonplace discussion among friends.

She again turned for the door before Elliot grabbed her shoulders and pressed her back against the door.

"Dammit Olivia, stop running away." Elliot growled, his face inches away from hers. "I love you ok, and you ignoring me isn't going to change that."

Olivia opened her mouth, but Elliot cut her off. "This isn't about what happened Friday. I've been in love with you for far longer than I should have and it's time that you knew that." Elliot let out a slow exhale, drained from the process of his confession. The words had tumbled out uncontrollably, but to his surprise he didn't regret them. Elliot's gaze connected with Olivia's, searching her eyes for any response and utterly unprepared for what happened next.

"Get off me you sonofabitch," Olivia growled. Pressing her hands against Elliot's shoulders, she shoved him sending him stumbling backwards.

"What the hell do you think you're doing Elliot? What did you expect to happen, that I'd say it back and we would live happily ever after. You said you've loved me longer than you should have, but that's just it Elliot. We aren't supposed to be in love!" Olivia exhaled, slightly out of breath, before she realized what she had just said. She admitted she was in love with _Elliot Stabler._

Olivia chanced a glance at Elliot and saw the stunned look on his face. _Fuck._

"Liv, I-"

"No," she cut him off, "it doesn't matter what we feel." Olivia backed away from Elliot's outstretched arm. As much as she wanted to, she couldn't give in to his comfort. Taking a deep breath, Olivia forced herself to say the words that she desperately wanted to deny.

"You're married El, you have a _family,"_ Olivia stressed, doing her best to keep her voice steady. "We can't do this, not to them." Unable to bear the strain of eye contact any longer, Olivia dropped her gaze to the floor. Hastily she swiped at the errant tear that threatened to trickle down her face and turned back to the doorfeeling as though she may break.

Elliot stood motionless behind her, absorbing everything that had just been spoken. He had a strong suspicion that she felt the same but he never thought she would admit it so easily. Elliot didn't want to accept it, but he knew she was right. He and Olivia could never be anything more than a fantasy. In a way Elliot was relieved that Olivia hadn't been receptive of his declaration. What would he do then; divorce Kathy, date Olivia, and expect his kids and everyone else to just accept it? No matter which way he looked at it, Elliot couldn't envision a scenario that would permit them the chance to be a true couple.

Elliot noticed Olivia heading for the door and reached out to stop her. Grabbing her left arm he spun her around to face him. "What now Elliot!" Olivia snapped.

"You should put some ice on that," He merely replied, gesturing to the darkening bruise on her jaw.

"I will, thanks El," Olivia softly replied, allowing her eyes to meet his. Elliot and Olivia exchanged a sad, rueful smile before Olivia turned and walked out of Elliot's grasp leaving him at the door.

* * *

"Olivia, are you okay? Where have you been?" Cragen inquired, coming down from his office.

"I'm fine Captain. I was just on the roof clearing my head." Olivia lied. "Where is everyone, did we get a new case?" She asked while looking around the vacant squad room.

"No, some officers caught up to our perp at Grand Central Station, tried to hop the turnstile. Fin and Munch are picking him up now."

"Great, I'll-"

"You'll sit down and take it easy," Cragen interrupted. "You've had a rough morning and you look exhausted. That's an order Detective," Cragen added when Olivia looked ready to complain.

Sighing, Olivia conceded and took a seat at her desk as the captain ventured back inside his office. She pulled out her favorite pen, a dollar store find that worked surprisingly well, and started on her never ending pile of paperwork. Halfway through her incident report form from that morning, a shadow blocked her light.

Wordlessly, Elliot placed a plastic bag filled with ice on her desk before he eased into his chair beside her in an unobtrusive manner that was unlike him. Usually when she was working on forms he would slide into his seat with enough force to purposely rattle her desk and temporarily distract her. Instead Elliot merely turned on his computer and the duo worked in silence, neither of them acknowledging the other.

Olivia gripped her pen tighter and continued writing. There was no right answer, regardless of how she could have responded to Elliot's confession things would inevitably be different between them. She was already sensing the first of many changes.


	8. Chapter 8

**A/N: Thank you all for reading!**

* * *

Nearly an hour and a half later, Munch and Fin walked back into the squad room just as Cragen reemerged.

"We got nothing Cap. We've been at it for over 40 minutes. He ain't talking."

"Did he ask for a lawyer?"

"Luckily no, he doesn't appear to be the brightest bulb in the box." Munch announced, setting down his hat, "But he is dead set on giving us the silent treatment."

"Alright, we'll try a different tactic. Elliot you and- Cragen paused as his eyes landed on Olivia who was still holding the makeshift ice pack to her face.

"I can handle it Captain. Besides," Olivia challenged, quickly dropping the ice on her desk. "I've got a few things I want to say to him."

* * *

James Milner, a tall but stocky man, sat hunched over in his chair. His restless fingers tapped against the table in irritation and his gaze kept flickering between the window and his watch. From the other side of the interrogation room Olivia Benson narrowed her eyes at the man who had irreversibly hurt 4 women and harbored absolutely no guilt. Her jaw started to throb again, making her remember that she had never actually taken the pills like she intended. This only served to fuel her anger and her scowl deepened.

Olivia adjusted her grip on the file she had picked up on her way out and reached for the doorknob.

"Olivia wait!" Elliot slowed to a stop in front of her, readjusting his tie. "Look, straight interrogation got Fin and Munch nowhere. If we go in there with the same technique, he'll just lawyer up."

Olivia took a moment to think it over and as they briefly made eye contact, she saw what Elliot was getting at.

"Fine," Olivia relented, backing away from the door.

* * *

Elliot clenched the knob and swung the door open. The door crashed into the wall and the noise echoed through the room. Milner jumped in his chair, causing his knee to collide with the underside of the table and eliciting a string of curses to escape his lips.

"What the hell did you do that for?" Milner demanded, anger rising in his voice to mask his shock.

"Sorry man, this place is falling apart. You know how those old doors can be." Elliot leaned back in the chair opposite of Milner, "Anyway, sorry for the wait."

"Yeah, what's been taking so long, I've been here forever and I didn't do nothing to those women." Milner demanded.

"Hey, I believe you man, but my partner has a hunch so…" Elliot broke off and shrugged his shoulders.

"Oh, your partners' one of the cops that already accused me?"

"No, you haven't met her," Elliot casually injected, carefully scrutinizing Milner to see if he would take the bait. Sure enough, he reacted.

" _Her?_ '" Milner's eyebrows rose in response to Elliot's comment. "You mean to tell me you got a broad working here?"

"I know man, not my decision," Elliot spat. "She's probably sitting at her desk filing her nails when she should be filing papers or at least making coffee for the hard-working men around here."

He felt a twinge of disgust for speaking about Olivia in that manner, but he forced it away. Pushing up his sleeves, Elliot leaned in closer to Milner who was hanging on every word. "It's ridiculous isn't it?"

"You bet it is!" Milner roared, his face contorting in righteous anger, "These women just come in here and prance around acting like they own everything, like they're worth anything."

"Exactly, life is tough enough for people like us. We don't need women coming in here and making everything harder." Elliot leaned back toward Milner and dropped his voice to a conspiratory whisper. "I overheard my boss mention something about hiring another female, from _Delaware."_

James Milner's eyes grew cold and the muscles in his jaw tensed at Elliot's words. "You see, that's the fucking problem! As if it ain't bad enough that guys like us have to deal with the whores around here, we gotta deal with more of those bitches moving here."

"Exactly!" Elliot nodded vigorously, "It's good to meet someone who gets it. I just wish there was something that could be done about them; you know what I mean?"

Outside the window, Olivia waited with trepidation hoping for Milner to take the bait. Fortunately he didn't disappoint.

"There is! I-" Milner broke off suddenly, as though an invisible hand had clapped over his mouth. Clearing his throat he tried again. "I _heard_ that someone's been teaching the new bitches in town a lesson they deserve; making sure they knew they're not welcome."

"Really?!" Elliot asked, sensing how close Milner was to accidentally giving himself away. "Cause you knew I heard that someone roughed up a woman in an alley this morning. That wasn't you, was it?" Elliot masked his features best he could, but Milner wasn't a complete fool.

"Hell no. I wasn't nowhere near any alley today. I was just out heading to work, but I musta forget my wallet. I was gonna be late to work if I missed the train, so I hopped the turnstile. I was gonna pay double for my ticket the next time. This is all just a misunderstanding Detective; you got the wrong guy." Milner finished his plea and settled back in his seat looking meek and sincere.

In a matter of seconds he had gone from being a raging misogynist to an innocent man. Elliot noted the transition and realized that he had just lost his chance to get Milner to confess. Playing good cop hadn't worked. Fortunately Olivia chose that moment to make her entry.

Opening the door with a bang, Olivia strode over to Milner. "So you left your wallet at home? That's interesting, but if that's the case then how did we acquire your driver's license?" Olivia pulled out the evidence bag containing Milner's ID and dropped it on the table.

"So which is it? Did you leave it at home or did you lose it?" Milner started to rise, but Olivia halted his movement.

"Sit down!" she barked, eyes alighting with amusement as Milner dropped back in his seat on command. Circling around behind him, Olivia watched his body tense and face begin to redden before leaning over his shoulder and whispering in Milner's ear, "Either way you're lying, and that makes things look a lot worse for you."

James Milner clenched his fists as his eyes blazed at Olivia.

"What's wrong? Cat got your tongue, or are you just scared?" Olivia taunted. That was the last straw, Milner jumped up from his seat and lunged for Olivia, "You're that bitch from the alley!"

Elliot, who up until now had been watching the interaction, jumped to intercept Milner. Before either of them could react, Milner caught the loose collar of Olivia's blouse and jerked her towards him. She stumbled forward, the file slipping from her hand and littering the floor with paper.

The chair hit the ground with a loud thud as Elliot grabbed the enraged man by the forearms. Grunting with exertion, Elliot managed to wrestle Milner down onto the metal table enabling Olivia to duck out of his grasp.

The vein in his forehead pulsated dangerously and an expression of pure loathing crossed his face, "Don't you dare fucking touch her." Elliot growled to Milner, his voice shaking with thinly contained rage.

Milner, whose cheek was pressed firmly against the table, said nothing.

By now, Olivia had gathered up the strewn papers and regained her composure as best she could. With one hand holding together her ripped blouse, she addressed Milner. "Done talking? That's ok, we have the information we need."

Milner continued to glare at her, but a slight look of worry started to creep onto his face.

"You swore you were nowhere near the alley; so how could you remember me?"

A ghastly pallor fell over Milner as it sunk in. He pushed up against the table and Elliot, still maintaining his grip, allowed him to rise. Milner looked Olivia straight in the eye and under his breath, but still loud enough for them to hear muttered, "You bitch." Then louder he announced,

"I want a lawyer."

* * *

Olivia and Elliot trailed out of the interrogation room shutting the door behind them. It wasn't a confession, but it was close enough. His lawyer would have their work cut out for them to get him off.

"Olivia, are you ok? Because if he hurt you I'll-"

"I'm fine, El." Olivia cut him off, "It's not the first time a perp has gotten handsy; and besides, I never liked this blouse much anyway," she lied. The now ruined blue blouse had been on of Olivia's favorites, but she saw no reason to tell Elliot that. He was already toeing the line with his actions toward Milner; the last thing she wanted was for him to get in trouble over something as trivial as a shirt.

* * *

"Good work in there you two," Cragen announced, surveying his detectives, "With his slip up and the DNA evidence we can compel from him, Casey will have no problem putting him away." The captain made it to the door of his office before turning back, "It's been a long day; the paperwork can wait. Everyone go home. Get some rest," he added with a pointed look at Olivia who had her hand resting on her shoulder, trying to conceal the tear.

"Will do Cap," Fin assured, hastily tossing his pen back on his desk next to the partially filled out paper. "You coming Munch?"

"Way ahead of you Fin," Munch's voice called from the hallway where a soft chime could be heard.

"I swear if you don't hold the elevator," Fin grumbled, hurrying out after his partner.

* * *

Back in the squad room, Elliot and Olivia stood near their desks, pointedly avoiding eye contact. Finally, Olivia broke the silence.

'I should probably get going Elliot. I'll see you tomorrow."

"Hang on Liv. Let me give you a ride." Elliot snatched the keys off his desk and grabbed his coat. Sensing Olivia about to interject, he continued, "You walked here and it's gotten colder out. Plus all you've got is a thin jacket."

Finding no feasible reason to object, Olivia accepted. The ride was silent, not unlike the last trip they had taken to her apartment.

A few minutes later the car came to a stop outside Olivia's apartment building. The streetlight filtered through the window, illuminating their faces as Olivia turned to face Elliot.

Thanks El, for everything," she whispered. Searching his eyes, Olivia implored, "So are we okay?"

"Always." Elliot immediately replied, his eyes gleaming with intensity. Then softer he added,

"Goodnight Liv."

"Goodnight El."


	9. Chapter 9

**A/N: Enjoy :)**

* * *

Olivia collapsed on her bed feeling utterly drained.

She downed the pills in her hand followed by the glass of water she kept on the nightstand. Her damp hair sprawled across the pillow as she pulled the comforter over her. Staring up at the ceiling, Olivia recounted her day.

She had stopped an attack, got injured for her efforts, found a key piece of evidence, discovered Elliot loved her, admitted the feeling was mutual, elicited a confession, and was assaulted-again. _All in a day's work,_ she sardonically thought.

Rolling over to turn off the lamp Olivia caught sight of the framed picture resting on her nightstand. Munch had taken the photo at last year's Christmas party. She and Elliot had their arms slung over each other's shoulders and were drunkenly beaming up at the camera. They both looked so innocent and carefree and that was why she loved it. It was them, without all of the tension and angst that usually came with.

Truthfully, Olivia missed those moments, back when they were dynamic partners and best friends. She wasn't exactly sure when it all had changed, when _they_ changed. Olivia tore her eyes away from the silver frame and switched off the light with a sigh. She closed her eyes and allowed herself to drift asleep with one final thought lingering in her mind. _I wish I could stop loving Elliot as easily as I fell for him._

* * *

Across the city, Elliot lay under the covers reflecting on everything that had transpired. He had finally done it. He had confessed the feelings he harbored for Olivia, she told him she loved him too, and nothing changed.

Admittedly, that outcome had never even crossed his mind. It wasn't as though he envisioned that scenario often, but he had to admit that on the few occasions he did entertain the thought, things ended differently. Either the feelings were mutual and they gave it a try, or he had completely misread Olivia and they never became anything more. Elliot never anticipated that both possibilities could occur in an odd blend.

One thing he knew for certain, he still loved her and he probably always would. Elliot couldn't identify any one thing in particular that made him love her and perhaps that was part of the allure. Elliot doubted he could ever stop loving Olivia Benson. However, for the sake of his family he had to try.

He had to manage to somehow hold the pieces of his life together without losing the reason it was falling apart. Grunting, Elliot rolled over and carried his problems into his dreams.

* * *

The sunlight washed the city with golden light and the air filled with the echoes of chirping birds eager to serenade the new day. In the center of the city inside the 16 precinct, the dedicated detectives slowly began trickling in to begin the day's work.

The usual activities were carried out among the Special Victims Unit including the daily bicker over the coffee. Olivia and Elliot sat opposite of each other and worked in a semi-comfortable silence, neither paying any mind to the rising debate between Munch and Fin over the coffeepot. Slowly things were beginning to get back to normal.

The remainder of the day was rather uneventful. Everyone milled around finishing up various things for their other cases. No matter how much work they got done, someone was always still behind on something. The monotony was briefly broken up when Elliot made the lunch run. A waste bin full of sandwich wrappers later, quiet descended over the squad room again. Moments later Cragen broke the longstanding silence.

"Liv, Elliot."

Setting down their pens, they both looked up towards Cragen who had just exited his office.

"We have a new case Captain?" Olivia questioned, already reaching for her jacket.

"Not exactly. I just got word from Casey" Cragen sighed and pinched the bridge of his nose.

"James Milner is out on bail."

"What! Someone let that monster back on the street. He raped 3-almost 4 women." Elliot shouted, jolting up from his desk and stalking towards Cragen. "He _assulted_ Olivia!" Elliot hissed, eyes narrowed and now a foot away from his boss.

"I am well aware of that _Detective_ ," Cragen coolly responded, meeting Elliot's glare until the irate detective took a step back. "Hence the reason I came to inform you." Cragen continued.

Now facing Olivia he added, "Olivia you've encountered this guy twice and neither time has ended well."

"Captain," Olivia cut in, sensing where his speech was going.

"No Olivia, this man is dangerous and he's got a reason to bear a grudge against you." Cragen rebutted. "Until this goes to trial I want to make sure you're safe" he added in a softer tone.

Olivia disregarded his concern. She wasn't afraid of Milner and she'd be damned if she was going to allow Cragen to treat her like she was.

"Captain, I don't need a protective detail." Olivia refuted, mimicking Elliot's glare. "Milner didn't even threaten me; there's no basis. It would just be a waste of the department's time and money. I am perfectly capable of looking after myself." Olivia finished, staring down Cragen and daring him to disagree.

Don Cragen observed the steely detective in front of him. He knew it was a longshot before he had said a word, but he had to try. His squad was really more like a family to him and he loved Olivia like a daughter. It would have been remiss of him to not even attempt to extend protection to her.

However, he couldn't disagree with her logic. Technically, Milner had never made any direct claims of an intent to harm her, and the NYPD simply didn't have the funds or manpower to put a detail on every officer they thought _might_ be in danger. Grudgingly Cragen agreed.

"Fine. But be careful Olivia. I know you're a capable detective; I'm not doubting that," Cragen added sincerely. "But until this is over, I'm taking every precaution. Elliot, make sure she gets home."


	10. Chapter 10

**A/N: Thanks for reading!**

* * *

Elliot stared straight ahead, keeping his hands at the 10 and 2 position for the first time in years. Beside him he could feel Olivia's glare burning into him. Elliot shifted in his seat and kept his attention on the road.

The swooshing sound of the windshield wipers only served to accentuate the audible silence in the car. Elliot toyed with the thought of turning on the radio, but he resisted. Doing that would mean acknowledging his discomfort, and he wasn't about to let Olivia see that.

He knew she was pissed at him. She had expected him to be on her side and back up her claim that she could look for herself and didn't need him as a bodyguard. Instead he had handed her her jacket.

* * *

Olivia sat fuming in the passenger seat with her arms tightly crossed over her chest. After realizing that her glares were proving ineffective, Olivia turned her head to the side window and watched the raindrops race down the window before merging into a single streak.

She hated when he was like this. Milner hadn't even threatened her. They had little reason to believe he'd come after her and even less to think she couldn't handle herself.

He was being overprotective and treating her like one of his daughters. He wouldn't have done this for Fin or Munch. She was sick of being treated like a fragile china doll every time there was a potential threat.

* * *

A few moments later, Elliot pulled up next to the curb in front of Olivia's apartment building. Olivia reached to eject her seatbelt, but Elliot placed his hand over hers.

"Olivia, I know you're mad at me, but I'm not doing this because I think you're incapable. It's my job to watch your back; you're my partner. And you're more than that." Olivia was caught off guard by the sincerity reflecting in Elliot's eyes.

"You're my best friend, Olivia. I'm doing this because I care about you."

Olivia felt her anger begin to ebb away. This wasn't Elliot being overprotective and chivalrous; this was him doing what he did best, looking out for someone else, _looking out for her_. She couldn't exactly be mad at him for caring. Olivia questioned the onset of her uncharacteristic ire; perhaps Milner had rattled her a bit.

"I'm sorry Elliot." Olivia apologized. "I know you care and I do appreciate the ride. I'm just tired I guess. I shouldn't have taken it out on you."

"Well it's been a hell of a week Liv. I'd be surprised if you weren't pissed off." Elliot remarked as he reached to turn the ignition off.

"You don't need to walk me up Elliot." Olivia cut in before Elliot could shut off the engine. An inscrutable look crossed Elliot's face at her comment, and for a moment both of them were reminded of what had transpired the last time he walked her all the way home.

Sensing the increasing discomfort that was beginning to permeate the car, Olivia jerkily gestured to the window where the raindrops were still making their steady descent.

"It's still raining Elliot; no sense in both of us getting wet." Olivia diffused.

"Fine," Elliot conceded. He didn't want to go out in the rain, but a part of him wanted to be absolutely sure Olivia made it inside safely. He raised his guard every time a perp expressed any interest in Olivia, and Milner was no exception. "But flash your lights as soon as you get in."

"I will Elliot," Olivia promised before unlatching both her seatbelt and the door and making a dash for her building. The cold rain pelted down on her while she raced inside. Olivia shook the stray drops off her purse and climbed up the stairs.

Once inside her apartment, Olivia unlaced her boots and left them atop the mat she kept by the door for rainy days such as this. She walked over to her living room window and pulled back the drapes, making sure Elliot could see, before she switched the lamp on and off.

* * *

Outside in the idling car, Elliot squinted up at Olivia's window. From his position he could see the lights turn on and off then on again. Shifting the car back into drive, Elliot felt himself relax. He could rest easier knowing that Olivia was safe at home, at least for tonight. Frankly, he wouldn't be fully at ease until Milner was behind bars. Although Olivia didn't seem worried, something about that man rubbed him the wrong way.

Adjusting his grip on the wheel, Elliot pushed away his nagging thoughts and pulled back onto the road. Logic won out over worry as Elliot reasoned through the situation. Olivia was a capable detective and Milner wasn't dumb enough to go after her; not when he knew they had to be keeping an eye on him.

* * *

From her window Olivia watched Elliot's taillights fade from view. She couldn't believe she had ever flitted with the thought of leaving the unit, but the morning after everything that happened between them her mind had been everywhere. She was afraid to deal with what they had done and her first instinct was to flee. The thought was quickly extinguished; she loved her job too much to abandon it, but the fact that she had even considered it scared her. Aside from her passion for her work, she knew the other reason she would never leave. No matter how tense things got between them, she simply couldn't walk away for Elliot for good. Olivia let the drapes fall shut and a wistful look flickered over her face. She almost let him walk her up if for no other reason than to prolong their goodbye.

But that was dangerous territory, and they both knew it. Olivia brushed a damp ringlet away from her face and a sigh escaped her lips. Being 'just friends' with Elliot had never seemed so hard.

* * *

Olivia stepped out of the bathroom, her fluffy blue towel loosely wrapped around her. Steam wafted from the agape doorway, the evidence of her hot shower filling the air. Olivia sifted through her pajama drawer looking for her favorite nightshirt when she heard a soft thud that came from her closet.

Olivia froze, reflexively tightening her grip on her towel. Her free hand instinctively flew to her hip only to grasp the empty air. Peering past her doorway Olivia glanced into the kitchen and silently cursed herself. There on the counter her gun, along with her cuffs and phone, lay innocently out of reach.

The thought of running to the kitchen raced through her mind but Olivia quickly ruled it out. She wasn't keen on turning her back and she wasn't sure if she could make it in time. Flight was out of the question and only one option remained. In her right hand Olivia picked up the decorative candlestick that rested on her vanity and inched slowly towards her closet.

Olivia could feel her heart pounding painfully against her chest as she clenched the brass object tighter. Right now she wished more than anything that she had allowed Elliot to walk her up. Knowing him, he would have insisted on searching her apartment and knowing her, she would have let him.

Olivia shook the thought from her mind. Elliot wasn't here. She could handle this by herself; she had to. Taking a deep breath and steeling her nerves Olivia grasped the handle and threw open the closet door with her arm raised and poised for attack.

Instead she found herself face to face with her own neatly arranged clothes. Olivia stared at the familiar scene and hesitantly lowered her makeshift weapon. There was nothing out of the ordinary, but she was sure she had heard something, hadn't she?

Olivia scanned the row of dress shirts and slacks when something caught her eye. Her cable knit sweater lay in a crumpled heap on the floor while above it an empty hanger gently swung.

Olivia stared at the sweater for a moment before bending down and snatching the fabric off of the floor. She balled up the sweater and flung it into the hamper, not even bothering to rehang it. As she repositioned the candlestick on her vanity, she caught sight of herself in the mirror.

Olivia frowned as she took in her flushed cheeks and dilated pupils. In mere seconds she had gone from an in control cop to a terrified woman, all because of a sweater. As much as Olivia hated to admit it, she was afraid. Something about Milner had set her on edge and she couldn't shake the feeling that they were missing something.

Olivia shakily ran her hand through her hair and took one final glance at her reflection. Resting both arms on the vanity, Olivia closed her eyes, took a deep breath, and slowly exhaled before reopening her eyes.

She straightened up, feeling her confidence resurface. _Milner isn't coming after you, he knows he wouldn't get away with it. It's too risky, you'll be fine._ Olivia repeated her newfound mantra to herself while she changed into her pajamas. She slid under the covers and set her alarm, but her hand hovered by the lamp.

Olivia tossed back the sheets and slipped out of her bedroom. Moments later she returned to her spot in bed, with her gun on the nightstand.


	11. Chapter 11

**A/N: Enjoy :)**

* * *

Elliot was already at his desk when Olivia arrived. She kept her head bent over her larger than usual coffee she had picked up on the way. Olivia had briefly considered wearing sunglasses to conceal the dark circles beneath her eyes, but there wasn't enough sunlight to make it seem inconspicuous.

She had barely gotten any rest last night. No matter how hard she tried, her thoughts and fears had kept her awake. Although, judging by his drained expression and the equally large cup of coffee sitting in front of him, Elliot hadn't had a good night's sleep either.

Not long after she started working, Cragen disturbed the silence.

"Heads up everyone, got an attempted rape in Chelsea."

At his words everyone looked up, with the same question on their lips. Before anyone could ask, Cragen, seeming to read their minds, elaborated,

"Different m.o. it's not our guy." The squad marginally relaxed at the news, relieved that although Milner was temporarily free, no one else had fallen victim to him.

"Olivia, Elliot. I want you two to-" Cragen broke off mid sentence as he surveyed the worn out detectives before him. Despite being sent home early, neither of them looked like they had slept a wink. Cragen changed direction.

"I want you to canvass the area. It was broad daylight, someone had to have heard or seen something. Munch, Fin, go to Bellevue and interview the victim.

At Cragen's command, the squad divided. Elliot and Olivia filed into the squad car and silence engulfed them the moment the doors slammed shut. Elliot hated how strained things had become between them. It was easy to say they were okay, but it was obvious that everything had changed. Almost overnight they had become like strangers, struggling to figure each other out all over again. Elliot cleared his throat, determined to break the silence.

"So, did you 'uh' sleep well?" It was a pathetic attempt at conversation and they both knew it. Still, Olivia latched onto as though he had asked the most interesting question.

"Oh, I 'uh' slept alright. I had, you know, dreams about…stuff." Olivia finished lamely and suppressed the urge to cringe. That was more than just a little uncomfortable. It was almost as awkward as a middle schooler's attempt at flirting. Talking to Elliot had never been this difficult before. Olivia tried again, racking her mind for anything before blurting out the first thing that came to her.

"I signed up for a class at the Y. It starts next week."

"Oh really, what kind of class," Elliot inquired, his voice tinged with curiosity.

"Acookingclass," Olivia mumbled, suddenly fascinated by something outside the window.

"What was that Liv?"

"I said a cooking class," Olivia repeated a bit louder. Elliot's eyes widened in surprise and a shit-eating grin spread across his face.

"The notorious Olivia Benson learning how to cook. Is the world ending?"

"Ha ha, very funny Elliot," Olivia dryly intoned, "I just thought I should take up a hobby."

With a grin still on his face, Elliot continued, "Finally ruin one skillet too many?"

Olivia thought back to her most recent attempt at preparing a meal before quietly murmuring. "It was the one with the red handle, I really liked that one."

* * *

A couple hours later, Olivia and Elliot had just about exhausted their door to door canvass of the area. Despite talking to several potential witnesses, their search had turned up nothing. They were both leery of returning to the precinct empty handed, but they had little choice. Elliot started to trudge back to the crown vic but Olivia stopped him.

"Elliot hold on, let's stop in there before we head back." She gestured at a small weather-beaten sign that said Gil's café. The café was the type of unassuming place that was easily overlooked by passersby. The building itself was dwarfed by two larger buildings towering on either side of it. However, in the window in brown lettering, another sign was posted. _World's best cup of coffee…taste and see for yourself._

"C'mon El, we could both use a pick-me-up." Years of consuming the mocha liquid as though it was essential as water caused them to build up a rather high tolerance. The coffee they drank earlier had lasted long enough to get them through the canvass, but now the buzz was fading fast.

" _Best cup of coffee_ , Olivia?" Elliot deadpanned, raising an eyebrow at his partner. "It's clearly a tourist trap."

"Who cares Elliot, coffee is coffee… And besides, it can't possibly be any worse that Munch's." Olivia added as an afterthought.

Elliot couldn't argue with that; the memories of the last time he had ingested Munch's concoction that he claimed to be coffee were still fresh in his mind.

* * *

Inside the shop, a man wearing an apron was currently engaged in a conversation with a patron who was leaning on the counter. The men had a familiar ease between them. The jangle of the little bell positioned above the entrance signaled Elliot and Olivia's entrance and disrupted the conversation. The men glanced up at the newly arrived customers, and the larger of the two slid off of the barstool.

"I'll let you get back to work Ben. I should probably be going anyway, those apartments aren't gonna rent themselves." He chortled, apparently pleased with his joke.

The leaner man, Ben, grinned in reply although he gave off the impression of having heard the phrase several times before.

"Yeah, I'll see you around. We'll talk more later."

The man's silver ring glinted as he repositioned his flat cap. He picked up his coffee and brushed past the detectives to the door, giving Olivia a once over on his way out.

Olivia placed her hand on Elliot's arm, sensing his protectiveness begin to flare up. It was just a glance, and the man was already halfway down the block. She didn't need Elliot chasing down every man who ever dared to look at her. With her hand still on his arm, Olivia steered Elliot towards the counter.

By this point, Ben had finished trying the strings of his apron and was waiting expectantly for their order. Moments later, Ben placed two steaming hot plain coffees in front of them. Olivia immediately busied herself with removing the lid and adding a nauseating amount of cream and sugar to hers.

Elliot couldn't understand why Olivia didn't just order a flavored latte and save herself the trouble of sweetening it. Every time he brought it up, she scowl and start lecturing him on how unhealthy those drinks were. Elliot concealed a smirk as he watched as Olivia add yet another packet of sugar to her cup. Instead he focused his attention on Ben, who would was currently wiping down the counter.

"Ben, it is? Were you working this morning?" Elliot inquired, casually sipping his coffee.

"None of your business. What are you, a cop or something?" Ben retorted, his pleasant customer service giving way to a surly demeanor.

Raising an eyebrow, Elliot pushed back his jacket just enough for the barista to see the badge that was mounted on his belt. "Actually yes, we both are."

Olivia, who by now had deduced that her coffee was sweetened to her liking, came over alongside Elliot. Pulling out her badge she announced herself. "Detective Olivia Benson. I believe my partner asked you a question?"

Ben dropped the rag and his eyes widened a little in surprise. "Uh, y-yeah. I was here since this morning. Why? Did something happen?"

"A woman was assaulted not far from here earlier today. We're looking for anyone who may have seen or heard something." Elliot took over.

"I didn't notice anything; I was working in the back. But Staci was here working the register. Maybe she knows something."

Olivia-who had been jotting down Ben's statement-looked up. "You have a last name for Staci?"

"Uh, Mattox I think. We just work together, we're not really close"

"Thank you for your help Ben." Olivia pulled a card out of her pocket and placed it on the counter. "If you happen to think of anything, give us a call.

The bell jangled again as Elliot pushed the door open for Olivia. The duo exited leaving Ben standing behind the counter with a stunned expression on his face. The sun was just beginning to set when the crown vic pulled back into the precinct parking lot.


	12. Chapter 12

**A/N: Thanks for reading and reviewing!**

* * *

A few hours later, the squad room was all but empty. Only Elliot and Olivia still sat at their desks, their faces illuminated by the sole lamp that straddled their desks.

"Hey Liv, it's getting pretty late. You ready to head out?"

"You go on ahead Elliot. I'm just going to finish up a couple things." Olivia replied without looking up from her files.

Elliot hesitated with one arm in his jacket as he peered down at his weary partner, "You sure Liv? You've been going at this all evening. This case will still be here in the morning"

"I know Elliot, but I'm fine. Really." Olivia urged. She reached out to reposition the light when a yawn escaped her throat. Olivia quickly reached for her third cup of coffee and brought it to her lips in a feeble attempt to conceal her sign of exhaustion. She intently focused her attention back on the papers before her, but she could feel Elliot's eyes boring into her.

"You're tired Olivia. I'm taking you home." Elliot stated while pulling Olivia's chair away from her desk. Olivia started, not expecting the sudden movement, and the coffee cup slipped from her hand. They both watched as the amber liquid splashed across Olivia's desk while the cup clattered to the floor and innocently rolled away.

Olivia stood up and surveyed the sticky mess that now coated her desk before shooting Elliot a piercing glare. Elliot for his part had the grace to look sheepish and did his best to sop up the coffee using the box of tissues he'd snagged from Munch's desk. Luckily her computers and papers had survived the spill. However, Olivia pinched the fabric and watched the beads of liquid roll across it; her jacket was not so fortunate.

Olivia grabbed some tissues and attempted to dry off her jacket to little avail. Looking up, Elliot noticed her dilemma.

"I'm sorry Liv; here let me." He reached out his hand for the sodden article but Olivia pulled back.

"It's fine Elliot, it was an accident. I'll clean it later." Olivia leaned over to shut off her computer before standing back to survey her desk. Elliot had gotten the coffee cleaned up and nothing was really damaged. Theoretically she could have continued working, but she took her coffee-laden jacket as a sign she ought to quit for the night. Despite all the caffeine she had put in her system, she was still on the verge of shutting down. A proper night's sleep would do her good.

"Ok you win Elliot, I'll go home. But I'm not letting you drive me." Olivia placed her hand on Elliot's shoulder before he could argue. "You live in Queens. I'm out of your way and we're both tired. It doesn't make sense for you to drive me to my apartment and then have to drive yourself all the way home at this hour."

"All the more reason for me to take you." Elliot interjected. "It'll by pitch dark by the time you get home, and in case you've forgotten; Milner is still out there."

"Elliot please. Cragen overreacted, just like you are. This is nothing like Plummer. He isn't stalking me." Olivia stepped closer to Elliot, ignoring his boundaries like he so often did to her. She articulated carefully, her voice rising with each word.

"In fact we haven't heard a word out of him since he made bail which isn't surprising considering the fact that he never actually threatened me!" Her last words came out as a hiss and Elliot instinctively took a step back. Seeing he had hit a dead end, he changed his tactic.

"Okay, maybe you're right and we did overreact. But," Elliot chose his words carefully, knowing one misstep would effectively shut him out. "It doesn't hurt to be careful."

Judging by the scowl that appeared on Olivia's face, Elliot knew he had erred.

"I am careful Elliot." Olivia crossed her arms, fuming at Elliot's implication. "I know this might be hard for you to believe, but I've managed to look after myself just fine for years before I met you."

"I know Liv, I know you can," Elliot backpedaled, "I just-"

"I know," she cut him off, her voice softening a touch. "But I'm okay. Besides, Milner favors young women that are new to the city. I'm not his type." Olivia hesitated for a second debating if she should continue, "And as you pointed out, it's getting late. Eli probably wants to hear a bedtime story." The last part came out almost as a whisper, but it echoed like a gong.

This was perhaps the hardest part. Transitioning from lovers back to partners was difficult, but being friends was even harder. Their relationship had always toed the line, and their new barriers were unfamiliar. Now they had to make a conscious decision of how to act. They couldn't do the things they used to; that's what had led to this whole mess in the first place. A friend would offer their friend a ride, but not at the expense of their family. Elliot knew it, even though he wasn't pleased by what it meant. He couldn't put Olivia first anymore.

Olivia turned to go before Elliot stopped her. There was still one thing he could do.

"Olivia wait." Shrugging out of his own jacket, he handed it to her. "It's cold outside."

"Elliot I'll be fine. I'm taking a cab," Olivia pointed out, but Elliot didn't let up. "You still have to catch the cab."

It was a weak argument and they both knew it. Still, Olivia saw the earnest insistence in his eyes. He was trying to apologize, and besides it was just a jacket. Olivia relented and accepted the dark coat from her partner. The sleeves engulfed her hands and the coat hung on her like a cloak. But she liked it, the material was surprisingly soft and it smelled of him. Olivia's eyes widened as she caught herself. Giving her head a brief shake, she tried to banish the emerging fantasies. _Stop it Olivia, it's just a jacket_.

"Hey Liv, you ok?" Elliot asked, eying her in confusion.

"Fine, just more tired than I thought. Goodnight Elliot," Olivia hurried out of the precinct, not daring to glance back at Elliot.

* * *

After thanking the cabbie, Olivia trudged up the stairs to her apartment. She gingerly held onto her leather jacket which was now emitting a strong aroma of coffee. Fumbling with the keys, Olivia swung the door open and flipped the switch to light up her darkened apartment. She kicked off her shoes and shrugged off Elliot's jacket, placing it on the hook while dropping her own jacket on the floor. At this point all she wanted to do was fall into bed.

Olivia was midway to her bedroom when she stopped. She knew it would be a lot easier to clean her jacket now than if she let it sit overnight. Sighing, Olivia turned around and grabbed the detergent from under the sink, hoping a delicate wash would eradicate the spill. Olivia unlocked the door to head down to the laundry room when a hand covered her mouth.


	13. Chapter 13

**A/N: Thanks for reading!**

* * *

Olivia let out a muffled scream and her heart thudded in her chest. The detergent fell to the floor as an arm snaked around her waist and yanked her away from the door. Twisting in the stranger's grasp, Olivia fought for leverage. She managed to free her arm and threw back her elbow hearing a satisfying crunch as it connected with her unknown assailant's face. The man let out a deep groan and his grip slackened. Olivia used that to her advantage and jerked free of his grasp. She had one hand on the doorknob when she was thrown to the ground with bruising force.

"HELP M-" The man knotted his hand in her hair and her head collided with the ground cutting off her scream. Olivia's vision blurred and before she could react, his knee was on her back pinning her down. She felt his hands roaming at her waist and she tried in vain to push him away. He ripped the gun from her belt and the scream died in her throat when she heard the safety disengage.

Olivia felt her body go numb. Shakily she got to her feet as the man pulled her up, still pointing the gun at her head. Hands held aloft, Olivia cautiously turned towards her attacker and froze at who she saw. It was the businessman from the coffee shop.

"Please, what do you want from me?" Olivia ran through the possibilities in her mind _. Maybe this is just a burglary gone wrong. Maybe it was just a coincidence that he saw me before._ She knew she was grasping at straws, but she had to try. Instead the man's face twisted into a sneer. "What the hell do you think I want?"

The man took another step closer and Olivia's blood ran cold at his next words. "Shut up and get in the bedroom Olivia."

 _Nonononono, this isn't happening_. Olivia's stomach lurched, and her feet felt like they were made of lead. She stayed frozen in place until the man leveled the gun at her chest. Obediently she stepped backwards, not taking her eyes off of the gun, _my gun._ Olivia felt a rush of shame wash over her. _Why didn't I draw my weapon when I had the chance?_

* * *

Elliot pulled into his driveway and glanced at the house through his window. Aside from the porch light, the house was dark. Elliot frowned and glanced at his watch. It wasn't that late, surely everyone wasn't in bed already. He walked up the steps feeling the hand rail wobble in his grasp. Elliot made a mental note to fix that the next chance he had while thrusting his free hand in his pocket to retrieve his keys. His fingers grazed nothing but fabric; there was nothing there. Elliot checked his other pocket and again came up empty.

 _Where the hell are my keys?_

Elliot backed down the steps, and using the flashlight on his car keys, he scanned the interior of his car. Maybe somehow they had fallen out. Aside from an old coffee cup and a stale bag of chips, the car was empty. Feeling his frustration begin to bubble up Elliot rested his head against the cool metal of his car and thought back. When he had got ready to leave he had his car keys in his hand and he put his house keys…in his jacket pocket.

Elliot let out a groan, Olivia had his keys. Elliot relocked his car and headed back to his front door. He was already dreading the lecture he'd get tomorrow from Olivia about the practicality of keeping all his keys together. It was something they could never agree on. Elliot stood by his method; If he kept all his keys together, he'd be completely screwed if he lost them; this way he would only be partially screwed.

Elliot pressed the doorbell, hoping the noise wouldn't wake the kids. He waited a few beats but there was no response. Elliot prepared to apologize as he curled his fingers into a fist and pounded on the door. Still, he heard nothing but silence. He knew the twins were on a class trip; however, Kathy and Eli should be home. Clamping down on his growing worry, Elliot pulled out his phone. He had a missed call and message from Kathy.

 _Elliot, my sister just called. She had to take a last minute trip out of town so I'm heading up there with Eli to watch her dog. You know how much Eli loves playing with Rosco. We'll be back tomorrow. Love you._

As he slid his phone back into his pocket, Elliot felt the worry that had been building up ebb away. It was quickly replaced with a flash of irritation. _Looks like I'm going to Olivia's apartment after all._ Elliot slammed his car door shut and pulled out of the driveway heading towards Manhattan.

* * *

Olivia could feel her pulse thundering in her ears. She sucked in a breath to steel her nerves. _You're a cop Olivia. Act like one._ Her thoughts echoed through her mind. She was trained to deal with people like this. All she had to do was distract him long enough to disarm him. As far as she could tell, her gun was the only weapon he had.

"Hey wait, I never caught your name."

The man frowned at her from the doorway, his large build blocking her exit. "What?" he barked, clearly confused by the question.

"Well, you know my name, so it's only fair that I know yours." Olivia stammered out, hating the way her voice rose an octave. Arms still elevated, Olivia stood with bated breath. She needed to engage him in conversation. Anything to make him let down his guard.

The man seemed to consider this for a moment. His features softened and although still holding the gun, he seemed to relax. "Jim, my name is Jim," he admitted, ducking his head.

Olivia felt a modicum of relief pass through her. Talking was good. Maybe she wouldn't have to try to fight him. Olivia studied the man more closely. He now seemed reluctant to meet her eyes and shuffled his feet. Perhaps she could get through to him and convince him to let her go.

Olivia scrambled to come up with another question to keep the conversation going when she felt two strong hands encircle her wrists. Her head snapped up in alarm. Jim was standing directly in front of her, a mocking grin covering his face.

Olivia's heart sank.

He had let her believe she actually had a chance, and she felt like a fool for falling for it. Realization dawned on her. Jim knew her name, he had told her his name, and he had let her see his face. He was toying with her. It didn't matter that she knew who he was; he had no intention of letting her leave alive.

Olivia drew her left knee up sharply into Jim's groin. The smirk fell off his face and he dropped to the floor gasping in pain. Abruptly she twisted her wrists and brought her heel back, hearing the man behind her crumple to the ground. Olivia ran out of her bedroom past Jim, who was still lying on the ground, not bothering to try to wrestle the gun away from him. She had to get out of her apartment. Surely they wouldn't risk shooting her in the open.

She made it to the living room when a hand closed around her ankle and she pitched forward. Olivia threw out her hands to break her fall, and felt a sharp burst of pain in her right wrist.

"HELP M-!"A heavy hand covered her mouth and again stifled her screams. Olivia clawed at the man's hand disregarding the slap he gave her. She knew she had nothing left to lose.

Seemingly unfazed by her petty attack, the man entangled his free hand in Olivia's hair and half carried-half drug her back to the bedroom. He dropped her on the floor and a swift kick to her ribs sent Olivia sprawling on her back. She crossed her arms over her midsection bracing for another assault but none came.

Tentatively Olivia opened her eyes and peered up at the faces above her. Her gaze was met by Jim's gloating face hovering over hers. "Welcome back Olivia," His smile collapsed into a thin line and his eyes darkened, "You're going to pay for that bitch."

Jim backed away from her and the glow from the hallway enabled her to see the room's other occupants. There were two more men. The barista from the coffee shop was one of them. Olivia tried to recall his name. _Ben?_ Olivia surveyed the other man. He was short and rather paunchy with round beady eyes. The men gave off an air of malice and Olivia felt a chill ripple through her.

"If you're going to kill me, just do it." Olivia spat, summoning up more courage than she felt.

"Oh we intend to, but there's no need to hurry." Jim smirked while dropping to his knees.


	14. Chapter 14

**A/N: Thanks for reading! Fair warning, this chapter gets a little dark.**

* * *

Olivia tensed as her wrists were clasped in an ironclad grip and pinned near her head. Jim straddled her waist, letting his weight drop down on her.

"You know Olivia, you can enjoy this too if you choose." Jim said with a gleaming grin. He released her wrist only to let his hand idly trace down Olivia's side and reach for her belt.

With her newly freed hand Olivia launched out and clawed at Jim's face. He reared back, but not before she managed to leave five faint red lines across his cheek.

"You bitch," Jim glared down at Olivia, fury clouding his features. His hand wrapped around her throat, "I should kill you right now," he spat.

Olivia's vision swam and black spots danced across her eyes from Jim's suffocating grip.

He squeezed harder. "Apologize," He growled in her ear, delighting in the way the blood rushed to her face. The pressure around Olivia's throat increased and her lips struggled to form the words.

"I'm sorry," she breathed, barely more than a whisper.

To her own ears, Olivia couldn't be sure that she had spoken aloud or if it was only a figment of her oxygen deprived brain, but apparently it was enough. The grip on her neck disappeared and Olivia turned on her side as a violent coughing fit ensued. Slowly she eased back down desperately inhaling gulps of air. Above her Jim smirked again.

"Now where were we?" His hands meandered back to her belt, this time undoing the buckle without resistance. Olivia lay still, her arms resting limply at her side. She could still feel the ache in her neck and she was certain she was beginning to bruise. Olivia tensed as she felt Jim reach for her zipper, but she forced herself to stay still. She wasn't looking forward to an encore performance, and she wasn't so sure that he would stop this time. Still, when Jim dipped his finger into the waistband of her panties, she felt her hands clench of their own accord.

But before she could even make a move, her arms were roughly jerked upward and pinned again by her head. A sharp gasp escaped her lips as Olivia stared upward and found herself gazing into the steel grey eyes of the room's other occupant, who up until this point had barely moved a muscle. The man said nothing, but instead leered down at Olivia; his angle giving him a direct view of her cleavage. She squirmed under his stare but Jim's weight held her down.

With a firm tug Olivia felt her pants slide past her hips and down her thighs. Olivia bit back the curses that threatened to explode from her mouth. She knew the response she would get if she dared cry out again. Bartering would get her nowhere; that much was clear. Olivia set her face, letting a mask fall over her features. They wouldn't see her break; she was determined not to give them that satisfaction.

She screwed her eyes shut determined not to witness her own violation, until a stinging slap was delivered to her face.

Olivia's eyes flew open from shock. Jim gripped her jaw hard enough to hurt and forced her to look at him.

"No hiding Olivia; I want you to watch," His voice took on an edge, "Understand?"

Mutely Olivia nodded best she could, hating herself for conceding so easily to his demands but fear had numbed her.

"Ben get the lights, I don't want her to miss a thing."

Ben stepped over her, letting his boot graze her ribs on his way to turn on the lamp.

Olivia sucked in a breath, feeling a flash of pain echo though her already bruised ribs. Ben leaned against the door and Olivia closed her eyes as she heard it click shut. The innocuous sound of a closing door seemed to cancel out her only chance of escape.

Jim's hands skimmed over her breasts still concealed by her shirt before returning to the waistband of her underwear.

He wasted no time roughly dragging the thin fabric down her skin. Goosebumps arose on Olivia's exposed skin as Jim positioned himself. Frantically Olivia surveyed her surroundings. Between Jim hovering over her, Ben resting against the door, and the unknown man pinning her wrists, she was trapped. Olivia gave one more futile effort to shift the weight off of her before gritting her teeth and doing her best to brace herself. _Don't show them any fear, just breathe, you_ _ **will**_ _survive this._

Jim smirked at Olivia before harshly gripping her hips and pushing into her. In that moment Olivia broke her promise to herself and a scream ripped from her throat as waves of agony crashed over her.

Without ceasing in his ministrations, Jim covered Olivia's mouth-stifling her cries. The pain was hard and fast; Jim wasted no time toying with her. Olivia's hands clenched into fists, her nails digging into her skin, but her eyes didn't stray from his face.

He wasn't even looking at her.

Aside from his obvious enjoyment, the whole affair seemed rather business oriented. He wasn't doing this because he wanted to; he was doing it to show her that he could. This was just another way of proving his dominance over her. For some reason that infuriated Olivia even more.

Olivia felt Jim's hand suddenly clench her hip harder as he stilled. Daring to look away, Olivia closed her eyes as she felt him release into her. Moments later, he abruptly climbed off her and redressed as though he hadn't just tormented the woman beneath him.

Olivia slowly opened her eyes feeling the beginnings of shame wash over her. Everything hurt but Olivia tried to take comfort in the fact that it was over. Escape was still on the forefront of her mind. Olivia eyed her gun, innocently resting on the floor a couple inches from her knee where Jim had laid it before he- Olivia blinked hard not letting her mind go there. She stared at the gun; he hadn't even bothered to pick it up. It was so close. All she had to do was grab it before any of them realized what was happening and this would all be over. Olivia counted down in her head, steeling herself for action before something came to her attention.

The man was still holding her wrists.

Olivia's mind whirred in confusion. If they thought she was still a threat, surely one of them would have grabbed her gun by now. Bullets were a much better way to force compliance than brute force. Olivia chanced a glance at the apparent leader. Jim had pushed up his sleeve to look at his watch.

"Alright, we've still got plenty of time," He paused and let his eyes meet Olivia's. The malicious glint in his eyes matched the wicked grin that transformed his face. "Who's next?"

Olivia's jaw dropped. Her mind stuttered to process this new information. _Nononono he can't, they can't, I won't let them._

"You can't do this," Olivia blurted out, fully aware of how desperate she sounded but she didn't care. "Jim, please don't do this," she pleaded feeling tears prick at her eyes. She could not go through this again. However, her pleas went unheard. Olivia watched as Ben pushed off from the door and headed to where she lay, discarding his jacket as he went.

* * *

Elliot maneuvered his car to the curb outside of Olivia's apartment building. He was a little surprised she hadn't called to tease him about his missing keys. Then again, she was exhausted; she probably crashed the moment she got in the door. Part of him felt bad for not calling her when he was on his way, but Elliot dismissed it. _Knowing Liv, she would have waited up. Either way she would have been pissed, at least this way she got a little more sleep._

Still feeling a little guilty, Elliot got of his car and prepared for the unpleasant act of waking up his partner. He paused momentarily and his eyes flickered to the glove compartment. Inside was his gun, where he'd gotten in the habit of storing it when he was off-duty.

For a second he debated grabbing it, being so accustomed to the feel of it on his hip when he went most anywhere, especially when he was with Liv. However, he stopped himself with a reminder that he was here just for his keys, not a case.

Elliot walked away, leaving the weapon securely holstered in his vehicle.


	15. Chapter 15

**A/N: Thanks for reading!**

* * *

Elliot caught the door behind an exiting neighbor and walked down the dimly lit hallway wishing Olivia would move somewhere with better lighting. He reached her door and gave it three quick raps, trying to be courteous of her neighbors who at this time were probably in bed. Elliot waited a bit before knocking twice more.

Nothing.

Elliot pressed his ear to the door trying his best to ascertain if she was even home, although he didn't know where else she would be. Faintly, he thought he heard movement. He hesitated. _Is she ignoring me? I thought we were done fighting._ Elliot rested his head against the cool wood. Upset or not, right now he just needed his keys. They could fight about whatever it was later.

"Liv. Olivia it's me! I know you're in there, open the door. I just need my keys." Again Elliot waited and again there was no response.

Elliot frowned, this wasn't like Olivia. Even if she was mad at him she wouldn't deliberately bar him from something as crucial as his keys. Tentatively Elliot rested his hand on the knob, and surprise followed by concern flittered across his face when it turned in his hand. Red flags went up in his mind. Olivia was the most cautions person he knew. As borderline paranoid as she was, there was no way she would leave her door unlocked, no matter how weary she was.

Cautiously, Elliot opened the door to the quiet apartment. "Olivia!" he called out once more but the dead air brought no response. He caught sight of his jacket hanging neatly on the hook so he knew she made it home. Elliot thought about the gun in his car and cursed himself for not bringing it. He momentarily considered going back for it but quickly abandoned that idea. If Olivia was in trouble, that was time she might not have.

He slipped his phone out of his pocket and quietly punched in 911, but he kept his finger over the send button. Slim as it was, there was still a chance he was overreacting. Elliot clung to that.

Easing toward the closed bedroom door, phone in hand, Elliot stilled himself for whatever he might find. Sucking in a breath Elliot sent up a quick prayer. _Please God, let her just be asleep._

Grasping the knob Elliot slowly opened the door and saw a sight that took his breath away.

* * *

 _ELLIOT!_ His name resounded in her head like the echo of a gong. The moment she heard the knocking on the door, a wave of relief washed over her. She knew before he spoke that it was Elliot. He had to know she was in trouble; why else would he be at her door this late? She didn't care how he knew, all that mattered was that he was here. But her heart sank at the words that followed. He didn't know. He was clueless to the situation she was in.

He was here for a set of keys.

Olivia strained her ears listening as Elliot's footsteps fell across the carpeted floor. Everything in her was urging her to call out, but the gun firmly positioned at the base of her skull forced her silence. Olivia watched the doorknob turn seemingly in slow motion, and she inadvertently held her breath.

For a moment a rush of humiliation rose up in Olivia. Of all the things she could have wished for, right now she just wanted a blanket. The thought of Elliot seeing her like this-so exposed-left a bitter aftertaste in her mouth.

* * *

Elliot walked in on a frozen scene and his eyes darted around taking in everything at once. Olivia. The men. The _gun._ Time slowed down. Elliot's finger tensed on the button before the man holding the gun spoke.

"Drop the phone." His voice was firm but calm. He had no qualms that Elliot wouldn't fail to obey, not while he was holding a gun to his partner's head.

Elliot operated on autopilot, his hand uncurled and the cellphone tumbled uselessly to the floor; the numbers still alight on the screen, one button away from being sent. One button away from help.

"Come in detective. Have a seat," Jim indicated to the straight backed chair in the corner of the room. "I'm afraid you've missed the first act but don't despair, the show is far from over." Jim's lips curled back in a sneer as he watched the detective's face exhibit a torrent of emotions.

Elliot's fists clenched and he grit he teeth so hard they felt as though they may shatter. He remained rooted to his spot in the doorway; his gaze still locked on the scene. He recognized the two men from the coffee shop but the third was unknown. Elliot's eyes roamed over Olivia's face desperate to meet her eyes for some kind of signal, any sign she was still present. _Please Liv, please just look at me._

As though she heard his plea, Olivia ceased her deliberate stare at the carpet and slowly shifted her eyes to meet Elliot's'. Warm brown eyes met cool blue ones and for a moment the surroundings faded.

A sharp cry from Olivia brought reality back into glaring focus. Jim had pressed the gun farther against Olivia's head.

"Now detective!" He demanded, his voice teeming with impatience.

Reluctantly, Elliot shuffled further into the bedroom gingerly perching on the edge of the chair. The man who had been holding Olivia's wrists now came over behind Elliot. Reaching into his pocket, he pulled out a switchblade which he placed against Elliot's neck.

"Don't hurt him!" Olivia pleaded, her fear for Elliot overriding her contrived silence. The look on his face when he entered her room was one she rarely saw on him-helplessness. He saw what they had done, and he knew he couldn't do anything about it. The need to see Elliot, to reassure him, to find comfort in him outweighed her shame and she sought his gaze.

"Relax Olivia, consider it a guarantee of sorts. Ben here is a gentle man, don't give him any trouble." Jim finished with a smirk. He stood up, but still kept the gun trained at her.

Olivia had prayed that the arrival of Elliot would disrupt their plans and make them stop. She expected him to be a wildcard, instead they factored him into the scenario If anything, his presence only intensified things.

Ben eased back over her, his fingers working at the remaining buttons on her blouse and this surprised Olivia. Out of the three she had pegged him for the shy one. He had been short with them at the coffee shop but here, from the start of this, he had been reserved. He did as he was told, but so far he hadn't even looked at her. She thought that she would maybe have a chance to talk him out of it. Elliot's arrival had spurred that hope. But it seemed that he performed better in front of an audience. His hands danced over her skin leaving feather light touches. He leaned back as he touched her, like an artist displaying his craft, giving Elliot a clear view to watch.

He wanted him to see. The thought made her stomach turn, and tears pricked at her eyes. A shiver ran through her as Ben caressed her. Seeing Elliot watch what was happening to her proved to be too painful. She hesitantly broke the connection between them and tilted her head away. Ben took her movement as an opportunity to plant warm kisses along her neck while his invading fingers slowly parted her folds. For Elliot's sake she forced herself to remain still. Olivia stared resolutely at the ceiling willing her body not to react while tears painted their way down her face.

Elliot looked coiled and ready to pounce. The sight of that bastard touching her so intimately filled him with a rage he didn't know he possessed. Tension flowed through his body, and his hands were clenched so hard they were beginning to ache. Like a string wound too tight, he was ready to snap. But he wouldn't. Not now, not while Olivia was still in danger. The glint of the gun kept him still.

He had proven before he wouldn't risk her life, and he wouldn't start now; not while there was still a chance that he could save her.


	16. Chapter 16

**A/N: Thanks for reading!**

* * *

Elliot forced his eyes away from Olivia and surveyed the other men in the room. He was confident he could take the man behind him. The knife was a threat but Elliot didn't doubt that he could overpower the man and force the blade away before he had a chance to do serious damage; the gun was the problem.

The man had a firm grip on it and had it aimed directly at Olivia. Elliot longed to pound the smug grin right off the cocky bastard's face. If the gun were pointed at him he'd take that chance. He'd always been willing to risk everything for her. But he couldn't jeopardize her life.

Elliot forced himself to sit still and bide his time. His eyes stayed glued to the man with the gun, waiting for the moment he let his guard down.

A soft cry from Olivia stole his attention and it felt like a stab to his heart. That bastard had his hands all over her. Elliot had been deliberately doing his best to ignore the scene unfolding before him. Hearing his partner being defiled without being able to do a damn thing was more than enough. Elliot averted his eyes, he would not watch her suffer.

"Pay attention detective," the man with the gun immediately commanded, "You're going to miss the best part."

 _Breathe, just breathe_ Olivia instructed herself, forcing herself to take deep breaths. Her hands were curled in loose fists at her side and she lay stiffly. Still, this didn't seem to deter Ben. He slid his hands under her back and nimbly undid the clasp. Slipping Olivia's bra out of his way, he palmed her exposed breasts. Ben's eyes never left her face although he never said a word. He scrutinized her; taking careful note of every response his actions provoked. The silence and the delicate way he treated her unsettled Olivia far more than Jim had.

Without any warning he pushed into her. Out of pain but mostly shock Olivia broke her vow of silence. Ben hesitated, giving her a moment to adjust before slowly began moving inside her. For her sake and Elliot's she had no intention of giving them any reaction, but this was steadily becoming more than she could endure. Olivia grit her teeth and to her horror a fine layer of sweat broke out over her.

"No, please stop!" Olivia cried out, desperation tinging her voice. She could feel Elliot's eyes boring holes in her and she willed him to look away. A part of her wished he never came at all. The small comfort Elliot's presence provided was overwhelmed by the pain of him being a helpless witness to her rape.

A familiar ball of heat began to build in her abdomen. Ben never ceased in his pace nor in his ministrations, tenderly exploring every inch of her trembling body while rocking against her. Olivia writhed beneath him and panic flooded her mind. He was treating her like a lover instead of his victim.

"Please stop, please don't do this, please!" She was openly pleading, her words coming through in short gasps. Olivia shut her eyes, she could not, she would not.

She did.

He came quietly moments after her. Olivia's back involuntarily arched and her eyes fluttered. She dug her nails into the carpet and a strained moan escaped her lips. Ben caressed her flushed skin one last time before silently withdrawing and turning away.

Elliot stared transfixed in horror, threats frozen in his throat. He knew he should have but he couldn't look away. His thoughts took him back to just days ago when he had seen that exact same reaction and suddenly he felt sick. He would take it all back, forfeit every single memory of that night, if he could just unsee this. The whole thing played out like a macabre silent movie. Elliot could see it in her eyes, the ecstasy followed by the rush of shame was palpable. His heart broke.

"You bastard! You bastards! I'll kill you. How dare you touch her. How fucking dare you!" Elliot roared, finding his voice; his face red and his veins throbbing.

"Easy now Detective, Stabler, is it? In case you haven't realized, you're not exactly in a position to be making threats." The man behind him pushed the blade further into his neck to accentuate Jim's point. Elliot felt the point of the knife pierce his skin and a small bead of blood trickled down his neck.

He ignored the pain and glanced down to where Olivia lay. She was flat on her back silent and unmoving. Her gaze was unfocused and Elliot willed her to meet his eyes to no avail. _Come on Liv, just look at me. Show me you're still with me._ Out of his peripheral Elliot saw a shift in movement. The gun was now pointed directly at him and the blade was removed from his neck. Jim saw the unasked question in Elliot's eyes and saw fit to answer.

"It wouldn't be fair if everyone didn't get a turn with your lovely partner. Wouldn't want to deny anyone justice would we?" he asked, the corners of his lips upturning into a mockery of a smile. Elliot seethed as the stout man lumbered to where Olivia lay. Elliot opened his mouth and was cut off by Jim forcing the barrel to his temple.

"Silence. One more word and I'll gag you," Jim threatened. "Now sit back and watch."

Olivia blinked slowly, her head still in a daze. Her thoughts swam from disbelief to humiliation. Olivia's mind worked slowly, hesitant to process what had occurred. Vaguely Olivia heard Elliot yelling, but his words all morphed together. Whatever he said apparently hadn't mattered. She was still on the floor and they were still above her. Fresh tears began to gather in her eyes and Olivia struggled to blink them away.

The heavyset man crouched down in front of her. He gripped the open sides of her blouse and roughly pulled her closer. The force left small friction burns on her thighs from the carpet and Olivia bit back a cry. His hands skimmed across her abdomen, but she put up no resistance. Olivia could feel her fight extinguishing and tendrils of self-loathing begin to creep in.

Years ago she had promised herself if she was ever in this situation she would fight to the death, yet here she was submitting. _But_ , she argued with herself, _it isn't just my life at stake_. Olivia eyed her gun-still in Jim's hands-now firmly pressed against Elliot's temple. She knew she couldn't risk it. She wouldn't sacrifice Elliot's life for her own.

Olivia glanced away, unable to meet her partner's eyes. Instead she flattened her palms against the carpet and attempted to let her mind disassociate. She felt the man pulling at her unclasped bra and flinched as she felt the straps slide down her arms. He tossed the fabric aside and Olivia shut her eyes. A harsh pain brought her back to focus.

Before she could cry out he clasped his thick hand over her mouth so hard her bruised jaw began to ache again. He grinned and her stomach recoiled at the sight of her blood staining his teeth. The man wasted no time repeating the process on her other breast leaving a matching indentation. Olivia's muffled screams echoed though the room but the man didn't relent. Instead he busied himself with undoing his leather belt.

Olivia looked away bracing herself for what was coming. As she lay waiting, a warped sense of comfort fell over her. _It's almost over._ Part of her wished they would just kill her now and get it over with. Suddenly, the man stood up and Olivia looked at him in confusion.


	17. Chapter 17

**A/N: Thanks for reading!**

* * *

"Get on your knees," He growled, dropping his pants in front of her. Olivia stared at his checkered boxers and felt bile rise in her throat. She forced herself not to vomit. Olivia didn't move, her muscles felt paralyzed and she could only stare at the man in horror.

That would be the ultimate humiliation. From the start she had been an unwilling pawn in their game, her body used and abused for their pleasure. But this was different. If she did this she would be taking an active role in her own degradation. She couldn't do it.

Her spirit renewed, Olivia defiantly stared down the man leering over her.

"Now bitch," the man ordered, inching closer to her.

Fear prickled across Olivia's skin, but she made no motion to comply. Impatiently, the man knotted his large hand in her hair and roughly yanked her to her knees. Olivia twisted wildly in his grasp succeeding in only ripping out a few strands of hair. She reeled back as far as she could from the man whose boxers were now at eye level. Repulsion stirred in the pit of her stomach and her pride prevailed.

"I won't do this. Just kill me," Her voice wavered as the last words slipped out and Olivia was stunned to realize that she meant them. The harsh reality of her situation had washed over her. Neither she nor Elliot had any way out. When their fun was over, she was going to be murdered; there was no reason to cooperate.

It was futile to comply and hope for a mercy that would never be extended. Death was all that awaited her. The revelation had a sobering effect and an eerie calm settled over Olivia. _This isn't the way I ever wanted to go; a sex crimes cop made victim of the very thing I fought against_. The cruel irony was not lost on her.

Jim interrupted her thoughts.

"Well, since it seems dear Olivia doesn't want to play anymore, the show's over…for you." Jim leveled the gun at Elliot's temple and placed his finger over the trigger.

"Wait!" The cry fell from Olivia's lips, a desperate raspy plea. She hadn't anticipated this outcome. Tilting her head as best she could in the man's grip, she locked eyes with Elliot. Fear reflected back at her. Olivia had witnessed Elliot at a myriad of stages. She had seen him angry, worried, frustrated, but she had never seen him afraid-not like this.

She may have been ready to die, but he wasn't. The unspoken plea was obvious in his eyes although she knew he would never admit it. Still, Olivia felt a pang of betrayal followed by shame. Elliot wouldn't give in. He would fight for every breath and hang on till the end.

Olivia hesitated. She couldn't extinguish the small part of her that still clung to the idea that it wasn't over, that there was still a chance the tables could turn and she and Elliot would make it out alive. _You can't let Elliot die like this._ Hope and guilt overwhelmed her shame, and tears pricked at her eyes. Olivia realized the consequences if she refused, but she would die with her pride intact. She knew if she did this she would lose a part of herself she could never reclaim, but she would give Elliot the only thing she had left to offer-time.

Olivia ducked her head, unable to meet his piercing stare any longer.

Slowly Olivia turned back to the man and watched as he eagerly lowered his boxers, letting them pool around his ankles. Her stomach churned at the sight of his erect member inches away from her face. Olivia could feel all eyes watching her and she tried to will herself to give in, but her body wouldn't cooperate.

"We're waiting Olivia." Jim's voice, hard as ice resounded, his impatience clear.

In a panic Olivia's mind barraged her. _It's just an act. You know it doesn't mean anything. This isn't about you._

The last thought struck a chord. Elliot was her partner. It was up to her to have his back and get him out of the situation he had unwittingly entered. She owed it to him to do what she could. Finding some of her old resolve, Olivia tried to make herself relax.

Elliot couldn't die like this and neither could she. Olivia was wrong, she wasn't ready to give up; she would fight until any chance of survival was extinguished. Even if fighting meant giving in to one more demand. In saving Elliot's life, she might also salvage hers.

Olivia shut her eyes but wayward tears still slid down her face. She parted her lips, trembling as she did.

* * *

Blood pounded in his ears blocking out his surroundings. Elliot felt what little control he had slipping away as the cool metal of the gun insistently pressed against his temple. The man's hand was steady; he wouldn't miss. Visions of Kathy and his kids flashed across his mind and that only fueled his fury; he wasn't ready to let go.

The finality in her voice had scared him. Olivia, the strongest person he knew was giving up. Elliot wanted to reach over and shake her, yell at her to keep holding on. He couldn't lose her like this. Olivia wasn't in a position to do anything. She couldn't overpower the man, and the major weapon in the room was currently focused on him. What Elliot needed was a distraction, and he knew then what he had to do.

Elliot met her eyes as he tried to mask the fear he felt, knowing Olivia would see right through him. He wanted her to. Guilt welled up in him, but he didn't waver. Elliot held Olivia's gaze, pleading with her and hating himself for doing so.

He watched her expression change-a delicate crease in her forehead- and knew she understood. Elliot saw the hurt floating in her brown eyes and he felt sick at what he was asking her to do. It was selfish and he knew it, but he didn't care; he would get her out of this alive or die trying.


	18. Chapter 18

**A/N: Thank you all for reading/reviewing. The tables finally turn, hope you enjoy!**

* * *

Olivia leaned closer to the man, and all the room's occupants turned to look at her. Disgust snaked through Elliot at their obvious fascination. He closed his eyes, unwilling to watch what he had all but begged her to do. Guilt ate away at him and Elliot nearly interrupted to tell her not to do it, regardless of the consequences, when he felt it. The man's grip had slipped. It was subtle; the man probably hadn't even noticed, he was too entranced by the scene unfolding before him. But Elliot did, and that was all the opportunity he needed.

Reaching up with reflexes he hadn't displayed since his early days in the academy, Elliot wrapped his hand around the barrel of the gun and forced it away from him. Jim, caught off-guard by this turn of events, staggered forward as his center of gravity was disturbed. Wasting no time Elliot stood up, knocking over the chair in his haste. He backed up, fitting his hands around the comfortable grip of the gun.

At last, he was in control. Elliot stared at the gun in grave fascination amazed that one little object could wield so much power. He now had the chance to do what he had wanted to do to the bastards the moment he set foot in the room.

Pointing the gun Elliot ordered, "Step away from her, NOW!" The command came out short and tense. Detecting the undercurrent of wrath in Elliot's voice, the man reluctantly obliged, carefully unwinding his hand from her hair. Olivia jerked back, turning away and wiping her mouth.

"Hands on your head- _all of you_ ," Elliot stressed, staring at Ben who had retired back against the wall and reassumed his reserved expression. Hesitantly the three men all aligned in front of Elliot, hands raised. Elliot's arm was steady and his voice didn't waver. His mind flashed with violent images of what he could do.

* * *

Never had Olivia been more relieved to hear Elliot's voice. The man relinquished his painful grip on her hair, and she pulled back as far as she could without toppling over. She vaguely heard Elliot issuing commands, but she had other objectives.

Struggling slightly, Olivia busied herself with redressing best she could; the pain in her ribs slowing her down. Her hands shook as she tried to button her shirt. It gaped in places where the buttons were missing, and she looked wistfully at her shredded bra and discarded panties that lie across the room. With one hand using her bed for support, Olivia pulled herself upright. Her other hand loosely held her shirt closed.

Olivia felt a wave of dizziness pass over her as she took in her surroundings. The last man to rape her still had his pants undone. The air in the room suddenly felt stifling and she was gripped by the urge to get outside.

Olivia took a cautious step forward and sucked in a breath as pain flared through her. The ache radiating from between her legs was unmistakable. Gingerly Olivia pushed past the pain and hobbled over to where Elliot stood. The short distance she had crossed left her out of breath.

Elliot reached out his arm to support her, but she held back. Olivia's legs felt weak but she resisted the urge to lean on Elliot. The men in the room had taken nearly everything from her, she'd be damned if she let them see her break.

* * *

From the corner of his eye, Elliot could see Olivia gathering herself. Everything in him screamed for him to rush to her side, but he held firm. He knew she needed to do this on her own, and he was not going to take his focus off of the men before him, lined up like prisoners awaiting their execution. A dark grin crept across his face.

The tables had turned and now he was in control, the gun resting comfortably in his grip. Seeing Olivia slowly limp over to him, he vowed to make them pay. His phone lay ignored on the carpet, the numbers still keyed in, but Elliot made no move to reach it. He had failed at protecting Olivia once; he was not about to let them walk out of his sight and into the methodical arms of the law. Not yet. Due process would put them away, but right now he needed to see them suffer.

As she neared, Elliot resisted the urge to put his arms around Olivia and pull her into his embrace. He could see she was unsteady on her feet and her face had a sickly pallor. Her eyes darted around nervously, and her arms were wrapped tightly around her midsection keeping her shirt in place. Invitingly, he held out his arm.

Olivia made a motion to step closer to him, but she stopped herself and instead met his gaze. Despite her condition, Elliot could see a spark of the Olivia he knew was still there and his heart swelled with a degree of relief.

Her expression clearly said _what now_ and he immediately matched her stare with a question of his own; a reprise of the silent communication they had taken years to cultivate. He watched her eyes briefly flicker to the upturned chair and a bitter revulsion swirled inside him.

He had done nothing. Elliot felt he had lost the right to insist they follow protocol and frankly, he didn't want to. He had sat obediently in that wooden chair and allowed his partner to be raped. The self-loathing that consumed Elliot easily overruled any instinct he had to handle the situation the way he had been trained. He was willing to do whatever Olivia wanted to the scum standing in front of him. She would call the shots.

Years of silent communication had enabled Olivia to read Elliot with just one look and him likewise. She saw at once that he understood her need to be independent, but she also noticed something else. A question.

What happened next was up to her. She was back in control. She had finally regained a grip on the control that had been so callously ripped from her. Olivia could see the familiar thinly veiled glimmer of rage shining in her partner's eyes. It was not unlike the one reflected in her own.

Olivia knew no matter what Elliot would have her back. He would do whatever she asked. The question now was what did she want?


	19. Chapter 19

**A/N: Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays!**

* * *

The answer popped into Olivia's head without hesitation. She wanted to make them hurt. They had taken nearly everything from her and now she had the chance for retribution. Objectively, as a detective Olivia knew what she should do; there was nothing stopping her from calling it in. She could recite the proper protocol in her sleep, but this wasn't a dream.

All impartiality had gone out the window the moment her attackers had crept out of the shadows. Olivia felt something she rarely experienced since Harris, true fear. It was a foreign feeling and it ate away at her defenses leaving her bare. Olivia felt phantom thin before the room as once again all eyes were on her, but with one difference.

The roles had reversed, and they were now at her mercy. Olivia felt an overwhelming desire to enact her own form of justice. The hurt of the past hours clouded her vision. She couldn't think past this moment; the consequences became irrelevant.

What Olivia craved more than vengeance was to forget. She was desperate to erase all that had happened and scrub her memory clean. What happened couldn't be undone, but she could affect what came next. The answer was right in front of her. No one would ever have to know all that had happened.

Drawing herself up to her full height, despite the soreness, Olivia locked eyes with Elliot.

"Shoot them," The sound of her own voice startled Olivia. Her words came out soft and shaky, in an octave not her own. Elliot's brow creased, but he didn't hesitate. Elliot set his jaw and levelled the gun straight at Jim; then chaos erupted.

The third man suddenly charged at Elliot, moving with a level of speed that seemed unlikely for a man his size. He crashed into Elliot full force sending both of them tumbling to the ground. Elliot held tight to the gun while the man scrabbled for it. Elliot tried to get a shot in, but the man was too close. The man's hand tightened around Elliot's wrist as he forced the gun away; clenching his fingers around the weapon, Elliot held on. On his back staring up at the man, Elliot bucked his hips in an attempt to throw him off but was met with a heavy blow delivered to his face. Elliot's head flew to the side and a sickening crack resounded. Blood spurted from Elliot's nose and dribbled down onto the carpet. Tilting his head Elliot managed to shout, "Olivia run!"

Pivoting the gun as best he could, Elliot fired off a round. The gunshot rang out and the resounding shatter of breaking glass immediately followed. Firing again, Elliot hit his target. Jim let out a low scream and sank to the floor clutching his right thigh. A deep, red, puddle seeped onto the front of his jeans.

The man atop Elliot violently wrenched his arm away, and Eliot felt his shoulder strain at the pressure. Elliot struggled to pull his arm back amidst the man's aggressive attempts to pry the gun from his hand. The weapon went off, and the slight recoil gave Elliot the momentum he needed to point the firearm directly at the man. He shot off one more round, the bullet grazing the man's shoulder instead of embedding in his chest. Still, the man jerked backwards and rolled off of Elliot howling in pain.

Pushing up on his elbows, Elliot scrambled to his feet and scanned the room. Olivia was still there, and so was Ben. They were standing at the threshold, Olivia sagging in Ben's arms. In his hand Ben held a jagged shard that had come from the broken lamp the bullet had hit. He had it firmly pressed to her throat. A thin line of red had started to appear as blood bubbled to the surface.

Instinctively, Elliot raised the gun at Ben, "Let her go right now you sonofabitch or I swear I'll shoot you.

Ben said nothing and merely tightened his grip on Olivia's torso. His face was pale and blank, and the hand holding the shard wavered. Ben sized up Elliot. A faint sheen of perspiration had broken out on his brow. He knew he was out of options. Elliot took stock of this and weighed his options. Ben clearly wasn't the leader of this operation. Now that his partners in crime were out of commission he looked out of place. Gone was the overconfident man and in his place stood a scared little boy. For a moment Elliot considered talking him down when something caught his attention.

Elliot tilted his head. It was faint but real.

Sirens.

And they were getting closer.

Ben's posture shifted to a vaguely more relaxed state. He had heard it too. In minutes the place would be swarming with officers ready to handle the scene.

Elliot's temper flared. _The little shit is relieved; he thinks he's safe._ Vengeance renewed, Elliot's eyes narrowed. He'd be damned if he was going to let the man before him leave unscathed. At that moment Elliot couldn't care less about how he would explain the scene. He had failed in protecting Olivia, all that mattered now was that the men who hurt her never had the chance to do it again.

Before Ben even saw it coming, Elliot had the gun pointed directly at his head. Without thinking, he pulled the trigger.

And nothing happened.


	20. Chapter 20

**A/N: Happy New Year, and as always thanks for reading!**

* * *

Only a dull click echoed through the room. The gun had jammed. Elliot froze. His arm still outstretched and an expression of shock on his face.

Ben, who had closed his eyes, slowly reopened them. He stared at Elliot until the pieces slowly fell into place. An eerie grin broke out over Ben's face and he seemed to inflate, burgeoning with new found confidence. Standing up straighter he clutched Olivia, who was barely responsive, and calmly uttered,

"This is what's going to happen now. You're going to place the gun on the floor and stand with your hands on your head."

Elliot didn't move. He knew the gun was useless but he couldn't bring himself to relinquish the only bit of protection he had left. Ben applied more pressure to the shard against Olivia's neck until a tiny droplet of blood appeared, staining the blade.

Elliot's compliance was immediate. Squatting down, Elliot carefully set the faulty weapon on the ground, keeping it close by his shoe just in case. As he stood, interlacing his fingers, Ben met him with further demands.

"Now what's going to happen is my colleagues and I are going to walk out of here. You will not follow nor will you attempt to stop us. If you do I'll slit her throat. Understand?"

Hesitantly, Elliot nodded, his eyes firmly fixed on Olivia. Her eyes remained closed. Jerking his head, Ben signaled to the men on the floor. Slowly they staggered to their feet, clutching at their gaping wounds. The stout man recovered first, using his uninjured arm to pull Jim to his feet. With most of his weight resting on the other man, Jim limped towards the door.

"You'll pay for this," he hissed as he passed Elliot. Sweat was glistening on his brow and his teeth were clenched in pain. Elliot said nothing. As much as he wanted to finish him off, he couldn't risk it when Olivia was still in danger. The men edged past the doorway leaving Ben standing with Olivia as his shield. Elliot and Ben stared at each other in a strained silence until the click of a door could be heard.

Muscles tensed and nostrils flaring, Elliot spoke first. "There. Your scum buddies made it out. Now let her go or I swear I'll-"

"You'll what Detective? Stand over there and shout more empty threats. You and I both know that you failed. You couldn't protect your partner before and you still can't save her now."

The words cut deep and Elliot had no response.

"Still," Ben continued, superior smirk in place, "a deals a deal." Clutching the shard, he sliced diagonally across Olivia's neck before shoving her to the floor and fleeing out the door.

Elliot watched in slow motion as she fell. Like a broken marionette with its strings cut, Olivia tumbled to the ground and landed with a dull thud. Elliot raced over to her, nearly tripping over himself as he went. Sliding to his knees, he moved to turn her over. His eyes immediately went to her throat and his fingers traced the cut.

It was shallow, the skin barely broken. Elliot began to let out a sigh of relief, but as he grazed her shirt his hand touched something wet. His fingers came away tinged with red and his heartbeat quickened. Moving her much more gently, Elliot gazed down at Olivia. Her face was still, the color drained from it. Carefully, he raised the edge of her top. Blood oozed from her abdomen, blending with the dark red of her blouse.

She was hit.

Elliot gaped at the sight of the blood, unwilling to accept what he knew to be true.

Guilt consumed him as he flashed back to when it must have happened. The stray bullets from the struggle with the man, one had broken the lamp and the other…

Urgently, Elliot slid his thumb across her cheek.

"Come on Liv, wake up. Please, just open your eyes," Elliot pleaded, giving her a little shake. He waited, his heart sinking as the seconds passed. Then he felt her stir.

"Olivia! Olivia, look at me!" Elliot ordered, desperation flooding his tone. Olivia's shifted in his grip and emitted a low groan. Slowly her eyes opened, and she peered up at him.

"Elliot?" She questioned, moving to sit up until a stinging pain pierced her side. "Augh," she gasped, sliding back down.

"Easy Liv, I've got you," Elliot gently cradled her in his arms and lowered her back to the floor.

"Don't move, hold on," he took off his jacket and balled it up, pressing it firmly to the wound in her side. "Stay with me" he murmured.

Elliot glanced towards the doorway. The sirens were still blaring outside, now closer than before. _What the hell is taking them so long_? The moment he thought it a dreadful feeling crept through him.

 _What if they aren't here for us?_ It occurred to Elliot that he had never dialed 911. When the sirens started, everyone in the room had just assumed it was for them. Panic set in and Elliot searched the floor for his abandoned phone doing his best not to jostle Olivia. He would never forgive himself if she died after all of this because he hadn't been thinking clearly.

Olivia closed her eyes from the pain. The pressure Elliot was placing on her side made her world blur. A shiver ran through her and Olivia peered up at Elliot. His eyes were glassy with unshed tears and his movements were frantic. She wanted to reach up to comfort him, but her limbs felt frozen. The last few moments rewound through her mind.

" _Olivia run!" She heard Elliot urge her to move. Without needing to be told twice, Olivia started for the door. Slow though she moved, amidst the chaos, no one paid her any mind. She neared the threshold when a sudden pain flared though her, knocking her to the ground. Olivia fell to the carpet stunned. She cautiously placed her hand to her side and watched it come away red. She tried to push herself to her knees but the stinging ache stopped her in her tracks. Glancing over her shoulder, Olivia locked eyes with Ben. With a snarl on his face, he began advancing toward her. Frantically, Olivia scanned the floor for anything she could use in her defense._

 _In her peripheral she caught a glimpse of something black. Elliot's cellphone. Olivia stretched her arm toward it as surreptitiously as she could. Enclosing the device in her palm, Olivia pressed a button. 911. The numbers still glowed on the screen. Shaking slightly, Olivia pressed send. She didn't have a chance to see the call go through before she was roughly hoisted to her feet. Ben's arms wound tightly around her, pressing hard on her wound. Olivia's vision blurred with tears. She could vaguely see Elliot in front of her before her world went black._


	21. Chapter 21

**A/N: Thank you all for reading and letting me know what you think.**

* * *

The loud wailing of sirens came to a halt outside the building and gave Elliot pause in his search for the phone. Instead he ran his free hand through Olivia's hair, whispering reassurances. She tried to keep her gaze on him, but her eyes kept closing. Elliot's ears perked up at the approaching sound of footsteps pounding up the stairs.

"Hang on Liv, just a little longer okay?" Sensing her slipping away, Elliot pleaded more urgently, "Olivia, please don't leave me."

"O-k." Her words came out faintly and trailed off.

"NYPD!" Elliot's head jerked up at the sound and he let out a breath he didn't realize he had been holding. Help had arrived, he didn't know how and he didn't care, all that mattered was that Olivia had a chance.

He looked down at her and at the moment he became aware of how exposed she was. A protective instinct rose up in him, the urge to shield her from the stares of the coming strangers. He scanned the room looking for something, anything, to cover her bare legs with, Elliot's eyes landed on a faded quilt draped across her bed and debated leaving her side to retrieve it.

However, seconds later, the front door came flying open, swinging on its hinges, and officers flooded the apartment with weapons drawn prompting Elliot to stay where he was. Elliot overheard one of the officers speaking into his radio, "Just hold them for questioning."

A wave of relief so powerful washed over him that had he not been on the floor, he surely would have wound up there. They hadn't got away. His fellow officers had caught them, even though they didn't yet know what the men had done.

"In here!" Elliot yelled, urgency tinging his tone. "She's been hit; she needs a bus."

Three of the officers edged into the room. "Ambulance is on its way sir. Now why don't you back up and let us handle things from here." Elliot lifted his eyes from Olivia long enough to realize that the officer's weapons were aimed at him and suspicion was clearly written on their faces.

If it weren't for the severity of the situation he might have laughed at the audacity of him being a suspect. _I_ _would never hurt Olivia_. His gaze fell back to his jacket which was beginning to turn burgundy. He rephrased his thought, _I would never_ _intentionally hurt her._ Without budging from his spot, Elliot met the officer's glares.

"I am Detective Elliot Stabler, badge number 6313. This is my partner, Olivia Benson, badge number 4015. We are with the Manhattan Special Victims Unit. I am not leaving her side."

The officers hesitated and exchanged glances with each other. Their grip on their guns only slightly faltered.

Elliot could sense their apprehension, but he didn't have the energy nor the compassion to further explain. "Go ahead and run our badges if you don't believe me. But if you move me and she dies, I guarantee I'll make sure any of you never do anything more than traffic stops.

The finality of Elliot's voice settled the matter. Cautiously the officers lowered their weapons.

"What exactly happened here, Detective?" The officer, who couldn't have been much more than twenty one, inquired.

What exactly had happened? The question washed over Elliot's mind. So many things had occurred, but only one answer floated to the surface. Olivia got hurt because he couldn't protect her. He tried to find the words to answer the question, but all could say was, "They hurt her."

It sounded so simple, like the type of answer a child would give. But it was the only description Elliot could muster. Elliot caught sight of the tip of a stretcher being maneuvered through the door and he wanted to shout at them to move faster, but another question from the officers diverted him.

"Who?"

"The men you caught. The ones being held for questioning. They're the ones who did this." Elliot clarified, his eyes still on Olivia.

Again the cops exchanged confused glances before the third officer haltingly spoke up.

"We don't have any men in our custody."

Elliot's head snapped up in surprise, certain that he had heard her wrong. What did she mean they didn't have them? The female officer was looking at him with confusion as were the other two.

"What the hell do you mean, you don't have them." The main doors were the quickest way out of Olivia's complex and closest to the elevator, the men had to have used them. "They had to have gone right past you. If you don't have them, then who the hell do you have?"

"A couple of ladies. They stopped us on our way up saying they had seen something suspicious. A few men had brushed past them acting a little odd."

Fireworks were exploding inside Elliot's skull and it took every bit of his self-control to keep his temper in check.

"That was them! You could have caught the bastards and you let them get away. How the hell did you lose them?!" he roared, losing the battle with his patience.

The arrival of the EMT's interrupted Elliot's ire and the young officers shrank back in relief at the intrusion.

"What happened," The dark haired EMT asked, bending down to observe Olivia, who at this point was unconscious.

"She's been shot," Elliot brought up the most pressing issue, intending it to be the end of the questions, but the EMT's curious glance at Olivia's state of undress prompted him to say more. "She was also assaulted."

"Raped?"

Elliot hesitated, the word was on the tip of his tongue, but he couldn't seem to spit it out. He didn't want to. Saying it out loud would make it all real. Despite what he had seen, a small part of him fervently clung to the delusion that he was wrong. That what he saw didn't actually happen.

Elliot couldn't say it, to verbalize what he had seen would be too much. He feared he couldn't handle it. Elliot would rather be a liar than be forced to face the truth; still the words came out of their own accord.

"…Yes, she was raped." The words felt wrong on his tongue. Elliot grimaced, the sentence had such a finality to it; and he was desperate to take it back.


	22. Chapter 22

**A/N: Thanks to everyone who reads/favorites/follows/reviews!**

* * *

Around him the EMTs and officers carried on in their actions, unfazed by the enormity of the statement he had just revealed. They were going about their work as usual. This was normal for them, as it was once for him. Elliot briefly marveled at the ease with which they handled the news. It seemed a lifetime ago that he had once been just like them. Sympathetic but not fully understanding.

Never again. What he had witnessed had nearly destroyed him; he couldn't imagine how Olivia was feeling.

Meanwhile the EMTs had moved closer, finished with their initial survey.

"Sir we need to move her now."

The statement pulled Elliot back to the moment. He eased away from Olivia, leaving the EMTs space enough to do their job but not so far that he couldn't still reach her. One of the EMTs lifted up Elliot's sodden jacket, still dripping with her blood. The sight made him weak. They loaded Olivia onto the stretcher with Elliot right on their heels.

* * *

The ambulance ride was mercifully uneventful. One of the EMTs tried to tend to Elliot, but he waved them off. Nothing felt broken, just badly bruised. He only accepted a wet cloth to cleanse the dried blood from his face.

Olivia drifted in and out of consciousness, never awake long enough to grasp what was going on. Elliot held her hand, delicately as though she would break. Tuning out all noise, Elliot focused on the soft sound of Olivia's breathing. The steady noise lulled him into a sense of assurance. Part of him almost wished the ride would last forever because right now, she was still with him. She was alive and her breathing was all that mattered. Elliot knew how quickly things could change, how many times the hospital became a morgue. Before his fears could get the best of him, the ambulance jerked to a stop. The doors were thrown open, and the world sped back into motion.

"Female, 40's, GSW to the lower abdomen." Voices began to clamor as Elliot was ushered out of the ambulance. A team of medical staff had seemingly emerged from nowhere. Elliot tried to keep up, but as the stretcher was wheeled beyond the double doors a nurse deterred him.

"I'm sorry sir, this is as far as you can go."

"But- she's my partner." The words were simple enough, but to Elliot it was all the explanation needed. She was his partner and he needed to be there for her, no matter what.

Still, the nurse did not budge. "I'm sorry sir, but only medical personnel is allowed in the OR." Her tone softened, "There's a bathroom and a waiting room down the hall. You'll be informed the moment we have news."

"Thank you," Elliot murmured, letting the argument drop. Rationally he knew he couldn't follow, but the need to try was inescapable. Elliot turned and aimlessly wandered in the direction the nurse had gestured to. He glanced down at himself suddenly cognizant of why the nurse had directed him to the bathroom. His hands were stained red.

He backed into the bathroom, relieved to find it empty and started for the sink. The water ran red beneath his hands, and no matter how hard he scrubbed he could still feel it. The metallic odor assaulted his nose and he shut his eyes to block out the memory. Elliot gripped the sides of the sink, _Keep it together, you can't fall apart right now._ Drawing in a deep breath, Elliot chanced a wary glance at his reflection. A weary, wild-eyed man stared back at him. Looking away, Elliot dried his hands and hastily exited the bathroom.

He found his way to the waiting room. The walls of the empty room were a pale green which Elliot surmised was intended to be soothing, although the color only made him nauseous. He sunk into a paisley printed chair and felt the weight of everything collapse onto his shoulders.

Resting his elbows on his knees, Elliot placed his face into his palms and let out a deep sigh. _This can't be happening_. Breathing deeply for a moment, Elliot tried to pull himself together. There were so many things demanding his attention he didn't know where to begin.

 _Cragen_. Elliot's head shot up, he needed to call the captain and let him know what happened. Elliot reached into his pocket for his phone before remembering that it was still somewhere in Olivia's apartment. His mind recoiled from that image and Elliot raced down the hallway in search of a landline. Rounding the corner, he spotted a row of phones. Elliot picked up the receiver, but his fingers hesitated on the keypad.

Calling Cragen would mean questions, ones that he wasn't ready to answer. He and the rest of the squad would be here in record time and it would be a flurry of nonstop activity. He could see it now, his statement, the sketch artist, and the looks the squad would give him.

Elliot placed the phone back on the hook. He wasn't ready to deal with any of that. Not yet. Right now Olivia was his only concern. He had to be certain she was okay before he could even contemplate letting the squad know. _I_ _just need to see her_. Elliot made his way back to the empty waiting room. He reclaimed his seat in the uncomfortable chair and stared at the door- waiting.

* * *

The steady ticking of the wall clock was enough to keep Elliot grounded in the present and also teetering on the edge. An hour had passed with no word. He had taken to pacing the room. 22 steps in length and 12 in width. As the chime signaled the passing of another hour, Elliot prepared to again badger the nurse. He headed for the door, but before he reached the hall he was met by a doctor.


	23. Chapter 23

**A/N: I apologize if any of the medical descriptions in this chapter are not at all plausible.**

* * *

The doctor-an older woman with greying hair and wire-rimmed glasses-looked unsurprised to see him.

"Hello, I'm Dr. Klaus. Elliot Stabler I presume?"

"Yes. How is she?" Elliot did away with niceties and jumped straight to the point, desperation gripping his voice.

The doctor, unfazed by his brusqueness, flipped through her charts. "I know you're her emergency contact but before I inform you, is there any family that needs to be contacted?"

Images of a far away brother briefly crossed Elliot's mind, but he brushed the thought away. "No, there's no one."

"Alright then. It's relatively good news." The doctor began.

Elliot let out a breath he didn't realize he was holding.

"Ms. Benson has several superficial abrasions as well as bruised ribs, a sprained wrist, and a minor concussion. Now she's not out of the woods yet, but we expect a full recovery. The bullet penetrated Ms. Benson's abdomen and lodged upward in her rib. We were able to remove the bullet; however, it perforated her spleen. The damage was too great to repair, so we had to perform an emergency splenectomy."

"You took out her spleen!?" Alarm tinged Elliot's voice as his mind scrambled to make sense of the doctor's words. _What kind of operations does this doctor do that removing an organ is considered relatively good news?_ Elliot wondered.

"Yes, but it's not as bad as it may seem. Dr. Klaus reassured, "A person can function quite normally without a spleen. Most people go on to lead long, healthy lives provided certain precautions are taken."

Elliot felt a miniscule bit of relief, but not enough to calm him. "Can I see her?" As reassuring as the doctor's words were, Elliot wouldn't be at ease until he saw with her with his own eyes.

"Of course, right this way."

729.

The number was boldly emblazoned on the plain white door. Tentatively Elliot peered through the small rectangular window, but all he could glimpse were the plain white sheets of the hospital bed. Turning towards him the doctor announced, "She's stable for now but we need to wait a little longer before we can do any further tests. You can stay with Ms. Benson, but the anesthesia hasn't worn off completely. Just make sure she's mindful of her stitches when she wakes up."

"I will, I'll-," something the doctor said caught Elliot's attention. "What other tests does she need?" He demanded. A small tendril of worry began creeping inside him as he considered the possibilities.

The doctor glanced down at her charts. "We have yet to collect a rape kit."

Dread settled like a stone on his gut, his fear was confirmed. Elliot had hoped they would have done this already. It was one thing to go in there and be by her side, it was another thing entirely to tell her that it wasn't over yet.

"Is everything alright Mr. Stabler? I know this is a lot to take in. If you need more time you don't have to go in yet."

"No, no, I'm fine." Elliot clenched his hand around the doorknob. "I'm ready."

* * *

She lay still; her arms resting atop the thin, white sheets. The bruises around her neck contrasted with the stark pallor of her skin giving her the appearance of a mistreated doll. Elliot moved closer and took a seat by the bed. He reached for her hand while being cautious of the tubes and wires surrounding her.

Olivia's hand was soft to the touch, and her expression was peaceful. It had been a long time since Elliot had seen her look so at ease, and he could only hope her sleep was as peaceful as it seemed. Tenderly, Elliot brushed away a stray hair from her forehead, loosely wrapping it around his finger before tucking it back into place. Olivia stirred but didn't wake.

Elliot watched her sleep and wished with all his might that he could shield her from what came next. The endless barrage of questions, the invasion of privacy, and the reality they would both have to face lay waiting. It was a long and relentless road ahead for the both of them.

Elliot tried in vain to push those thoughts from his head. At this moment all he could focus on was the here and now. He allowed his eyes to drift close and let the rhythmic beeping of the heart monitor be his solace.

The events of the night were catching up to him. It was getting harder to open his eyes as sleep called out to him. He almost surrendered when he felt the bed shift. His eyes flew open to find a pair of deep brown eyes peering back at him.

"Elliot."

"Olivia." Elliot gripped her hand tighter, fully awake now. Her eyes flittered around the room searching for recognition.

"You're in the hospital," He cued.

"Elliot what-," Olivia rasped before breaking off in a brief fit of coughing. Leaning over, Elliot reached for the empty cup and filled it from the small pitcher of water that had been sitting on the bedside table. Sliding his arm behind Olivia's back, Elliot eased her up enough to sip the water. To his surprise, she let him help her.

Once she had finished, Elliot took the cup from her and helped her recline back on the mattress. Olivia's gaze was elsewhere as she delicately traced the splint encasing her wrist before turning towards Elliot, confusion evident in her expression.

"Elliot, what happened?"


	24. Chapter 24

**A/N: Enjoy!**

* * *

Elliot froze, unsure of how to respond. _How much is she asking_? _Does she mean what happened since she got here or does she not remember anything_? Elliot didn't know if he could bear the latter, and he started to reach for the call button. Fortunately, Olivia's next question snapped him out of his panic.

"Did they operate?" Her voice was hesitant, as if she were afraid of the answer.

Elliot lowered his hand and leaned back in his chair, realizing he had overreacted. He glanced at Olivia, but she didn't seem to have noticed. Instead she looked at him patiently, waiting for his answer.

"Yes," Elliot licked his lips trying and failing to figure out the best way to say it. Finally he decided not to mince words, knowing Olivia preferred the direct approach.

"You were shot. The bullet was lodged in your rib, but the surgeons were able to remove it."

Olivia stared at him, trying to make sense of what he wasn't saying. Elliot had stopped talking, yet she sensed he wasn't finished.

"But," she prompted.

Elliot let out a heavy sigh and rubbed his palm over his face. "But the bullet damaged your spleen. They had to remove it."

He peered down at her, waiting for her reaction. Olivia said nothing. For a moment Elliot wondered if it had even registered. Suddenly Olivia jerked the cover up, maneuvering her free hand below the sheets. Elliot glanced away when he heard the rustling of the thin gown, understanding her need to confirm what he had said.

Olivia lowered the sheets with a sigh after having seen the large bandage covering her abdomen. Without warning she leaned forward, resting on her elbows Olivia struggled to sit up.

"Careful, or you'll tear your stitches," Elliot cautioned. He placed his hands on her shoulders, trying to urge her to lie back down. A shrill shriek startled Elliot as Olivia batted his hands away and tried harder to get up, her movements frantic.

He immediately backed away, hands raised in a non-threatening gesture. "Wait, Olivia it's just me. It's Elliot," he soothed.

Olivia froze, her eyes rapidly flickering over his features. Gradually she calmed down, recognition appearing in her eyes.

Elliot inched closer, gauging her reaction. "Let me help you."

Olivia nodded and Elliot braced his hands behind her back, easing her into a sitting position and propping her up with pillows.

Olivia turned to face Elliot, now directly at eye level.

"So is that it, is there anything else?" Olivia asked in an eerily calm voice.

Elliot stared at her, concerned by the deadness in her voice. This was not the reaction he had been expecting. More than anything he wished he could tell her yes, that she had survived everything she had to endure and that it was all over now, but he couldn't. There was one more thing.

* * *

"No."

"Olivia-"

"Elliot, I said no." Elliot reached for her hand, but Olivia pulled away. She turned away from him, "No," she repeated, her voice barely more than a whisper. Tears welled up in her eyes and threatened to spill over at any moment. "I can't. Elliot, I can't do this."

Elliot sat motionless, torn between being her friend or acting as a detective. He wished he could take it back, pretend he had never said anything and assure her that everything would be okay. But he knew he couldn't do that.

"I'm sorry Olivia," Elliot choked out, emotion seizing his voice. "But you know you have to do this."

"No I don't," she rebutted, whirling around to glare at him, her hands tightly fisted around the thin blanket. "I don't have to get a _rape exam_."

Her eyes widened at the sound of her own words. Despite saying it so often in her work, the words suddenly sounded foreign to her ears. Even with the undeniable proof, she still couldn't wrap her mind around the fact that it actually happened.

His heart broke for her. Elliot could see the surprise and fear reflecting in her eyes and all he wanted to do was erase the hurt. His mind scrambled for anything that might bring her comfort.

"I can call Alex or Casey or even Melinda if you would rather-"

"No!" she practically yelled. Olivia looked at Elliot in alarm, panic flashing in her eyes. Lowering her voice to a whisper, Olivia stared down at her blanket and softly admitted, "I don't want anyone to know."

Elliot felt his heart rend at the shame that filled her voice. He wanted nothing more than to wrap his arms around her and reassure her of what he already knew. No one on the squad would ever blame her or see her as anything but strong. He tried to tell her as much.

"Olivia-"

"Please Elliot." She cut him off, "Please don't make me do this." Olivia turned her face away from Elliot, trying to subtly swipe away the tears that had fallen.

Conflict swirled inside Elliot. He felt sick from hearing her fear-tinged plea. _She's already been through more than enough._ _I can't ask her to this._

Still, Elliot knew the consequences of leaving this unreported would come back to haunt them. He'd seen far too many criminals walk free only to come back and finish what they started. _I already failed at protecting her once, I won't let her get hurt again_.

Facing Olivia, who still had not turned back around, Elliot geared up for the argument he prayed he would never need to make.

* * *

Twenty minutes later Olivia sat carefully perched on the side of the bed waiting for the nurse to begin. Convincing her to undergo the exam proved more difficult than Elliot had expected. His initial argument that it would help her get justice fell on deaf ears. She ignored him when he mentioned she might need medical treatment for any injuries. He again promised her that no one would think any less of her, but he received no response. The more he said, the less she listened.

When all else had failed, he guilt-tripped her. Elliot felt terrible to do it, but desperation overruled restraint. However, to his surprise, it worked. The thought of the men being free to hurt another woman was what finally pushed her over. Elliot couldn't help but marvel at this. Even when she was hurting, she was still willing to put someone else before herself. It was another one of the things he loved about her.

When the nurse- a kindly-looking redhead in pink scrubs- entered the room, Elliot rose unsure of what he should do _. Should I stay or would Olivia be more comfortable if I left the room?_ He hovered awkwardly near her bed trying to ascertain her wish. As if reading his mind, Olivia reached out her hand.

"Stay," was all she said.


	25. Chapter 25

**A/N: Thanks for reading and reviewing!**

* * *

Olivia stared blankly at the white walls of the room. She sat rigidly with her back to Elliot as the nurse gently collected samples. He fidgeted in his chair behind her unsure of what to do. Elliot tried to find words to break the tension, but there was nothing he could say that would make things better.

Olivia was silent, but she complied with the nurse's requests without being prodded. However, when the nurse arranged the stirrups, Olivia hesitated to comply; her eyes widened and her body trembled. Elliot said nothing, instead he reached over and gently squeezed Olivia's hand. A few moments passed before she gently squeezed back. Carefully, Olivia shifted on the bed and laid down.

As soon as the nurse began, Olivia fixed her eyes on the ceiling. She seemed calm, yet Elliot could feel her flinch with each of the nurse's ministrations. Minutes ticked by, and Olivia could feel her resolve weakening. She was moments away from telling the nurse to stop when the nurse straightened up and pulled off her gloves. Olivia hastily fixed her gown and pulled the blanket back over her lap while the nurse scribbled on her chart.

"One more thing Ms. Benson. Would you like a contraceptive?"

The words jolted Olivia back to the present, and her stomach violently roiled. _A contraceptive? Oh God, what if I'm-_ Throwing her hand over her mouth Olivia pitched forward, spewing the meager contents of her stomach into the wastebin the nurse had quickly produced, evidently having done this before.

Elliot leaned over, rubbing small circles on her back until she was finished.

The nurse stood sympathetically, and handed her a cup of water. "It's okay if you need time to think about it."

"No!" Olivia rasped, shakily sitting up. "I want to take it."

With some effort the pill slid down her throat and Olivia handed the cup back to the nurse who gathered her supplies and slipped out the room after offering a condoling word.

The moment the door shut Olivia wrenched her hand from Elliot's grasp, and pulled the covers up to her chin.

"Elliot I'm sorry, but I just couldn't do it." The words spilled out of her without prelude and Elliot was lost.

"Couldn't do what Olivia?" Elliot tilted his head trying to catch her eye, but she continued to stare at the blanket.

"I can't be like her." Olivia whispered, finally looking up at him. Her eyes were shining with unshed tears, and then it clicked.

"No. Olivia no, do not apologize." Elliot leaned in closer, resting his hands on her shoulders. "You are not wrong for not wanting to be like your mother."

"But I know how you feel about this, what you believe-" Olivia protested, twisting away from him as her tears flowed freely.

"Forget that, all I care about right now is you." Elliot placed his hands on the side of her face gently turning her back towards him, and wiping away her tears. "I will support any decision you make. I love you Olivia. Always."

Olivia stared at him for a moment, slightly stunned. "Elliot, thank you." Slowly she dropped her gaze.

"Can you wait outside please Elliot? I just need a few minutes." Olivia's voice sounded strained and Elliot didn't argue.

"Of course Liv. I'll be right outside if you need me." Elliot rested his hand on the door before turning back to where Olivia lay. The thought ran through his mind again, _this can't wait any longer_. "Olivia, I'm going to call Cragen now. Is that alright?" He searched her face for any sign of disapproval, but all he received was a blank expression and a faint nod. Sighing to himself Elliot turned the handle and walked out.

Elliot trod the familiar path back to the telephones. Picking up the receiver he hurriedly dialed a familiar number and pressed it to his ear before he could change his mind.

"Hello, Manhattan SVU Captain Cragen speaking."

"Cragen, It's Elliot. I'm at Mercy." Elliot paused and licked his lips, pushing himself to continue, "There's been an incident."

* * *

Donald Cragen sat stiffly at his desk. His phone receiver still clenched tightly in his hand. His mind tried in vain to process the information he had just received. That was the call he always feared, but never thought he would receive.

His mind swam with questions: how, when, where, who? Elliot had been brief only mentioning that Olivia had been assaulted. _Assaulted_ , the word hung heavy in his mind. Cragen had wanted him to elaborate, to assure him that it wasn't the conclusion his thoughts had instantly leaped to. Still, Cragen surmised, Elliot's silence was answer enough.

Slowly Cragen set the receiver back onto the base. Had this been any other case he would've already been in the bullpen relaying the details to his detectives. But this wasn't random, this was Olivia; there was no right way to handle this.

A knock at the door knocked the captain out of his thoughts.

"Hey Cap, got something for you."

Cragen fumbled uselessly at his desk trying to pull himself back into the present.

"Come in," he intoned through the door.

Fin walked in with a stack of papers in his hand. He moved to hand them to the Captain but he stopped short at the unfamiliar look on Cragen's face.

"What's wrong?"

For a moment Cragen considered brushing Fin off. He himself had hardly accepted the information, he wasn't ready to pass it on. However, the more rational side of him intervened. Fin was going to find out eventually, there was no sense in keeping him in the dark.

"There's been an incident," he began, mimicking Elliot's words. He took a breath before continuing. "It's Olivia, she's at Mercy."

* * *

The police car deftly wove in between traffic speeding closer to the location. Fin hadn't wasted any time, needing no further explanation than the few words the captain had uttered. The three of them now raced towards the hospital, having yanked Munch from his desk.

Fin's hands were locked on the wheel while Cragen stared mindlessly out or the passenger window. The car ride was silent. Even Munch, sitting in the back, was strangely devoid of commentary. After what seemed like an eternity, the hospital finally came into view. The men unloaded from the car and hurried through the sliding doors. Cragen had hardly presented his badge before the attending nurse directed them to the waiting room.

The trio entered to find Elliot sitting slumped over, his interlocked hands resting on his knees. Upon their entry he looked up, the distress on his face having aged him. Wearily he rose to his feet and walked over to them.

"She's resting now, but she said to wake her when you got here."

Cragen couldn't take the mystery any longer. Looking Elliot directly in the eyes he asked,

"Elliot. What happened?"

Elliot merely averted his gaze, finding a sudden fascination with his shoes, before looking back up at the inquisitive faces of Cragen, Fin, and Munch.

"With all due respect Captain, I'd rather tell you in my official statement." Elliot cleared his throat before adding, "I don't want to say it more than once."


	26. Chapter 26

**A/N: Thanks for reading and reviewing!**

* * *

A soft tapping at the door shook Olivia from her thoughts and she let out a soft sigh. _It's time_. She had been dreading this inevitable moment from the minute Elliot left her room. She could already envision the sympathetic faces of her teammates. She knew they would coddle her, and it made her feel sick. The last thing she wanted was to be seen as weak. Not now, not after years of trying to prove that she could handle herself just as well as any man.

Olivia straightened herself against the pillows, wincing slightly as her stitches pulled. She forced her expression to a semblance of composure and prepared for what came next. _You can do this_ Olivia thought, and for a split second she almost believed herself.

"Come in," she called, a flash of anxiety causing her voice to waver.

The door swung open and the squad filed in. Elliot walked in first, his eyes searching hers for any indication that she wasn't ready. Instead Olivia smiled warmly at the group and gave her best attempt to calm everyone's nerves.

"Wow, if I knew all of you were coming, I would've opted for a bigger room." Olivia remarked, trying to ease the tension; the joke fell flat.

The captain's brow wrinkled with worry as he took in the bandages and bruises marring her skin. The same expression was mirrored on Munch and Fin. Even Elliot looked shocked, despite having already seeing her. The dark abrasions stood out on her skin, making her look worse for wear.

There was no need for words, the silence in the room was deafening. Olivia didn't know how much Elliot had told them, but it was obvious to her that everyone in the room knew what had happened. She couldn't help but notice the pity brimming in their eyes, and Olivia instinctively dropped her gaze. The last thing she wanted was sympathy; that fixed nothing.

No one quite knew what to do next. Finally Cragen cleared his throat and attempted to regain some control over the disorientation they had all fallen into.

"Elliot."

Elliot's head snapped towards Cragen, his gaze both penetrating and pleading. As if beseeching the captain to take control of the situation, to handle things as he had done so many times before.

Cragen felt guilty that he had nothing to offer. The truth was he had never felt more lost. Still, all eyes were on him. His team was looking to him for guidance. Despite all their years of experience, they were at a loss for how to deal with this. What his squad needed right now was a leader, so Cragen forced himself to shift gears. Putting personal feelings aside, he let himself slip back into an authoritative role and started giving orders.

"Elliot, go with Fin and give your statement. Munch, get a sketch artist here now." Munch and Fin turned to exit the room, but Elliot hesitated. He glanced at Olivia, who had yet to look up, silently asking her permission.

Olivia shifted and caught his eye. She nodded, "Go Elliot, I'll be fine."

The door shut with a click, and the room's final two occupants stared at each other. An uncomfortable sensation passed between them. Slowly Cragen eased into the chair by Olivia's bed looking much older than he ever had. He reached inside his jacket and pulled out a thin spiral notebook with a black pen attached. The click of the pen echoed sharply off the walls. Cragen adjusted his posture and looked at Olivia.

"Whenever you're ready Olivia."

Out of habit Olivia ran a hand through her hair, tugging slightly through the knots that had formed. Her eyes flickered wildly around the room, as though searching for a way to delay the inevitable. Suddenly her shoulders slumped against the pillows, and she let out a deep sigh. Olivia clasped her hands tightly in her lap and inclined her head downward.

"Where do I begin?"

"Just start at the beginning. Take your time." Cragen prompted. Truthfully he wished she'd never begin. Although he knew what had to have happened, he'd pay any price to not hear the words fall from her lips. His wish went ungranted.

"It happened last night. I left work late. When I went inside my apartment, everything looked normal." Olivia paused, searching her memory for anything she may have overlooked that would have clued her to their presence. Cragen sensed her doubt and gently cleared his throat, prompting her back to the present.

"I decided to do some laundry, but when I went to open the door someone grabbed me. He pulled me backwards, but I was able to get free. I-I tried to call for help, but he tackled me and slammed my head against the floor. We struggled some more but…he managed to get my gun."

Olivia's last words were only a whisper and she looked away; shame evident on her face. _I never should have let that happen, it's basic training. Never lose control of your weapon._ Cragen knew what she was thinking, and he desperately wanted to wrap his arms around her and reassure her that it wasn't her fault. Instead he settled for reaching for her hand, feeling an ache in his chest when she flinched away.

"He forced me into the bedroom," Olivia continued, "For a moment I thought I could talk him down. He seemed like he might change his mind but…"

Olivia stopped and Cragen looked up from his notepad, waiting for her to continue.

"What happened next Olivia?"

Olivia looked towards Cragen, but her stare went through him. Her next words came out in a detached voice.

"There were two other men waiting."


	27. Chapter 27

**A/N: As always, thanks for reading and reviewing. It makes my day :)**

* * *

Fin and Elliot sat across from each other in silence. The soft hum of the soda machine provided the only noise. Neither knew where to start.

"I'm ready whenever you are man." Fin said in the softest tone he had ever used with Elliot. The two men had never seen eye to eye, but right now it didn't matter. Elliot rapped his fingers on the wooden table before exhaling. Locking eyes with Fin, he began,

"I forgot my keys."

Elliot relayed the whole tale about the spilled coffee, the loaned jacket, and the necessary trek to Manhattan.

"I knocked at her door, but she didn't answer. I knew Olivia had to be home so I tried the doorknob…and it opened." Elliot remembered the nauseating sensation he had felt and the feelings of guilt resurfaced. _I knew something was wrong. Why didn't I call for help immediately?_

"Elliot," Fin called, shaking him from his guilt-infused flashback.

"I walked in and her bedroom door was closed. I thought maybe she had gone to bed and didn't hear me. I opened the door to make sure Olivia was okay and-"

"And," Fin prompted, his brow crinkled in anticipation.

"And she wasn't."

* * *

The hours passed slowly.

Cragen and Fin sat in the empty waiting room that had become the unofficial workstation, sipping the bitter coffee that was only a small step up from the precinct caffeine. Due to heavy traffic the sketch artist had arrived later than they had hoped. Munch was showing her to the room where Elliot had rejoined Olivia. However, the delay worked out. Taking the statements had been more grueling and time consuming than expected, and everyone needed a moment to decompress. There was no amount of training or experience that could have prepared them for the words that left their colleagues mouths.

Munch strode back into the room fiddling with his glasses. No one spoke. They were torn between staying put a little longer and going back to the precinct to start working the case. Leaving meant accepting the reality, but there was little more that they could do here. Reluctantly, Fin and Cragen rose, and Munch turned towards the hallway.

The sketch artist had just finished packing up when Fin, Munch, and Cragen reached the room. Olivia had slouched back on the pillows while Elliot grasped her uninjured hand. She looked exhausted and he fared no better.

Cragen cleared his throat, "We'll be back later to check on you. Just call if you need anything. Either of you."

Olivia plastered on her best smile although she knew everyone could see through it. As the door shut, a bitterness ran through her. She was grateful for their concern, but resentful of the implications. They thought she couldn't take care of herself.

 _Because you can't_. The traitorous thought slipped through Olivia's mind and she couldn't find the strength to negate it.

* * *

Olivia shifted under the hospital sheets before giving up on finding a position that felt comfortable. The nurse had come and changed her bandages making her sore all over again.

Olivia glanced at the empty bedside chair. After copious negotiation, she had finally convinced Elliot to go home, He finally relented after she pointed out that his family was probably wondering where he was. With the promise that she would call if anything happened and the assurance that he would be back soon, Elliot left. Olivia pressed her head against the pillow and tried to rest, but her she couldn't fall asleep. For the first time since the ordeal she was alone with her thoughts.

* * *

Elliot stood in front of his door and waited. At the end of all this he was still where he began. Without his keys. He could hear footsteps and the door swung open to reveal Kathy with Eli on her hip.

"Elliot where have you-" She started to demand where he had been, irritation seeping into her voice. However, one glance at his face silenced her. Carefully setting Eli down, Kathy sent him upstairs. Eli grinned at his father before eagerly running off to play with his toys. Turning back to face her husband, Kathy opened the door wider and let him in.

"I'll make tea."

Minutes later they sat on the worn living room sofa, knees touching but faces distant.

"Elliot talk to me," Kathy pleaded. She had seen Elliot angry, sad, frustrated, and every emotion in between, but she had never seen him quite like this. He had never looked so broken.

Elliot rotated the porcelain cup in his hands and took a sip. Biting back a grimace, he swallowed. He hated the taste, but it gave him something to do with his hands.

"Something happened. Olivia. I couldn't." The words came out fragmented. Elliot felt himself unraveling, but he was powerless to stop it.

Normally at the mention of her name Kathy felt a little jolt of jealousy, but not this time.

"What happened to Olivia? Is she okay?" Kathy set her cup down on the table and edged closer to Elliot. She placed her hand on his cheek and tried to get him to look at her.

Her touch was all it took. The last straw to surmount the tension that had been steadily building all day. Wordlessly he fell into his wife's embrace, clinging to her as if she would disappear.

It was an unfamiliar role reversal. For once she was the protector. Kathy gently rubbed Elliot's back, cradling him closer to her and whispering assurances in his ear.

He held on to her, drawing in deep, raspy breaths. They stayed like that, him battling his demons and her soothing him, until Kathy could feel Elliot's grip loosen. He straightened up and she eased back, allowing him space. Kathy leaned back against the armrest, patiently waiting.

Elliot reached for the now lukewarm tea, and clasped his hands around the cup. He swirled it gently and for the second time that day, he repeated the story.


	28. Chapter 28

**A/N:** **Enjoy!**

* * *

The repetitive ticking of the clock echoed off the walls and Olivia glared at it. If she hadn't already given up on sleep, she surely would have by now. Following her squad's departure the rest of the day was thankfully uneventful. Olivia had idly switched between an overdramatized soap opera and weather reports. She listened to footsteps passing in the hallway and dreaded when the steps stopped outside her door.

After again changing her bandages and upping her pain medication, the nurse had promised to give her something to help her sleep. Olivia had protested, but the nurse's assurance that the sooner she slept the faster she could heal and go home was enough to make her cave. Still, it wasn't sleep she feared, but the dreams that were sure to follow.

* * *

The bullpen was in an unusual array. The display board was centered in the middle of the room like always; however, the spot that usually contained the victim's information was empty. No one could stomach the thought of placing Olivia's picture up there.

"Alright, tell me we've got something," Cragen demanded, hustling out of his office.

"I had those rookie officers go back and take a proper statement from the ladies in the stairwell. Got a description of our perps that seem to match up with the ids Olivia and Elliot gave," Fin supplied.

Munch took his ear away from the receiver. "Alerted all the hospitals in the area, so far no one has come in matching their description."

Cragen tilted his head back at the ceiling, gathering his composure. "Stay by the phone. If he's wounded as bad as Elliot said he was, he'll have to seek some kind of care eventually, with or without his buddies."

"I just got off the phone, "Cragen continued, "There's going to be a press conference tonight-"

"Press conference?" Fin interrupted. They all knew what he was thinking. Press conferences were last resorts. Involving the media meant word would get out, and speculations would be made. Protecting a rape victims' identity was standard procedure, but they knew as well as anyone that people talked and secrets got out.

"I know what you're all thinking," Cragen added, seeing the looks on his detectives' faces. "I'm not happy about it either, but right now this is the best option. They could be anywhere. These men know we're looking for them, they aren't going to stick around. Alerting the public to keep an eye out is our best chance of catching them. I want their faces plastered everywhere. Wherever they are, we _will_ find them."

* * *

2 days. That was how much longer she had to stay there. Dr. Klaus had come by to assess Olivia. She deemed that she was healing as intended. Olivia had argued that if she was doing so well she should be allowed to go home, but her wishes went unanswered.

Initially the doctor had wanted to keep her for four days just to be sure, but Olivia vehemently opposed that. It had only been a day and she was already restless. The white walls felt restrictive and the constant smell of antiseptic made her feel sick. Olivia mentioned this, and after a brief debate a crude compromise was made. Dr. Klaus permitted her to go home in two days provided she wouldn't be on her own. Olivia readily agreed. Despite not wanting people hovering over her, anything was better than staying in the hospital. Even without asking she knew her squad would check on her, and she knew she had no chance of keeping Elliot away.

The doctor finally walked out and Olivia sighed in relief. There was another reason she was so eager to leave. Sitting in the hospital with nothing to do gave her too much time to think about the reason she was even there at all.

* * *

A tapping at the door drew Olivia's attention away from the television.

"It's Elliot." His voice sounded muffled.

"Come in." Olivia called, grateful for the intrusion.

Elliot walked in, and Olivia immediately saw the reason for his obstructed voice. In his arms was a very oversized, fluffy teddy bear with a pink ribbon tied around its neck. Elliot peered out from behind the bear.

"The gift shop was out of flowers," was his only explanation.

Once the shock subsided, Olivia couldn't contain the giggles that escaped her. She stopped abruptly, then laughed harder. Elliot joined in until the laughter finally ceased as they struggled to catch their breath.

Sliding into the chair, still clutching the giant bear, Elliot managed a grin. "Who would've guessed, the infamously great Olivia Benson giggles.

Olivia shot him a mock glare. "Hush, it's the drugs. They have me on really strong painkillers to help with the splenectomy.

Just like that the laughter fizzled to an abrupt end as the gaiety took a nosedive into somber affairs.

"So, Liv, how are you? I mean how are you _really?"_ Elliot stressed, being well aware of Olivia's tendency to downplay serious circumstances that involved her.

Olivia paused for a moment. "I'm fine," The honesty in her voice caught them both off guard.

"I've hardly even thought about _it._ I'm not lying," Olivia rushed to say, seeing Elliot about to protest. "It's just every time the memories resurface, it's easy to push them away."

"That's the drugs Liv, you know it won't last. You-We still need to deal with this." It hurt him to see the way she was reacting. Olivia of all people knew that not talking about an assault didn't make things better.

"I know Elliot, I know. But not now. I'm starting to feel better, the doctor said I can go home soon. We can talk about _whatever_ then," Olivia crossed her arms over her chest, signaling that the conversation had ended.

"How are the kids?" Olivia tried to change the subject, wanting Elliot's presence but not his inquiry. Thankfully Elliot cooperated.

"They're doing fine. Just last week Maureen got the promotion she's been hoping for."

Elliot kept talking and the two of them lapsed into comfortable, safe, conversation. They would confront their demons another day.


	29. Chapter 29

**A/N: I'll be leaving soon for a trip, so I wanted to post this chapter before I left. It's a little longer than usual since I won't be able to update for a couple of weeks. Enjoy!**

* * *

It had been 3 days since the attack and the phones were ringing off the hook in the precinct. Munch slammed the receiver down in frustration. "Some lady swears she saw them getting facials at the spa."

Fin scoffed without looking up from his computer. Ever since the press conference, the lines had been busy nonstop with tips. Most of them were clearly false, but the few they did investigate didn't pan out. The board had a little more information, but the blank spaces stood out.

Munch and Fin had grilled the manager and employees at the coffee shop where Ben worked. They all said the same things: he was a loner, quiet, good worker, but occasionally had a temper. All they gained was a last name-Jamieson.

The search of Ben's apartment turned up nothing helpful. Aside from an unusual level of cleanliness compared to the typical bachelor pad, there was nothing suspicious. His address book had never been written in and TARU couldn't find a record of anyone named Jim-if that was even his real name-on his hard drive.

Cragen entered the squad room and Munch and Fin turned to him in attention, the unasked question heavy in the air. He merely shook his head and watched their faces fall. He had set out to investigate a promising lead that once again fell flat.

Cragen surveyed his detectives, sensing the change that had come over them. The initial drive and determination they started with was turning to apprehension. The more time that passed, the bleaker the outcome became. The same question rotated in their minds. Had the men really gotten away or were they biding their time, lying in wait to finish what they started?

* * *

Elliot sat in front of the television again. The bright screen flickered with images of a cooking utensil and an overly animated host proclaiming the great bargain. Elliot hardly paid it any mind, but he made no motion of moving. Watching infomercials at 3:00 a.m. was a better alternative than sleeping.

Two nights ago, after he had come home utterly spent, Kathy had insisted he go to bed after his confession, and he was to worn out to protest. Still, as tired as he was, he barely slept a wink. Images of Olivia kept running through his mind every time he closed his eyes. Eventually Elliot gave up on sleeping and slipped down to the living room being careful not to disturb Kathy. He turned on the TV and readily welcomed the distraction.

"Elliot help me!"

"Olivia?" Elliot jumped to his feet, his eyes wide with alarm. "Olivia where are you!?" His eyes scanned the darkened room.

"Elliot!" Olivia's voice sounded faintly. Elliot sprinted in the direction of Olivia's voice and stopped in his tracks at what he saw. Jim had one hand entangled in Olivia's hair, forcing her to stay on her knees. The other hand held a gun which he had pointed at the back of her head. Olivia's clothes were shredded and silent tears painted their way down her cheeks. Elliot's blood ran cold as Olivia looked imploringly at him, but he couldn't make himself move.

"Say goodbye," was all Jim said before he pulled the trigger.

"NO," Elliot shouted and just then a hand closed around his arm. Elliot blindly struck out, his fist swinging at the unknown assailant.

"Elliot!" a familiar woman's voice cried out. Elliot's eyes sprung open and the room slowly came into focus. Standing above him was Kathy with an astonished look on her face. His fist had missed her face by inches.

"Kathy!" Elliot pushed himself into a sitting position, his mind still struggling to wake up. "Did I hurt you?" Eliot leapt to his feet, gently inspecting Kathy's face.

"No Elliot, but," she pulled away from his grasp with a sigh, "This can't go on."

"It was an accident Kathy, you know I would never intentionally hurt you." Elliot supplicated, horrified by the thought. "It was just a bad dream."

"About what."

Elliot hesitated, "The usual kind."

"Elliot why can't you talk to me?" Kathy asked, softening her voice.

"I told you what happened," Elliot replied with a defensive edge in his voice.

"Yes, you _told_ me, in the loosest sense of the word, you never talked about it." Kathy carried on before Elliot could protest, "Elliot if you won't talk to me, talk to _her_. What happened affected both of you. Please Elliot, I can't stand to see you hurting."

The couple stared at each other, hands clenched and fighting back tears; Elliot was the first to move.

"Olivia gets out today, I was going to go pick her up."

Kathy placed her hand on Elliot's shoulder, "I won't wait up," she whispered before walking back upstairs.

* * *

The sky was painted a drab gray, and the clouds hung heavy with the threat of rain. Peering out from the hospital window, Olivia approved of these conditions.

The weather matched her mood, pent up emotion that was bound to break free. She sat dressed in a loose fitting blue hoodie and grey sweatpants that Elliot had brought her earlier in anticipation of today. She drummed at the bedrail waiting for her final check before being given the release forms. Olivia couldn't wait to get out of there, she was sick of the pitying glances the nurses threw her way. She was tired of being seen as a victim.

As the hour drew near, Olivia could feel her enthusiasm draining. Suddenly the thought of going home didn't seem so appealing. The morphine was wearing off. The doctor had written her a prescription for another pain medication, but she would have to pick it up. He assured her that what she was on now would last her the rest of the day. The doctor had steadily been reducing her dose and now her mind was beginning to clear and with that came a realization. Going home meant being alone with her thoughts.

Olivia wasn't sure she was ready for that. However, she was deprived the chance of further pondering that.

"Olivia," Elliot peered around the ajar door. "Are you ready?"

"I will be as soon as the nurse returns with my discharge papers." Olivia tugged at her shirt, feeling restless. "What, no more gifts?" She tipped her head towards the large bear that was taking up occupancy in the chair.

Elliot offered a wry grin in response. Silence settled into the room and their gazes began to wander. They had only been reunited for a moment and already the conversation had dried up.

The nurse returned with the documentation, and Olivia hastily scrawled her name on the line. Her signature was nearly illegible due to the splint, but it would suffice. Olivia moved to get to her feet when the nurse stopped her.

Reaching around the corner she rolled a wheelchair into the room.

"Hospital protocol."

Olivia protested the wheelchair pointing out that since she was cleared to leave, surely she could walk, but neither the nurse nor Elliot budged.

Relenting with a sigh, Olivia allowed the nurse to ease her into the chair and wheel her down the hall. Elliot lumbered along beside them, the large teddy bear obstructing his vision. Once outside, Olivia cautiously got to her feet. A breeze rustled her hair and she closed her eyes. Olivia stood for a moment, taking it all in. She hadn't been outside in days and the air felt different somehow. She felt different.

"Liv, you okay?"

Elliot's concerned timbre broke her concentration. She turned, shaking her head and pasting a smile on her face.

"I'm fine Elliot, I just want to go home."

Going home posed an unexpected challenge. Although Olivia's apartment was no longer an active crime scene, Elliot hesitated to bring her there. The evidence of what happened may have been gone, but the memories still hung in dead air.

Elliot eased his car into the Manhattan traffic while his mind scrambled for a solution. With her head turned towards the window, Olivia settled his internal debate.

"I want to go to my apartment Elliot." She said calmly.

The statement caught him off-guard, and Elliot was grateful Olivia wasn't looking at him. Elliot hands tensed on the wheel as he tried to objectively voice his concerns.

"Olivia you don't have to go back. You can stay with me and-" Elliot trailed off, perhaps mentioning his wife wasn't the best move. The last thing he needed to do was resurrect feelings of guilt on top of everything else. Elliot hurried to recover. "Or-or you can stay at a hotel. There are options, just tell me what you want. I just don't want you to feel rushed."

Olivia turned to face him. "What I want, Elliot, is to go back to my apartment." She repeated in a low voice. "It is still my home, I won't let them take that from me too." The note of finality in her voice tabled the discussion.

"Okay Olivia, whatever you want." Elliot steered the car towards her place, keeping quiet about his further misgivings.

* * *

Olivia unlocked the door, but her hand remained on the knob. She had heard from victims how hard it was to reenter the places they had been violated in, but she never understood that feeling until now. Behind the door was no longer her safe space, her place to escape the torments of her job. Now it had become a part of the horrors she saw daily.

Elliot sensed her need to collect herself and gave her space.

 _Come on, you can do this. It's over. They're long gone._ Olivia's mental pep talk was enough to make her turn the knob and swing open the door to her apartment.

There was a coffee mug in the sink, the pillows on the couch were slightly askew, and her brown leather jacket was crumpled on the floor. Everything was exactly as she left it.

Being aware of Elliot's concerned presence behind her, Olivia stepped into her apartment for the first time in days. Elliot walked in behind her and placed her things down on the couch. He looked at her, waiting for what came next.

"Thank you for driving me Elliot. I really appreciate it." Olivia walked to the door and held it open. "So I'll see you later." Olivia looked at him expectantly, and Elliot stared back.

Elliot paused, _Is she really kicking me out_? Aside from the doctor's insistence that she wasn't on her own, he wasn't ready to leave her yet.

"What's the rush Liv? I'm not in any hurry," For good measure, Elliot pulled off his heavy sweatshirt and tossed it on the couch, making himself comfortable in his faded t-shirt.

Now it was Olivia's turn to hesitate. She hadn't expected him to want to stay. Just from the brief time spent back in her apartment, memories already began to creep up. Elliot had to feel it too, surely he should be just as eager to leave as she was.

She tried again, "I'm not the best company right now. I'm still a little groggy from the meds. I'll probably just have a quick meal and take a nap."

"That's fine. I'll make you something," Elliot easily replied back, heading towards her pantry. He knew Olivia liked to close herself off. But Elliot was determined to not let her shut him out.

Olivia faltered. She didn't want to kick Elliot out, but she also didn't want to deal with the conversation that was bound to happen. The memories were already threatening to claw away at her stability, she didn't need to help them along.

The noodles clattered loudly as Elliot shook the box of instant macaroni.

"I'm surprised Liv, you actually have something edible. I thought we'd have to order takeout." Before she could argue Elliot went on "So, does macaroni and a mindless movie sound good to you? Elliot gave her a knowing look.

Olivia quickly processed what Elliot was saying. He was giving her an out.

A wave of relief crashed over her. Elliot wasn't going to press her to talk. The knots in her stomach untangled.

"It sounds great Elliot."


	30. Chapter 30

**A/N: I had a great trip, thanks for being patient. Enjoy!**

* * *

Moments later Elliot and Olivia were sitting on the couch side by side, a bowl of warm macaroni and cheese nestled on their laps. It felt familiar, the casual dinner devoid of any deep conversation. They were content to just be. For a moment they could pretend that nothing had changed.

Time passing found the empty bowls resting on the coffee table and the credits of The Breakfast Club rolling by. It was barely evening, but it felt as though days had passed. Elliot made the first move. Shifting from his reclining position on the arm of the sofa, Elliot stood and gathered the dishes.

Olivia craned her neck to watch him. "El, you don't have to do that," Olivia said, propping herself up on her elbows. "I can-" she stopped suddenly cognizant of her injured wrist.

"Olivia it's fine, let me help you."

* * *

Midway through the next movie, Elliot could feel fatigue overcoming him. He did his best to stifle a yawn, trying not to disturb Olivia who was resting against his shoulder. Still she noticed. Olivia sat up and blinked at the clock. Running a hand through her slightly mussed hair, she leaned away from Elliot.

"It's getting late. You should probably be getting home." She said hesitantly.

Elliot sat up straighter, not even bothering to conceal his yawn this time.

"I don't have to go Olivia. I can sleep on the couch." Elliot rebutted.

Olivia shook her head, "Elliot, I'll be fine. Besides, I have Atlas." She indicated her head towards the giant teddy bear.

Elliot remained seated, the attempt at humor didn't faze him. Now that the slight gaiety of the night had faded, reality began to set in. Being in her apartment made him feel uneasy. Elliot could only imagine how hard it was for Olivia. For that reason alone, he refused to leave her.

"I want to stay Olivia. I know you'll be fine on your own, but I'll feel better if I know you're okay." Elliot implored, hoping she wouldn't make him leave.

He'd stay outside all night if he had to, but Elliot wished it wouldn't come to that.

Olivia fidgeted with the throw blanket while she composed her thoughts. If she were being honest with herself, she did feel safer having Elliot here. Still, allowing him to stay would mean admitting she was afraid.

Olivia mulled this over. Elliot had already seen her at her weakest and he hadn't run away. But tonight would be one time too many. _How can he trust me to have his back if I'm afraid to even be alone in my own apartment?"_

Her mind made up, Olivia turned back to Elliot, but before she could send him home a bright flash of lightning illuminated the sky followed by a loud clap of thunder that rattled through the room. They both jumped and looked towards the window. Olivia walked towards it and pulled back the drapes just in time to see the beginning of a downpour.

Her shoulders sagged a bit as she shut the drapes after checking to make sure the window was locked.

"Just for tonight," was all she said.

* * *

Elliot walked out of the bathroom having washed up best he could and feeling grateful that Olivia had a spare toothbrush. She had thrown some blankets as well as a pillow on the couch and was standing looking forlorn at her closed bedroom door.

Elliot padded over to the couch and turned to Olivia. He was going to ask if he could borrow some sweats, knowing she had a couple of oversized pairs that would fit him. However the question died on his lips.

Her stance was rigid and Elliot could sense the apprehension rolling off her in waves. Plopping down on the couch as loudly as possible, Elliot drove his fists into the pillow-fluffing it with much more force than necessary. The commotion caught Olivia's attention and drew her from her trance.

Pretending as though he hadn't seen her, Elliot slumped down on the couch and flung the blanket over him.

Olivia blinked and looked at him. "You're going to sleep like that?" She stared pointedly at Elliot's jean clad leg which stuck out under the throw. "I have some sweatpants you could wear… in my closet." Olivia's voice trailed off and she warily glanced at her bedroom door, hesitantly moving towards it.

"No Liv, don't bother I'm comfortable;" Elliot interrupted, adjusted his pillow again and pulled the blanket up higher, "I can't tell you how many times I've slept in my clothes. Really Liv, I'm fine," he added, with what he hoped was a convincing grin.

Olivia still seemed a little skeptical, but she quickly let the issue drop.

That was a lie. Elliot was far from fine. Truthfully the jeans were irritating, the rough material rubbed against him every time he tried to get comfortable. He had contemplated taking off his jeans and just sleeping in his boxers, but he didn't want to risk making Olivia uncomfortable. It was a stark illustration of how much things had changed. Elliot tried to limit his fidgeting, lest she notice. Instead he watched her.

Olivia puttered around a bit more, straightening the coffee table and making sure the drapes were closed. Upon passing the door, Olivia subtly checked the lock for the third time since they had been there and Elliot pretended not to notice. The same thought permeated at the forefront of their minds. _What if they come back to finish what they started?_

By now Olivia had run out of things to busy herself with and rested against the arm of the couch looking a little lost. It was getting late and she was tired, but she couldn't bring herself to go to bed. That would mean venturing into her bedroom for the first time since it happened. Unconsciously, Olivia bit her lip as she stared at the door blinking back tears. _How did everything change so fast?_ The normally cozy room had been drained of all warmth. The place she came to get away from the horrors she saw daily had been corrupted, her haven was now a den of nightmares.

"Hey Liv, does this pull out?"

Elliot's question ripped her away from her thoughts. He had stood up and was now fumbling with the couch.

"Nevermind, I got it," Elliot announced as he unfolded the bed from beneath the cushions. "Whoa Liv," Elliot rambled on, "This is the largest foldout couch I've ever seen. It's easily big enough for two people. Are you sure you don't want to sleep here?" he casually asked. "It's probably quieter out here since your bed is so close to the window and the storm's still going on" Elliot finished with a shrug.

Olivia glanced at him, an unreadable look in her eyes. She appeared to think it over, her eyes flickering between the sofa and her bedroom door.

"Well-," she began, a note of uncertainty in her voice. "It is more comfortable out here. I've been meaning to get a new mattress for months." For both their sakes, Elliot pretended that was the truth.

He rolled over, making ample space for her.


	31. Chapter 31

**A/N: Thanks for reading/reviewing!**

* * *

Olivia was grateful that Elliot had thought to bring her sweats; now she wouldn't have to worry about changing clothes.

Olivia eased down onto the bed with her good arm wrapped protectively around her ribcage. She bit her lip to stifle the gasp of pain the small movement had caused her. After what seemed like ages, Olivia managed to lie down with minimal discomfort.

"You okay?" Elliot inquired, pivoting to study her form. Tension radiated off of Olivia as she lay rigidly on her back.

"I'm fine Elliot," Olivia murmured, "I've never been much of a back sleeper but…"

Elliot understood, her injured ribs ruled out any preferred position.

"Can I get you anything? Another pillow? I could go and pick up your prescription now." Elliot was already on his feet, desperate for any task that would ease her suffering.

"No!" Olivia reached for Elliot's arm, grimacing from the sudden movement. "Stay."

One word from her was all it took. Elliot sat back down and picked up the blanket that had fallen to the floor. Carefully he draped it over her before lying down beside her.

Olivia felt the tension leave her body. If she admitted to herself, she did feel safer having him here with her. Elliot reached up and turned off the lamp beside them.

"Goodnight Olivia,"

"Goodnight Elliot."

Only the soft glow of the television illuminated the room while the steady sound of the rain falling lulled them into a state of calm. Memories of the last time they shared a bed flittered through their minds. Unlike then, everything was different. They were as still as strangers, barely touching, and waiting for sleep that wouldn't come.

* * *

3:01 a.m. The blue light of Elliot's watch displayed the time. Elliot was wide awake as he had been for the last hour. Sleep no longer came easily. Every time he closed his eyes memories of the assault threatened to takeover. He frowned and rolled over again. Beside him, Olivia snored softly. He was thankful that at least she was able to sleep.

Quietly, Elliot slipped off the mattress being careful not to disturb Olivia. He started to get a drink of water, but he found himself being drawn to Olivia's bedroom instead. His hand rested on the doorknob. Elliot's chest felt tight as he remembered what happened behind the door although he knew there would be nothing to see. At the captain's behest, cleanup had taken care of the mess and Olivia's apartment was as clean as it had been prior to the attack.

Changing his direction, Elliot wandered over to the window and peered outside. The rain continued to fall and the clouds still hung heavy overhead. Unlatching the door, Elliot stepped outside onto the balcony and slid the door closed behind him. The steady fall of rain and the rolls of thunder drowned out the never-ending background noise. He took a deep breath and let it out slowly. In a city of 8 million, Elliot was alone. Elliot tilted his head towards the sky and for the first time since that night, he finally let himself cry. Under the camouflage of the clouds, his tears mixed in with the rain.

* * *

A little while later Elliot stepped back inside, dripping wet from the rain. His sturdy jeans were only a little damp, but his shirt was soaking wet. Padding softly across the carpet, Elliot retrieved his previously discarded sweatshirt. Elliot maneuvered out of his wet shirt and pulled the warm sweatshirt over his head.

He was just about ready to lie back down when he heard a soft cry. Tossing the shirt aside, Elliot peered at Olivia.

Her brow was creased and her lips were moving, but no sound came out. It looked like the beginning of a nightmare. Elliot reached out to wake her before it got worse when Olivia stilled. Her face softened and her breathing relaxed. Releasing a breath he didn't realize he was holding, Elliot settled back into his spot ready to let sleep claim him.

"NO!" The shrill scream sliced through the silence.

Elliot's eyes flew open in a panic before he realized what was happening. Rising up quickly, he looked at Olivia. Her face was etched in fear and her limbs moved sporadically, fending off an unseen assailant. "Let go of me!"

"Olivia! "Olivia!" Elliot's attempts to wake her were in vain. Her head turned sharply to the side and a whimper escaped her.

Elliot was hesitant to touch her, knowing the adverse effect that could have, but he was afraid she would tear her stitches or further injure herself. Bracing himself, Elliot reached for her shoulder and gently shook her. As expected, she lashed out, her knee catching him in the stomach. Elliot grunted, but he didn't let go. He shook her harder, calling out her name as he did.

"No! Don't!" she thrashed in his grip but he held firm, feeling sick by what he was doing.

Finally she went slack in his grip, the tension drifting from her face. One last phrase slipped from her lips. "Don't hurt him." She whispered.

Elliot recoiled as guilt coursed through him. He was in her nightmares. Even with her own life in jeopardy, she still fought to save his. That was a debt he couldn't repay, and the memory plagued him.

"Elliot."

Elliot tore himself away from his shame and glanced down to find Olivia's wide open brown eyes staring back at him.

"Hey Liv, it's okay. It was only a dream." Elliot soothed.

"I know," Olivia drew in a deep breath and slowly exhaled to steady herself.

Hesitantly Elliot asked, "Do you want to talk about it?"

No." Olivia replied tersely as her fingers curled around the blanket.

"Okay," Elliot promptly replied, "We can just go back to sleep."

Elliot helped Olivia reposition herself and was surprised when she moved closer to him.

She rested her head on his chest, and Elliot curled his arm protectively around her waist drawing her near. Slowly they fell asleep, innocently entwined in so intimate a position.


	32. Chapter 32

**A/N: Enjoy!**

* * *

The rays of the early morning sun streamed through the curtains, bathing the room in a bright yellow glow. The light shining on her face eventually drew Olivia from her slumber. Rubbing her eyes, Olivia rolled over, trying not to disturb Elliot. However when she turned over, she noticed his side was vacant. Olivia reached for the arm of the sofa and used it to pull herself up. Slightly winded from the simple act of sitting up, Olivia was hesitant to stand. Instead she looked around her apartment.

It felt empty. He was gone.

Her heart sagged a bit and her thoughts turned inward. _How long did you expect him to stay? After your episode last night, he probably changed his mind._ _He can't put his life on hold just because yours is messed up._ Tears began to well up in Oliva's eyes but she resolutely blinked them back, arguing with the voice in her head. _No, Elliot wouldn't just leave, not like this._

Olivia made a motion to stand with the intention of checking to see if Elliot had left a note when a noise grabbed her attention. Someone was opening the door. Olivia froze as panic seized her. She couldn't move, couldn't think, couldn't breathe. Like a sitting duck she sat on the edge of the mattress waiting for whoever to come inside.

The door creaked open slowly and Elliot clumsily stumbled through the door, his arms laden with plastic bags. He unloaded them on the counter, his back to her. Olivia took that moment to center herself. Inhaling shakily, she tried to calm her frazzled nerves. Quickly she tugged the blanket over her lap to conceal her still trembling hands before Elliot turned around.

"Olivia you're awake." Elliot greeted her with a genuine smile, completely unaware of the terror he had caused her. Her fear slowly morphed into anger. _He couldn't be bothered to announce himself, or at least knock!_ Ire settled within Olivia, and she prepared to make Elliot aware. Before she could get a word out, Elliot continued.

"Honestly Liv, how do you survive? Your fridge is as empty as the pantry. You didn't even have eggs," he announced as he pulled out a gray carton from one of the bags. "Luckily the bodega was open at this hour. Elliot then pulled out a smaller bag and set it on the counter. "I swung by the pharmacy while I was out and picked up your prescription. Figured you'd be needing it sooner than later."

The longer Elliot talked, the more Olivia felt her anger ebb away. One thought echoed in her head. _He didn't leave._

Struggling to her feet, Olivia went to join Elliot in the kitchen. She slid onto a barstool while Elliot busied himself mixing pancake batter. Elliot slid a steaming hot cup of coffee in front of her and a comfortable silence fell over them. Olivia wrapped her hands around it, appreciating the warmth that radiated from it.

"Thank you," Olivia whispered, barely loud enough to be heard.

"No problem Liv. Pancakes are my specialty." Elliot grinned as he expertly flipped the pancake, catching it with ease.

Olivia didn't smile. Instead she stared down at her coffee and went on, "Not just for this, for-" Olivia vaguely gestured her hand, struggling to find the words.

Elliot stepped away from the stove and crossed over to where Olivia sat. Tilting her chin up, he looked her straight in the eyes. "Olivia, you never have to thank me for _any_ of this." He said solemnly.

Olivia nodded- wanting to deflect from the serious tone their conversation had taken- and moved out of Elliot's light grasp.

Elliot finished cooking and slid a warm stack of pancakes dripping with syrup and butter in front of before sidling up next to her with his own helping. Olivia's stomach churned at the sight of the food before her. It was a moderately sized breakfast, but it suddenly seemed like far too much. Her body was beginning to ache and all she wanted to do was lie back down. Elliot sensed her reluctance, and gently instructed her without looking up from his plate.

"Eat Olivia. You can't take your medication on an empty stomach."

Olivia looked back at her plate, knowing he was right. She forced herself to stomach a few bites before reaching for the small orange bottle. Swallowing the pills she chased them with a swig of coffee and wished they'd work immediately.

Eventually they finished breakfast and were back nestled again on the couch. The television was on but neither of them were paying attention. Their minds were distracted by what came next. They couldn't stay hidden inside forever. At some point Elliot would have to go home and Olivia would have to deal with being alone in her apartment again. The thought was painful to imagine. They sat lost in thought until the shrill ring of the telephone sliced through the room.

"I'll get it," Olivia announced, springing from her seat. The pain pills had finally kicked in and she stood with ease. She was grateful for the distraction as she was growing restless waiting for one of them broach the conversation she didn't want to have.

"Hello?"

The voice on the other end spoke and all at once Olivia's demeanor changed. The smile fell off her face at the words that followed. Elliot noticed she hadn't said anything and turned towards her. All the color seemed to have drained from Olivia's face and her hand gripped the receiver so hard Elliot feared it would break. Olivia's legs felt weak and she slid to the floor before they gave out. In an instant Elliot was by her side. He called her name, but she barely noticed. All she could hear were the words from the caller echoing in her ear.


	33. Chapter 33

**A/N: Sorry for the delayed update, I hope you all had a happy Easter!**

* * *

In a flash Elliot was at Olivia's side. He pried the phone from her hand and shouted into the receiver,

"Who is this?" Elliot was met with the sound of silence. He was about to hit redial when the phone came to life in his hand, ringing with a sense of urgency.

"Who is this?" Elliot answered gruffly, determined to get answers out of the mystery caller.

"It's Fin. Is Liv okay? I called before but we got cut off" Fin's concerned voice came over the phone, and Elliot breathed a sigh of relief. His immediate fear that Olivia's attackers were calling to taunt her was quelled. Below him Olivia still sat in a state of catatonia. Her eyes were wide and unfocused and her breathing was shallow.

"I think she's in shock," Elliot honestly answered, "What did you say to her?"

Fin let out a deep sigh. "I said we caught them."

Elliot rocked back on his heels, feeling like all the wind had just been knocked out of him. He settled back against the wall next to Olivia, now understanding her reaction with perfect clarity.

"Elliot, Elliot, you still there?" Fin's voice rang out faintly from the phone that had fallen to the carpet.

Elliot recovered from the shock and shakily reached for the phone as he absorbed what Fin had said.

"Yeah, I'm here," Elliot rasped. His mind now raced with questions, and he struggled with what to ask first. Finally Elliot settled on the most pressing question.

"How?"

* * *

The 1-6 precinct was filled with its usual bustle and noise. Officers and suspects alike contributed to the chaos. However, the SVU squadroom was the exception to the norm. A heavy stillness hung in the air. The areas 3 occupants moved slowly with the weight of an unseen burden dragging them down. The two empty desks were a testament to all that had happened.

Cragen was shut away in his office as he had been more often as of late. Munch worked silently across from Fin. Even he had run out of things to say.

"Dammit!" Fin slammed his hands down on his desk in frustration. "How the hell can we still have nothing? We should've collared those bastards by now."

Munch looked up, about to try his luck at reassuring his partner when the phone rang.

"Hello?" Fin answered, with a pang of impatience in his voice. Fin listened for a moment suddenly sitting up straighter and scribbling down something on a spare piece of paper. "We'll be right there," he said before hurriedly ending the call.

Munch perked up waiting to hear the news. A dark smile crossed his partner's face. "A receptionist at Lincoln identified one of our perps.

* * *

The curtain was pulled back and the sight before them brought a small smirk to their faces. A man lay in the hospital bed, the covers were pulled back exposing a thick white bandage that covered the majority of his right leg. The man cluelessly looked up and his face blanched the moment he saw them. The man's eyes helplessly darted around the room looking for an escape, but there was nowhere to go. He was stuck. He drew in a shaky breath and pressed his palms flat against the bedsheet as they slowly approached him, savoring every moment.

"Hello Mr. Blanchet," Munch began, peering over the tops of his sunglasses, "Or should we call you Jim."

* * *

Twenty minutes later Munch and Fin strode out of the room, jotting down last minute notes as they went. It hadn't taken long. The man had folded the moment he realized he was caught. After waiting for another officer to arrive and keep watch over Jim, they left the hospital in haste. Munch climbed behind the wheel while Fin slid into the passenger seat and called to update the captain.

"Hey Cap, we got one of them. Receptionist at Lincoln called it in. Munch and I are on our way to pick up the other two now, we got a few unis makin' sure they don't leave," Fin paused a minute, "Apparently his friends tried to play doctor. It didn't work and the wound got infected. They ended up dropping him off so he'd shut up about the pain. He flipped on them the moment we mentioned prison. Turns out he ain't so tough when he's not the one calling the shots."

The crown vic skidded to a halt in front of the curb where two other unmarked squad cars were already stationed. They approached the other officers, flashing their badges as introduction. The plain-clothed officers leaned casually against their cars, facing the dilapidated building across the street.

"We've been able to confirm movement, but so far they haven't tried to leave," One officer piped up. "Do you want us to go in now?" Another questioned.

"No," Fin interjected. "No offence, but my partner and I can take it from here."

The officers merely nodded and gestured Fin and Munch forward, understanding their need to be the ones making the arrest.

Munch knocked on the door "NYPD open up!" There was a moment of silence followed by the sound of rapid footsteps moving away from the door. The two men barged out the back door nearly tripping over themselves in the process only to be faced with the barrel of a gun.

"NYPD," Fin announced, his grip not wavering. "You are under arrest. You have the right to remain silent anything you say can and will be used against you in a court of law," Fin continued while Munch came around back and handcuffed the men tighter than necessary.

They arrived back at the station with minimal fuss and sent the two men to separate interrogation rooms, leaving them to sweat. Cragen made his way over, and looked through the windows at the men. "So this is them," he said gravely.

"Do you want us to call Liv now?"

"No, not yet. See if you can get a confession out of one of them before they lawyer up. Munch and Fin nodded their agreement before heading into the opposing rooms.

They had barely walked in the room when two identical cries rang out. "I want a lawyer."

"So much for that attempt." Munch dryly muttered, shutting the door behind him as Fin did the same.


	34. Chapter 34

**A/N: Enjoy!**

* * *

Cragen let out a weary sigh and a look of resignation crossed his face.

"Call Olivia. Tell her we need her to come in for a line up if she's feeling up to it." Cragen turned back towards the interrogation room windows. "Get them their lawyers and make sure everything is done by the book." A grim look came over him. "I want this case to be airtight."

* * *

"Okay, we'll be there." Elliot disconnected the call and laid the receiver next to him, not yet ready to get off of the floor. Beside him Olivia had her knees drawn up to her chest with her arms wrapped around them. She didn't look at Elliot, but she seemed more present than before.

"Olivia," He began, but she cut him off.

"I know." Despite her trance it appeared she had heard every word.

Elliot felt a small rush of relief, grateful that he wouldn't have to repeat what Fin had told him. Instead he went on to the next step.

"We don't have to do this now Liv. If you need more time, we can wait." Elliot offered, doing his best to placate Olivia. The last thing he wanted was to upset her when she had been starting to do better.

"I'm okay Elliot," was the soft reply. Olivia frowned and a determined look steeled her features as she struggled to pull herself off the floor, brushing off Elliot's attempts to help. She cleared her throat and spoke a little louder. "I can handle this."

* * *

The ride to the precinct was uneasy. Elliot had resorted to keeping his eyes on the road and his hands firmly locked on the wheel after all earlier attempts at talking with Olivia had failed. Meanwhile, Olivia kept her gaze out the passenger window as she fidgeted with the seatbelt. The closer they came the more anxious she felt.

Olivia wished she had taken Elliot up on his offer to wait a while longer. She almost told him to turn around and take her back. She didn't want to do this anymore, she wasn't ready. She didn't know what scared her more, seeing her attackers again or having to deal with her coworkers pitied looks.

Olivia rested her head against the glass, trying to ignore what she already knew. It didn't matter whether she went now or later. She would never be ready so she may as well get it over with.

The car slowed to a stop in the back parking lot of the stationhouse. Elliot pulled the keys out of the ignition, but neither of them made a move to exit the vehicle.

"Olivia." At his voice Olivia immediately began fumbling with her seatbelt, not wanting to hear Elliot's sympathy. She just wanted to get this over with.

"Liv wait," he reached out for her wrist wanting her to hear what he had to say. She flinched and Elliot immediately released her, mentally kicking himself. Irritation surged in Olivia and she rounded on Elliot to cover up her embarrassment at her reaction to an innocent gesture. "What, Elliot?" she hissed.

He looked her in the eye and spoke evenly. "Whenever you're ready to leave Olivia, we'll go."

Surprise flittered across Olivia's face. She had expected Elliot to coddle her and insist she needed more time. Instead he was trusting her to know her limits. Elliot seemed to register her shock and he elaborated.

"I know you can do this Olivia. I never thought you couldn't. But you don't have anything to prove. Everyone knows you're tough and no one would think any less of you if didn't do this. You know I want those bastards to go down, but you're more important. Whatever you feel comfortable with is fine with me. If you want to do this, okay. But if you don't want to face them, I'll take you home right now. You come first. I mean it."

Olivia blinked, caught off guard by Elliot's words and touched by the sincerity in his voice.

She swallowed and a shaky smile came to her face. "Thank you Elliot, but I'll be okay." Olivia opened the car door. "I need to do this."

Apprehension settled deeper in her gut with each ascending floor. The elevator felt cramped despite it being just the two of them. Elliot held back the urge to place his arm around her shoulders knowing she would brush off any contact. He knew she needed to show the rest of the squad that she was okay on her own, that they didn't need to walk on eggshells around her.

Finally the elevator stopped and the doors opened to their floor. Olivia stepped out first and paused momentarily. The hallway was unusually devoid of people and it gave off a troubling vibe. Olivia walked down the familiar corridor, Elliot close at her heels. The sensations that swept over Olivia the closer she got were unsettling. She was accustomed to the precinct feeling like a second home, never before had she felt unsafe there.

Olivia slowed her pace and took a deep breath. _They can't hurt you here; you're in control now._ Bracing herself, Olivia opened the door to the squad room, and the room fell silent.

Cragen, Munch, and Fin were gathered around Munch's desk speaking in hushed tones. The conversation ceased at the sound of the door, and they broke apart when Olivia walked in. All eyes were on her, and she felt scrutinized under their gaze. She forced herself not to show her discomfort.

Olivia straightened her posture walked over to where they stood, preparing herself for their scrutiny. However, the look in their eyes stalled her. She didn't see pity, instead compassion and understanding radiated from her squad. Olivia realized two seconds in that there was no point in pretending. They already knew what happened. Elliot had been right, she didn't need to put on a show for them. Still, her nerves didn't completely fade away.

The men before her were her friends, but in this moment they were more than that. They were there because this was their case and she was their victim.


	35. Chapter 35

**A/N: Thanks for reading and reviewing!**

* * *

"Olivia," Cragen spoke, breaking the uncomfortable silence that had begun to settle. An indistinguishable look passed over him, and his shoulders sagged. Cragen ventured closer and decided to break professionalism, giving up the charade that any of this was typical. "How are you holding up Olivia?" He asked, looking at her with a concern that went beyond professional relations.

The question seemed to be the right one as Olivia let out the breath she didn't realize she had been holding, letting her façade drop as well. "I've been better," she admitted, glancing downward. Feeling uneasy at her admission Olivia looked back up at Cragen.

"Are you ready for me to do the lineup now?"

"Let 'em sweat," Fin cut in, "They aren't going anywhere. Novak's on her way. Whenever you're ready Liv."

A hint of a smile appeared on her face at Fin's protectiveness. "Thanks Fin, but I'll be ok," she added, "I want to do this now." Before she could lose her nerve, Olivia headed towards the hallway, leaving Fin, Munch, and Cragen to trail behind in her wake.

Elliot hung back, wishing he could go with her but knowing he couldn't due to having his own charges against them. He idly milled around the bullpen, absentmindedly flipping through the files on his desk. The longer he waited the harder it was to resist the urge to join Olivia. Knowing the repercussions he would face, Elliot opted to further distance himself and headed for the cribs instead. He took the stairs two at a time, too focused on his destination to pay attention to his surroundings.

 _Thwack!_

Elliot stumbled backwards, catching himself on the railing with one hand and instinctively grabbing at the lapel of the person he collided with, breaking his fall. The man fell to the ground with a soft cry, and papers from the file his nose had been buried in fluttered down around them.

Elliot bent down, apologies on the tip of his tongue and found himself looking into the dazed eyes of one George Huang.

"Elliot. Just the man I wanted to run into," Huang frowned, "although not literally." Sheepishly Elliot helped the diminutive doctor to his feet and crouched back down to gather his papers.

"Huang, what brings you here?" Elliot questioned. It wasn't often that Huang came around, usually only when they were really stumped.

'I was consulting on a case," Huang seamlessly informed the man, adjusting his grip on the folder. A solemn look slowly appeared on the doctor's face. "How are you doing Elliot?"

The question took Elliot by surprise. It wasn't an unusual inquiry, but something about the doctor's tone unsettled him. Elliot narrowed his eyes, suddenly suspicious of the file in Huang's hand. A seed of worry began to grow in his gut.

"Which case?" Elliot brusquely fired back, blatantly ignoring Huang's question.

Huang picked up on Elliot's agitation, and correctly surmised its cause. He tried to diffuse the tension. "Robbery needed assistance with a profile. I only stopped by to say hello on the off chance that any of you were around. No one here called me." Huang realized his mistake a moment too late.

"Called you?" Elliot demanded, his brows furrowing. Huang's words set him even more on edge. "So you know what happened-about Olivia?" Elliot tentatively probed, desperately wishing Huang would be clueless. Instead a sad smile appeared on Huang's face. "Word gets around."

Elliot felt his face heat up, and his fingers curled into loose fists at his side. He snarled at Huang.

"So that's it is it? The whole damn story gets out and you leap at the chance to play shrink!?" Elliot was seething. It was bad enough that someone had leaked the news about Olivia, but now he had to deal with the department forcing therapy down their throats before they'd even had a chance to breathe.

Elliot tried to curb his temper- not wanting to attract attention- but his words were still laced with venom. "You're wasting your time. I haven't even asked to come back to work yet, and neither has Liv. Your evaluative services will not be needed." He finished with a sneer.

The words had no effect on Huang. He remained as unfazed as ever, and looked as though he had anticipated this. Instead of backing away as most people did when Elliot's temper flared, he moved closer.

"I'm not here as a shrink Elliot. I'm here as a friend. I know these last few days everyone has been worried about Olivia which is certainly understandable, but you were there as well." Huang paused, seeing Elliot tense, before pushing on.

"Has anyone asked how you are?

It was such a simple question, yet it set off a whirlwind inside of Elliot. In truth, no one aside from Kathy had expressed much concern for him. Which was the way he thought it should be. _I don't deserve their sympathy because I'm not the victim_.

"No they haven't because they don't need to. Olivia was the one who was-, who got hurt," Elliot backpedaled, looking down at Huang.

"Elliot," Huang said patiently, "I know you don't want to accept it, but you are just as much a victim as Olivia. You were held at gunpoint, and forced to watch your partner being raped." Huang saw Elliot flinch, and he skipped to his final thought before the man walked away.

"I think you should talk to someone. It doesn't have to be me," Huang hurriedly added at the look of displeasure that came across Elliot's face. "If I may, I have a few suggestions." Huang reached into his jacket and pulled out a list of names of therapists that he had tucked into pocket on the off chance that he ran into Elliot or Olivia.

Huang handed the paper to Elliot who reluctantly took it. "I'm here if you ever want to talk," was Huang's final comment before he maneuvered around Elliot and down the rest of the stairs. He was halfway out the door before Elliot regained his bearings. He looked at the slip of paper in his hand scrawled with the doctor's unusually neat handwriting. Elliot walked to the nearest trashcan, but at the last moment he crumpled the paper and stuck it in his pocket.


	36. Chapter 36

**A/N: I apologize if any of the legal terminology is incorrect. Thanks for reading!**

* * *

"I suggest you start talking." Fin stared down the man before him, but the man didn't flinch. The stocky man sat silently next to his lawyer with a bored expression on his face as though he had been through this before.

"That's fine," Fin said changing topics, "You don't have to say a word. The victim-" Fin frowned at the word, "Already identified you and we got evidence, namely unknown fingerprints all over the crime scene. What do you wanna bet your prints will be a perfect match?"

This news spurned a reaction and the man turned towards his lawyer-a shabbily dressed middle aged man with an air of sleaze around him, who scowled at the information Fin had given him. "I need a moment with my client," the lawyer barked, displeasure apparent on his face.

Across the hall, Munch was having similar fortune. Ben sat before him looking more like a scared kid than the ruthless man Munch knew him to be. His attorney was not much better. An overeager young man who seemed a more like a graduate of Jr. High than law school sat clutching his briefcase. Munch noted with annoyance, that the man also had difficulty sitting still.

"Just what exactly is my client being charged with?" The lawyer jumped to his feet the moment Munch entered the room, clearly ready to put all his newly learned skills to use.

"Burglary, Accessory to a crime, Rape, Criminal Threats, Aggravated assault, and Attempted murder of a police officer, just to name a few," Munch replied dryly, crossing his arms to match the lawyer's stance.

The lawyer's eyes widened and he quickly glanced at his client. This was clearly a lot more severe than he had expected for his first case. His fidgeting increased and he subconsciously placed a little more distance between himself and Ben, electing to stand rather than take the seat next to his client. The lawyer fumbled with his briefcase atop the table and shuffled through a few papers before shutting the lid. The lawyer's voice shook. "In light of these recent allegations, I would like a moment to confer with my client," he squeaked.

Munch only raised his eyebrow before walking out of the room leaving the young lawyer to sweat.

* * *

30 minutes later Casey waked out of the interrogation room with a satisfied smirk on her face. With the amount of evidence piled up against them, the younger man had practically jumped at the plea deal at the insistence of his lawyer while the other man grudgingly accepted it. Still, Casey couldn't care less about their attitudes. The point was that there would be no need for a trial. Victoriously swinging her briefcase, Casey set off to find Olivia and tell her the news.

Olivia sat on the stiff mattress with her arms wrapped around a pillow. She snuggled further into the blanket Fin had brought her as she tried to wrap her mind around the prior events. The lineup itself was unusual. It had been odd being on that side. Normally she was the one encouraging victims to take their time and reassuring them that they did fine. Instead Fin had stood beside her and offered his silent comfort.

She wasn't prepared to see them although all the preparation in the world wouldn't have made her ready. There was something deeply unsettling about seeing the men who raped her and having her team in the same room. It was too much.

She wanted Elliot, and she wanted to go home, but at the same time all she wanted was to stay right where she was and be left alone. At that moment, the door opened and her decision was made for her.

"Hey Liv, you alright?" Fin hovered by the door gauging her reaction to his presence. Olivia didn't startle so he stepped into the room, lightly shutting the door behind him. He made his way over to where she was and Olivia sat up straighter and hastily loosened her protective grip on the blanket trying to appear at ease.

"Yeah, I'm fine." Olivia covered her mouth as a yawn slipped out. "Just a little tired, I didn't sleep well-" Olivia blinked and abruptly trailed off. She hadn't meant to mention that, knowing what Fin would infer. She glanced away, waiting for him to ask about her nightmares, but he didn't.

"Olivia, look at me," Fin took a seat on the bunk in front of her. He waited until he had her attention then continued. "I know you're strong; you don't ever have to act tough for me or for anyone. I know you wanna be but you're not Wonder Woman, you're allowed to feel hurt."

Olivia nodded, taking his words to heart. "I know Fin, I just-I want to feel like me again," she admitted, folding her hands in her lap.

"You will Liv. You know I'm here if you ever want to talk. Besides, I miss having you around. There's no one to intercept when Munch goes off on one of his tangents." His comment got a laugh out of her and Fin smiled.

"I don't know about you, but I've never been able to get a decent rest on these hard mattresses. You want me to find Elliot so you can go home?" The thought of sleeping in her own room made her feel sick, but she kept her face neutral.

"Sure Fin, that would be great. Thanks."

"Of course Baby Girl," Fin reached over and pulled the blanket back around her shoulders before walking out of the room.

Hardly a minute had passed before there was a knock at the door.

"Come in," Olivia called, expecting to see Elliot. Instead a familiar shock of red hair peeked through the doorway.

"Casey, I didn't know you were here." The lawyer's presence temporarily confused Olivia until she realized why she was here. "But I mean I guess you would be because of—but I guess I just thought," Olivia stammered. Fortunately Casey understood what Olivia was trying to say.

"You thought someone else would try your case." Now it was Casey's turn to be tongue-tied. "I'm sorry I thought that you would want- but I shouldn't have assumed. I can get someone else to."

"No, no it's fine." Olivia interrupted, "I just wasn't really thinking about the trial at all much less who would be involved."

Setting her briefcase on the floor, Casey assumed Fin's empty spot. "That's actually what I wanted to talk to you about. There may not be a trial."


	37. Chapter 37

**A/N: Enjoy!**

* * *

Olivia could have sworn her heart stopped. She tried to comprehend what Casey had said, but nothing made sense. A million thoughts swirled through her head. _Did I identify the wrong men, did they have airtight alibis, was the evidence contaminated_? A final thought haunted her. _Are my rapists going to walk free_?"

Casey caught on to her silent panic and nearly tripped over herself trying to explain.

"Nononono, shit! I'm sorry, that's not what I meant. Those bastards are going away for a long time, I promise," Casey said with conviction. "There isn't a jury in the world that wouldn't find them guilty, which is why I offered them a deal." Casey paused, then added, "But if you'd rather go to court, I can take it off the table."

Olivia sat stunned, she hadn't considered the possibility of a plea. She thought for sure that their arrogance would insist on a trial. Trials could drag on for months. There would be reporters and weeks of preparation, and the added stress of people prying into her personal life. But this could all be over now. Relief began to bubble inside Olivia.

"What are the terms?" Olivia questioned, half fearing it would be the minimal sentence.

"If they went to court and lost-which they would-they could easily be facing upwards of 50 years. I offered them 30 to life with no possibility of early parole as well as registering as sex offenders. Is that okay with you?"

Olivia was speechless, but at Casey's questioning gaze she forced herself to speak.

"It's more than okay Casey. They're going away and I don't have to testify. I don't know what to say."

"You don't have to say anything Liv. Just doing my job." Casey tilted her head downwards. "I wish I could do more."

Olivia placed her hands on Casey's shoulders and waited until she looked up. "Believe me Casey, you've done plenty," sincerity coming through her voice.

The words had their intended effect and Casey again resembled her usual resolute countenance. The two women sat quietly for a while until the silence began to feel strained.

"I should probably get going. If I hurry I can make it to the courthouse and get started on filing the paperwork." Casey swept her briefcase off the floor and rose to her feet. "Take care Liv. I'm always here if you need anything."

Olivia nodded and with the click of the door, Olivia was alone again.

* * *

The last few days had been hell on everyone and though he'd never admit it, Munch had doubted whether or not they would catch the bastards. They were out of leads and had the receptionist not been suspicious, the men likely could have gotten away with their crimes.

Munch had never felt so satisfied at seeing a perp admit guilt, and he strongly suspected Cragen felt the same. They watched Casey's negotiations through the windows with perverse enjoyment while Fin had gone to tend to Olivia.

Time passed slowly until Casey triumphantly returned. After a quick trip to the hospital, she had managed to get all of them-including their bedridden leader-to cop to a plea. The knowledge that there would be no need for a trial filled the entire squad with relief.

Cragen and Munch filtered into Cragen's office, and the door creaked shut behind them. They took seats on opposing sides of Cragen's desk and prepared for the task before them. They were one step closer to putting it all behind them, yet they knew that things would never be the same again. Still, it was a step in the right direction. Cragen and Munch each reached for a yellow pad of papers that were scrawled with the men's confessions. Cragen rested his elbows on the desk while Munch adjusted his glasses as they both prepared to read over their statements and confirm that it matched Olivia and Elliot's account.

A few minutes in they stopped reading, and it became clear by the identical expressions of surprise that they had reached the same point. The papers fluttered innocuously back onto the desk, but the men remained stunned. It had never occurred to either of them that the cases were connected.

Neither man moved until Cragen abruptly sat up and ruffled through the papers until he produced the third confession. A quick skim of its contents confirmed what they already realized.

This was an act of revenge.

The revelation completely ripped apart their prior speculations. Their initial theory had been that the men had fixated on Olivia after seeing her at the coffee shop. However, it quickly became apparent that theory was flawed when Munch pointed out that Elliot and Olivia had gone straight back to the station following that stop. The men wouldn't have had a chance to follow her home.

That was when Fin suggested the stalker theory. Perhaps one of them had been following her for quite some time and her chance appearance at the shop was what spurred them to act that night. Even before they finished formulating the idea, they knew it was a longshot. Still it was the only feasible conclusion they could come to, until now.

Olivia's encounter with Ben and Jim at the coffeeshop truly had been a coincidence. It had no bearing on what happened that night. The plot was already long set in motion.

Abruptly Cragen slung the notepad off the desk, catching a glass paperweight on the way down and taking pleasure in the sound of breaking glass.

"Don, we had no way of knowing."

"No way?!" Cragen exploded, rising to his feet and angrily pacing the room. "Damnit it John, we had him. We should have dug through his history, his finances, we should have questioned every person he ever talked to. The bastard already assaulted her once, and we just let him walk!"

"There was no need to." Munch patiently explained, trying to soothe the Captain "We already had him for the rapes, our job was done.

"We obviously didn't do it well enough." Cragen retorted, not backing down, "We never even questioned how he was finding those girls."

At this Munch had nothing to say.


	38. Chapter 38

**A/N: Thanks for reading and reviewing!**

* * *

The words of the statements swirled together in their minds, and painted a cohesive picture. As it turns out James Milner and Jim Hoffstepper were childhood friends. Both of them had lengthy rap sheets, but all their crimes had been committed as minors. Jim now managed several apartment buildings, but he was still attached to his old ways. A few weeks ago James came to him for a favor. He wanted to know when a young, new to the city girl moved in; Jim readily complied. However, after James' arrest, he sought out Jim for another favor: revenge against the person he blamed for his arrest, Olivia. Jim agreed, partly out of loyalty but mostly for his own sick enjoyment. A search of Jim's records turned out in their favor, Olivia lived in one of his recruited his equally crooked friends and the plan was set.

"Milner is going to pay," Cragen gritted, "That bastard is never getting out."

"Absolutely." Munch vehemently agreed.

Still silence quickly fell over them again, because both knew the consequences didn't matter. The damage had already been done.

"At least now we know why." Munch finally dared to break the silence. Cragen solemnly nodded as his eyes flickered to the bottom drawer of his desk. After a bit of hesitation, he bent to retrieve the object inside.

In the stillness of his office, Cragen and Munch rested with their backs against the soft leather couch that sat alongside the wall. An untouched bottle of scotch stood enticingly on the desk, but neither of them had the strength to open it. The revelations of the last few hours had caught up to them, and left them feeling drained. The sun had only just begun to set, but they were more than ready to crawl into bed and forget all that the day had brought.

* * *

Fin kept silent for a moment unsure of how to approach the man before of him. Elliot stood motionless on the roof with his hands clasped behind his neck. He gave no sign that he had even noticed Fin's presence.

Cautiously Fin approached him, "Hey Elliot, you okay?" The words came out haltingly. Regarding the man with concern was an unfamiliar act; normally their conversations were perfunctory or tense. Still, that was all in the past now. The rules had changed and they were all struggling to find their new normal.

Fin tried again, this time trying to supply some good news. "They confessed, there won't be a trial."

"I know, Casey told me." Elliot's words were flat although he did turn to face Fin. He regarded the man with an inscrutable look before letting out a deep sigh and sinking to the ground.

"So what happens now?" His voice was raspy, and his eyes had a glossy sheen. Fin's eyes held an unasked question, but Elliot continued. "It's over, so where do we go from here?"

At once Fin understood, the realization hitting him like a hard punch to the gut. In the days since the attack, there hadn't been a moment's rest. Between the hospital stay and the time spent anticipating the arrest, they were spared from having to cope with what had happened. Now that time was over.

Elliot almost regretted his words the moment he spoke. It was a well-known fact that Elliot Stabler did not freely express any emotion aside from rage. To confess that he wasn't okay was a rare moment of vulnerability; a side he hid from everyone. But he trusted Fin.

Admittingly he may not have always liked the man or agreed with him, but he did admire him; although he would never tell him that. Fin was straightforward, but he could keep a secret. Elliot knew Olivia had trusted him with secrets, especially after Sealview. The fact that Fin had never told-even after Elliot had cornered him one night and questioned him at length-had been enough to earn his respect.

Fin regarded the quiet desperation in Elliot's eyes, but he had no reply. He knew that there wasn't a suitable answer. Instead, he slid down next to Elliot, and they sat in mutual silence staring at the sky.

* * *

It was evening when they finally returned. They half stumbled through the door, both of them drained by the day's events. Olivia set the takeout on the table while Elliot tossed the duffel bags on the floor. Knowing that it would be a while before they were cleared for duty they had taken the liberty of grabbing a few items from their lockers. Olivia went to the fridge and came back sliding onto the carpet next to Elliot and setting 2 beers down in front of them.

They ate slowly, the noise of the television filling the silence that their conversation left. Their cartons were long empty before either of them dared to make a sound. Finally Olivia broke the silence.

"Thanks for dinner El, and for driving me home." Olivia grabbed their empty conntainers and slowly rose before heading to the kitchen, suddenly wanting to distance herself from Elliot. "But, it is getting late." She looked down as she spoke, fiddling with the sink, not wanting to see his reaction.

Mentally Elliot cursed. This was the part he had been dreading. He knew it was coming, but that didn't make it any easier to bear. She was kicking him out. It had only been a day, but his time was up. _The men are in jail; there's no reason for me to stay with Olivia anymore._ But he wanted to. Elliot knew Kathy would understand if he stayed a little longer, but how much longer, because he never wanted to leave.

Olivia desperately wanted to take back her words. She didn't mean them; she wanted Elliot to stay. But she knew he couldn't. It was over. It was still difficult to wrap her mind around the fact that the men responsible for the event that had plagued her for days had been convicted. It seemed too simple, she had expected them to claim innocence and spend her upcoming days agonizing over a trial, or worse; she feared that they would never be caught.

But they had been and now there was nothing left to do except heal. Her life had been irreparably altered, but she wanted things to go back to the way they were and for that to happen, Elliot had to go. He had been emotionally closer to her in the last few days than he had throughout their years of being partners. _I don't want Elliot to go, but I need to learn to get by without him._


	39. Chapter 39

**A/N: Enjoy!**

* * *

"El." "Liv" Their voices overlapped but Elliot recovered first, determined to stave off his eviction.

"Olivia, it's been a long day. You must be tired, I know I am." Elliot indicated his head towards the sofa which was still pulled out. "What do you say we go to sleep?

Elliot did his best to keep a neutral face praying Olivia wouldn't see his panic at the prospect of being sent home.

Olivia hesitated for only a moment, the dishtowel clutched in her grip as she quickly mulled it over.

"Okay," she relented, secretly grateful that Elliot was as reluctant to leave as she was to have him go.

"I'm going to take a shower first." Olivia announced, grabbing her bag off the floor and ducking into the bathroom before Elliot had a chance to respond. Olivia shut the door and rested her head against it in relief. She had been craving a shower ever since the lineup. She had victims tell her it felt like their skin was crawling after seeing their rapists again, but she never knew how visceral that feeling was until now.

Olivia turned on the shower as far as it would go and stepped back to let it warm up. She grasped the hem of her shirt and stared in the mirror as she slowly lifted it up. She bit back a gasp at her reflection.

The few inches of skin she had uncovered were a mottled mass of deep purple bruises with hints of green. Amid the discoloration there was a small healing scar near her naval marking her operation. Olivia dropped her shirt in disgust, hating the visual reminder of what had been done to her. Turning her back on the mirror, Olivia stripped off the rest of her clothes stepped into the shower. The water stung but she forced herself to stay under the scalding spray. Reaching for her loofah, Olivia poured on a generous amount of soap and proceeded to scrub her already damaged skin.

Elliot straightened up having just remade the linen on the couch-a fruitless task considering they were going to sleep on in momentarily. His eyes roamed around the room looking for something else to do. He had already finished washing the dishes, put them away and now he was at a loss. His search came up empty so Elliot settled for pacing around the room once more. His eyes fixated on the bathroom door after his third rotation.

It was nearing three quarters of an hour since Olivia had entered the bathroom. He debated if he should check on her, but he didn't want to disturb her privacy. God knows she had hardly had any since that night. A few more minutes ticked by before Elliot's concern outweighed his patience.

Just as Elliot was about to knock, the shower shut off. He hastily retreated from the door, not wanting Olivia to know how concerned he had been.

Olivia pulled back the curtain and a cloud of steam floated out. She toweled off quickly. She realized she had been in the shower for longer than intended, and knew Elliot would be getting worried. Olivia reached inside her duffel bag, pulling out a light gray sweatshirt and matching pants.

The fabric was irritating on her raw skin, but she was grateful the long sleeves hid the redness she had inflicted. Olivia took one last lingering look in the mirror. Her limp, damp hair only illuminated the dark circles beneath her eyes, and her pale skin clashed with the fading bruises. Averting her gaze, Olivia flung open the door and peered out at Elliot who was casually resting on the sofa, apparently engrossed in what was on TV.

She cleared her throat, suddenly extremely conscious of the fact that he had been waiting for her. "Um, bathroom's open if you wanted to shower." Olivia stammered. An apology rested on her tongue but his nonplussed demeanor restrained her.

"Sure Liv, just let me catch the end of this first." He murmured without taking his eyes off the screen.

Curious, Olivia edged closer and a look of incredulity crossed her face.

"Really Elliot? Iron Chef America?"

"What? It's a good show," he defended.

"If you say so. I just never pegged you as the type to watch cooking shows." Olivia remarked while going to hang up her towel.

"This is more than just a _cooking show_ Olivia, it's a culinary duel of wits and skill," Elliot stressed to her retreating form.

Olivia merely grinned as she took a seat next to him. They watched the remaining few minutes until the credits began to roll. Elliot took that as his cue to rise. Hoisting his own bag, he headed to the bathroom. "You don't have to wait up for me," he called before closing the door.

Olivia scooted down farther on the couch, grabbing a pillow to prop herself up. She intended to wait for Elliot, but she couldn't resist the urge to get more comfortable.

A little while later Elliot walked out of the bathroom feeling refreshed. He glanced over at the couch and was unsurprised to see Olivia fast asleep. He hung up his towel next to hers and carefully made his way over to the sofa. From a distance she looked peaceful. She was curled on her side with her injured wrist propped up on a spare pillow. As he drew closer he noticed that her body was tense and her face bore a scowl.

Olivia didn't stir when Elliot eased himself down next to her. Elliot wrestled with himself over his next move. He didn't want to startle her, but he couldn't bear to see her so uncomfortable. Going with his gut, Elliot loosely draped his arm over Olivia's abdomen, mindful of her injuries, and gently pulled her closer to him. To his delight, she didn't wake. Instead her face relaxed and her body followed suit. Satisfied, Elliot closed his eyes and let sleep overtake him. In the stillness of the night, they fell asleep together one last time.

Daylight came too soon. The vibrant golden rays streaming through the window served only as a reminder that their time together had come to an end. Elliot had awoken first and promptly glared at the light that threatened to disturb their peace. The night had passed uneventfully. His dreams were unpleasant, but they hadn't woken him. Olivia still rested soundly in his arms as she had all night.

Elliot pulled up the duvet and tried to block the sunlight that was now shining on their faces. His efforts had the unintended effect of rousing Olivia. She emitted a small noise of annoyance and batted at the cover.

"Shh Olivia, go back to sleep." Elliot whispered. She didn't. Instead she sat up and ran her hand through her tangled hair.

"What time is it?" she muttered, still half asleep.

Elliot peered at the clock on the stove.

"It's 11:40."

"11:40?!" Olivia leaned forward to check for herself.

"I never sleep that long." She was astonished at having slept for over 12 hours. Even if she tried, she never managed to sleep for longer than 9.

Elliot chuckled at her astonished reaction. "You needed the rest Olivia, we both did."


	40. Chapter 40

**A/N: Thanks for reading/reviewing!**

* * *

"Yeah, I guess. But I feel like I've wasted half the day."

Olivia started to rise to her feet until a thought struck her. "Then again it's not like I had anything to do anyway." The mood turned somber again. As a self-proclaimed and proud workaholic, Olivia was not accustomed to having entire free days. Even on her days off she still managed to sneak in something work related.

Elliot understood Olivia's dilemma. Although he typically enjoyed his off days and looked forward to spending them with his family, this was a different feeling. The knowledge that he _couldn't_ work even if he wanted to was hard to accept. Munch and Fin were handling all their unfinished cases, and he knew Cragen would send them both home if they dared set foot in the squadroom without being cleared.

"How about I make you breakfast?" Elliot offered, in an attempt to lift her spirits. "Lizzie always says the day doesn't really start until you have breakfast."

The mention of his daughter triggered a frantic thought.

"Elliot don't you need to call home?! Your family must be worried."

Elliot remained unfazed, "No, it's fine Liv. I texted Kathy last night."

Olivia waited for Elliot to elaborate, but he fell silent. Sensing that the conversation was over, Olivia reverted to the initial topic.

"Breakfast El?" Olivia frowned, "It's almost lunch.

"Even better, we'll have brunch." He replied undeterred, already heading for the kitchen.

Resignedly, Olivia followed him.

They dined on a surprisingly well-prepared meal of French toast and omelets. _Perhaps those cooking shows are useful,_ Olivia mused.

When they were finished, Elliot again insisted on doing the dishes.

"Elliot you don't have to do that." Olivia protested, crossing her arms.

Elliot gestured at her splint, "You're still injured Liv."

"It's just a sprain Elliot, it'll heal soon enough." She retorted, "I can still do things for myself, or were you planning on doing my chores every day?"

Elliot didn't respond. Although by increased focus he attended to the dishes, she knew that was exactly what he intended.

Olivia narrowed her eyes, feeling rage bubble up inside her. She was tired of everyone handling her with kid gloves, and she hated herself for needing that treatment.

"Stop treating me like an invalid! I'm not sick, I was raped." Her outburst shocked them both into silence. Elliot stopped his meticulous cleaning and looked up at her with a wounded look in his eyes.

Deep down she knew her anger was displaced, but right now she didn't care. This arrangement was only temporary anyway. Eventually Elliot would go back to his family so better now than later. _The sooner he's gone, the sooner I can stop leaning on him._

"I know Liv," Elliot whispered. His throat felt like sandpaper, the memories that barraged him made him nauseous. He never needed to be reminded of that day, of how he'd failed her when she needed him most.

Olivia saw the change that came over him and instantly felt bad. She tried to apologize.

"I'm sorry El, I didn't mean-" Olivia took a deep breath, forcing herself to say the words that didn't want to come. "I just need some space right now."

Elliot's face fell a little, but he tried not to let it show.

"Of course Liv, I understand."

He let the dishtowel slip into the sink as he moved to collect his bag and jacket. She walked him to the door. He had one foot over the threshold when he turned around so suddenly Olivia jumped, both from his movement and the intensity in his eyes.

"I'll go, but you call me anytime." Elliot leaned closer and a slight chill ran through Olivia at his proximity. His voice dropped an octave, "I mean it Olivia," he rasped, "Anytime."

Olivia could only nod, a lump in her throat making it hard to talk. This sincerity in his tone was overwhelming.

Elliot spared one last glance at her, and then he was gone.

Olivia shut the door slowly, the click resonating in her ears. For the first time since the attack, she was completely alone. There wasn't anyone coming to check up on her, no one milling about in the next room. The silence unnerved her and Olivia ambled around restlessly.

She ran her hands through her hair, feeling her fingers slide through the short strands and absently scratched at her skin. Olivia could feel her skin beginning to crawl, and she tried to stave off the feeling. Eventually irrational thought overrode her senses and she all but ran to the bathroom, shutting the door and turning on the shower full blast.

A while later Olivia emerged, droplets of water still dripping from her towel-clad body. Olivia surveyed her apartment-the unmade couch, the unwashed dishes, and the unopened door-it all felt wrong. This was her home but for the past two days she had been living like a visitor.

Determination and fury swept through her and she marched towards her bedroom. She was wrong, she was sick: sick of jumping at every sound, sick of seeing their faces, and sick of being afraid of her own home.

Olivia stared at the innocuous door, the cause of her trepidation, and felt irritated at herself for being afraid. CSU had already been here. Any evidence of what had transpired was long gone. She knew this, but she still couldn't shake the fear that _they_ would be there, lying in wait. Cursing aloud Olivia gripped the doorknob, fully intending to swing open the door and get it over with.

 _Shut up and get in the bedroom. You're going to pay for that bitch. Who's next? Get on your knees._

The memories hit her hard and fast, all blurring together. Olivia stumbled away from the door, clutching her head and breathing heavily. Instinctively her hand flew to her hip until she belatedly remembered that her gun was in still in evidence. Olivia fell just short of the couch, crumpling to the floor. She drew up her knees, and placed her head in her hands. Tears leaked out against her will, wetting her palms.

Olivia reached a trembling hand for her phone and started to dial a familiar number, but she paused midway through. Cancelling the call, Olivia leaned her head against the sofa. She wouldn't call Elliot. It hadn't even been an hour since he left. He had probably just made it home. She wasn't going to tear him away from his family after she had all but thrown him out. Olivia knew Elliot would forgive her for calling, hell he was probably hoping she would. The thought tempted her once more, but Olivia slid the phone away from her. She could and would handle this on her own.


	41. Chapter 41

**A/N: Enjoy!**

* * *

After taking a few more minutes to compose herself, Olivia picked herself off the floor. She meandered to the window and drew back the curtain. The midday light cheerfully greeted her and the commotion of the city beckoned to her. Maybe fresh air was what she needed.

She had been cooped up inside for days with brief car rides as her only excursion. She wouldn't go far, just to the bodega on the corner. Olivia glanced over at her discarded sweats and debated if she should wear something different. The notion was quickly dismissed as she recalled that accessing her closet was currently not an option.

Olivia slipped on her shoes and grabbed her keys, wallet, and phone. Before she could change her mind, she opened the door and stepped outside her apartment for the first time unassisted in days.

* * *

The car creaked and groaned as it settled, but Elliot remained seated. He had pulled into his driveway a few minutes ago, yet he had no urge to go inside. His thoughts were with Olivia. He knew she was right to push him out. Were it up to him, he would still be there. He would have stayed with her for as long as she needed him. _No_ , Elliot corrected himself. He would have stayed for as long as _he_ needed her; and that would have been forever.

Elliot roughly scrubbed his hand over his face. He had taken one step forward and a hundred steps back. He was supposed to be distancing himself from her, reverting back to the days of their early partnership; when they were only friends. _But with everything that's happened_ , Elliot reasoned, _it's only natural that I should spend time with her._

Elliot frowned, even as he thought it he knew it was a lie. He could blame his desire to spend time with Olivia because of what had happened, but truthfully he'd use any excuse to be near her.

Elliot leaned back in his seat as realization dawned. He couldn't stand to be apart from her because he never stopped loving her; that was the problem.

* * *

Olivia let the door slam shut behind her. She immediately locked the door and the deadbolt before dropping her purchase on the counter. Making a beeline for the bathroom, she turned on the shower. While she waited for the water to heat, Olivia peered at her reflection. Her bruises were still prominent against her skin, and she cursed herself for not checking before she went out.

Between the bruises on her face and neck, splinted wrist, and slow gait it was easy to surmise what happened to her. She felt self-conscious at the looks she was receiving and tried to make her trip as short as possible, but she wasn't fast enough. Olivia saw the lady in the store furtively watching her, but she paid her no mind. She wrote her off as just another gawker so she was surprised when the lady approached her.

Tugging off her clothes, Olivia stepped into the shower, trying to erase the memory. She knew the lady had meant well when she slipped her a card for a domestic violence shelter and shot her a sympathetic smile, but she still bristled at the attention. Angry tears burned her eyes as she scrubbed her skin. She couldn't even leave her home without being watched. In a city where people came to be anonymous, Olivia never felt more singled out.

* * *

Elliot trudged upstairs utterly exhausted. His entire family was home-a rare occurrence-and he suspected it was mainly due to Kathy. He had done his best to play the dutiful husband and doting father, but his heart was elsewhere. Furthermore he was preoccupied with convincing his family that he was okay.

Lizzie and Dickie accepted it fairly easily, not being fully aware of the situation that had prompted his absence. Eli was petulant over the lack of his father's attention, but hours spent playing outside erased all frustration from the child's mind. However Kathleen and Maureen were more skeptical. The official story he'd urged Kathy to tell was that Olivia had been injured after interrupting a home invasion so Elliot was staying with her. His oldest daughters accepted the story, but they knew he was holding something back. Still, they deigned to let the matter go for now for which he was eternally grateful.

Elliot leaned against the shed while Eli ran to produce yet another toy. Elliot palmed the cellphone in his pocket and debated calling Olivia. She said she needed space but he wouldn't talk long; he just wanted to hear her voice. Before he could make the call, Kathy came alongside him. He expected her to inquire about him, but instead she asked about Olivia. He tried not to let his surprise show and his automatic response was that she was doing much better. That wasn't exactly true, but to say anything else felt like a betrayal.

Apparently it was the right thing to say, judging by the genuine smile that came across Kathy's face. She mentioned something about wanting to cook her something and gave him a gentle hug. Elliot watched her set off to the kitchen and immediately he felt a pang of guilt. Here was his wife selflessly making a meal for the woman he knew she was sometimes jealous of, and he repaid her by wishing he were with her instead.

Elliot did his best to conceal his frustration with himself for constantly thinking about Olivia as his family gathered around the dinner table. The scene before him resembled something out of an idyllic movie. The table was filled with dishes heaped with roasted potatoes, asparagus, steak, and for dessert-banana pudding. Kathy took the seat next to him and served him a generous helping as though this was a normal affair. He knew she had to have been preparing this all day, but she didn't say a word.

Furthermore, the kids were on their best behavior. Gone was the usual ruckus that typically accompanied meal time, instead they were perfectly polite. He knew Kathy had coached them, but the fact that they were staying in character amazed him. Elliot's eyebrows almost went through the roof when Dickie asked Lizzie to "please pass the salt." They acted nonchalant but he knew it was all for his benefit and that knowledge only made him feel worse for his straying thoughts.

The conversation was pleasant, ranging from Lizzie's upcoming piano recital to Kathleen's not so subtle hints at wanting a car. After dinner the twins started to complain about it being their turn to do the dishes, but a stern look from Kathy ended their quarrel. The evening continued in a halcyon state as Elliot watched his family interact.

He wouldn't have it any other way so why wasn't he satisfied.


	42. Chapter 42

**A/N: Thanks for reading, your reviews make my day!  
**

* * *

The rest of the day passed slowly for Olivia. After her botched trip to the store, she banned herself from any treks outside until her injuries healed or she could camouflage them. She settled for doing some light reading, but she kept getting distracted. Now she was half watching some gameshow while lying on the pull out.

Earlier she had thought about folding it back into a couch, but now she was glad she didn't. Based on her reaction from earlier, it was highly unlikely she'd be sleeping in her bed anytime soon. It would be a miracle if she even got through the door.

Olivia forced herself to sit up. She moved slowly, the dizzy feeling from earlier never went away, instead it had gotten worse following her failed attempt at opening her door. Olivia debated heating up dinner. Fortunately Elliot had insisted on doubling their usual takeout order. She had enough for at least the next two days.

Olivia moved to stand but decided against it. Despite not eating since brunch she really wasn't that hungry. She knew she should eat but lying back down seemed like the better option. Olivia switched to laying on her other side, frowning as a strand of wet hair landed in her eye. Hastily she brushed it away. She had taken three showers since Elliot left and exhaustion was the only thing stopping her from taking another.

Olivia absentmindedly rubbed her neck before jerking her hand away. It was red and tender to the touch. Out of frustration she had scrubbed at her bruises and only succeeded in making them worse. Olivia sighed and drew the covers tighter around her. The sun had gone down while she was reclining and Olivia found she didn't care.

She had essentially done nothing all day because there was nothing she had to do. She was still on medical leave and once her doctor cleared her she'd still have to get cleared by Huang- a process she was not looking forward to.

Olivia mused on her own experiences with counselors and detected a slight note of hypocrisy. Despite all the numerous times she had urged victims to go to therapy, she wasn't a strong believer in its effectiveness. After Sealview she had eventually been forced to seek therapy and while it had helped some, at times it felt like more trouble than it was worth.

Olivia jolted upright as a wave of nausea rolled through her. Thinking about her first assault still made her ill.

A self-deprecating laugh slipped out and Olivia reflected on the absurd implausibility that she needed a distinguishing word.

Twice. Twice she had been made a victim. This time markedly more brutal than the first but they still fell under the same umbrella of assault. Olivia couldn't help but notice the parallels. Each time she had reacted the same. She pushed people away, isolated herself, and camped out on the couch-avoiding any memory of her assault.

Abruptly Olivia stood, gripping the couch for balance as she steadied herself. She was tired of the past repeating, of being afraid to live in her own home. Things would be different this time.

Olivia again faced her bedroom door, having reached it in a matter of seconds. Taking a deep breath Olivia squared her shoulders and firmly grasped the handle. A focused glint flared in her eyes as she turned the knob. It twisted easily in her palm and she quickly thrust the door open before fear could cripple her.

The door creaked open and Olivia slowly released the breath she had been holding. It was like it never happened.

Her room was almost exactly as she remembered it, but she still noticed the discrepancies. Her wooden chair was slightly askew-angled towards her bed instead of the window- and small patches of her carpet were a touch lighter than the rest indicating where cleanup had scrubbed the sporadic bloodstains. Other than that it was unchanged.

Olivia took a tentative step forward, crossing over the threshold. She walked across the floor where she had lain and gently ran her hand over her bedspread. Her eyes lingered on the chair where Elliot had sat as she scanned the room. Her lamp was gone and the air was stale with the odor of cleaning supplies, but a smile came to her lips. She had done it, she had conquered one of her demons.

Her victory was short-lived. Moments after going to rearrange the chair, she tasted the acidic burn of bile rising in her throat. Scrambling for the bathroom, Olivia flung herself to her knees over the toilet, vomiting until her stomach was empty. Flashbacks raced through her mind and she rested her head against the seat too weak to even care. Her eyes stung as tears welled up and this time she let them fall.

Olivia remained on the floor until her knees began to ache. All she wanted to do was lie back on the couch. She pushed herself up on trembling arms, grabbing onto the counter to pull herself up. She made it halfway before her strength gave out and she collapsed back to her knees.

Fatigue hit her hard and she could feel her stomach churning again although she had nothing left to lose. Trying to keep from being sick again, Olivia stretched out on the floor. She laid her head against the cool tile and breathed a sigh of relief. Olivia's eyelids were drooping and she let them close. _Just a little longer, then I'll get up_ were her last thoughts before she drifted off to sleep.


	43. Chapter 43

**A/N: Thanks for sticking with me this far. Your thoughts are always appreciated!**

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Long after the sun had set, the house began to wind down. Kathy ushered the kids upstairs and was met with complaints which she silenced. It was then that Elliot remembered it was a school night. Frankly he had lost all track of time, the days didn't seem to matter.

Elliot watched his children trudge upstairs after they all gave him hugs, and he felt like an imposter. They looked on him so fondly because they didn't know. He couldn't bear them to know the truth; that their strong, brave father had been a coward.

Elliot ventured past the closed doors to the bedroom. He didn't even bother to turn on the light. He felt his way to the bed and sat on the edge, resting his head in his hands. Again his mind played back that night and this time he didn't try to stop it. He sat there hating himself more with each passing recollection. His kids didn't know that he had been there during Olivia's attack. Even Kathy didn't know the way he let fear control him.

 _Drop the phone. Come in detective. Have a seat. Now sit back and watch._

Elliot growled in disgust at the memory of his actions or lack thereof. He complied with their demands; he didn't even try to fight until the last moment. A small voice in his head reminded him that there was nothing he could have done without risking Olivia's life, but he ignored it.

Right now he needed to feel guilt. Blaming himself for inaction was an easier pill to swallow than accepting the fact that the situation was always out of his control.

 _Get on your knees. Just kill me._

A different memory floated to the surface and Elliot felt sicker than he had before. After all they had done to her, they wanted one final act of humiliation. She had no choice over what they forced upon her, but this one thing she could control. The last thing she had a say in was her death.

He saw the look in her eyes, she was giving up. He had mentally pled with her not to surrender, but his prayers fell flat. Olivia was prepared to die, until they turned the tables. She didn't do it to save her own life, she did it to save his.

He failed to protect the woman he loved, but she still sacrificed herself for him anyway.

Jumping to his feet, Elliot ran to the bathroom, wrenching up the lid and barely making it to his knees above the toilet. He emptied his dinner and stayed hunched over the bowl dry heaving, fingers clenching the porcelain.

That was how Kathy found him.

"Elliot? Honey are you okay?" Kathy knelt down beside him, rubbing her hand in circles on his back.

"The dinner. It was too much wasn't it. I'm sorry I just wanted to-" She stumbled over her words, trying to apologize for her attempts at normalcy.

"Dinner was wonderful Kathy," Elliot reassured, interrupting her nervous rambling. He propped himself up and cleared his throat.

"I just had a flashback, that's all."

Kathy leaned back on her heels and looked at Elliot. "Do you want to talk about it?"

Elliot instinctively opened his mouth to refuse, but he suddenly stopped himself. Constantly bottling everything up was wearing him thin. He had minutely opened up to Fin, and the temporarily relief that followed surprised him. He glanced at Kathy who was looking at him with nothing but concern and made the decision to confide in her.

"I was right there. I should've done more, but I didn't stop them. I let her get hurt."

Kathy seemed astonished at this. She scooted closer and enveloped his hand in hers. "Elliot, you saved her life."

"I don't know," Elliot drew back, "She's alive, but she isn't okay." Elliot confessed, feeling like a traitor for suggesting she was anything less than fine. "All I can think about is her being home all alone.

"You said they got the men right?" Kathy questioned. "So she isn't in danger. Olivia will be fine. She's strong, and she has you." Kathy soothed.

Elliot didn't reply, instead his eyes flickered to the door. Kathy picked up on his unspoken wish and she backed away from him.

"You want to go back to her don't you?" Her voice was steady, but it carried a caustic undertone.

"What's that tone for? You don't want me to check on her?" Elliot sat up straighter, his voice defensive and illness forgotten.

"Elliot you've already spent 2 days with her." Kathy stressed, crossing her arms.

"You're the one who told me to go." Elliot rebutted, refusing to accept the blame.

"I said talk to her, not stay with her." She snapped, her own temper rising.

"She needed me Kath. What was I supposed to do?" Elliot's words held a tone of finality, as though the solution was obvious.

"Elliot don't start."

Kathy rose and walked back into their bedroom, turning on the lamp. Elliot followed her out, unwilling to let the issue drop and gearing up for an argument. However, her next words cut him short.

Kathy's back was to Elliot and her hands were wrapped around her arms, cradling herself from her own words.

"You love her don't you?" Her question came out as a statement, but there was no anger in her tone. Kathy turned around to face him, her own expression neutral as she awaited his reply.

Elliot's head was spinning. Of all the things for Kathy to say, this he never saw coming. The question knocked him off guard, and he scrambled to answer her. He fired back with another question.

"What? Just because I want to make sure she's okay you think that means I love her." Elliot's words fell flat and tension hung heavy in the air.

It wasn't a denial, and they both knew it.

Kathy looked at her husband, and Elliot tensed under her scrutiny. Sighing softly she sat on the bed, her eyes fixed on the quilt as her finger idly traced the spiral pattern.

"Go to her."

Her words were barely more than a whisper and Elliot had to strain to hear her, but the implication was clear.

"Kathy." Elliot's throat felt tight and he struggled to get the word out. Elliot wanted to run over to her, wrap her in his arms and apologize. He wanted to say that she was wrong, that he only loved her. But he didn't do any of these things because he knew it would only be an act.

She looked at him again, her eyes glassy. "Go" was all she said, and he did.

She watched him leave, finally acting on the truth that they had both known for a while.

Kathy didn't flinch when the bedroom door shut behind him, she was silent while the stairs creaked, and she didn't move when the front door opened. It was only when it shut that she allowed herself to break. Lying down on the bed, she wrapped her arms around a pillow and let herself cry.


	44. Chapter 44

**A/N: Things are starting to wrap up, just a couple of chapters left. Enjoy!**

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Elliot sat with his hands on the wheel. The car was still idling in the driveway; he couldn't quite make himself leave. The reality of what had just transpired began to wash over him. He was leaving his wife, for another woman.

Elliot banged his head against the wheel, ignoring the pain. For a moment he was clenched the desperate desire to turn off the ignition, run back inside, and beg for forgiveness. Yet, he stayed where he was. It was a lost cause and he knew it. He couldn't fix what they had because if he were being honest with himself, he had fallen out of love with Kathy long ago.

It didn't make it any easier. Elliot blinked furiously, fighting back tears. All those years of marriage, over, just like that. He knew the next few weeks would be a nightmare of lawyers, paperwork, and negotiation, but he couldn't think about that now. Right now he needed to see Olivia.

 _I need to tell her that I loved her, and make sure she knows I mean it. She doesn't have to deal with this on her own. We'll get through this together._ Elliot didn't care what he had to do to convince her, he wasn't ever going to leave her.

"Olivia." Elliot called through the door. He paused for a few seconds before knocking again. "Olivia, it's Elliot." He listened through the door for any sounds of movement, but all he heard was the dull noise of the television. Elliot checked his watch. It was later than he thought, she was probably asleep.

Elliot hesitated, mulling over his options. He hated to wake her, but he really needed to talk to her. Besides, going home right now was out of the question.

Olivia awoke to the sound of hammering. Dazed, she blinked slowly until the world came into focus. It wasn't hammering; someone was knocking at the door. Olivia tried to sit up groaning as she did. Her limbs were stiff from lying on the floor. She made it to a sitting position when she realized something was wrong.

She was breathing much too hard. Her chest heaving with each breath as though she had been running. Olivia tried to soothe herself to no avail. Panic was beginning to grip her and the sound of the door opening only intensified her fear.

"Olivia?"

Elliot, it was Elliot. His voice calmed her minutely and she heard his footsteps grow closer.

Elliot had twisted the key in the lock as his heart pounded in his chest. He told himself he was overreacting, Olivia was probably just sleeping. But his hand went to his off-duty weapon anyway. Holding it in front of him, Elliot crept into Olivia's apartment.

A cursory glance told him she was still staying on the couch, but then he caught sight of her ajar bedroom door. Elliot stalked forward, unsure of what he expected to find. He was almost there when a noise from the bathroom caught his attention.

Olivia was crouched on the floor with her head between her knees. Elliot breathed a sigh of relief and reholstered his gun. His panic ebbed away but was soon replaced by a different kind of fear as he knelt beside her.

She was shivering, her breath coming in short bursts as she rocked back and forth.

"It's okay Liv," he soothed. Elliot tentatively placed his hand on her shoulder and was relieved when she leaned into his touch.

Elliot ran his hands down her arms trying to calm her, but he was concerned when she flinched-her face screwed up in pain. Curiously, Elliot rolled up her sleeves and bit back a gasp. Olivia's arms were an angry red, the skin broken in places. When she turned away from him, he realized she had done that to herself.

"Oh Liv, it's alright," Elliot gently cradled her to him. "You're having a panic attack, just try to slow your breathing."

Olivia jerked back from Elliot, furiously shaking her head. She tried to talk to him but she couldn't catch her breath.

"No." was all she managed to eke out.

Elliot frowned at her response and examined her more closely; her skin was discolored and her trembling hadn't subsided. Elliot placed a hand to her forehead. She was burning up.

This wasn't a panic attack.

Olivia's eyes were wide and frightened, pleading with Elliot to understand. She tried to speak again but he shushed her.

"I'm taking you to the hospital." The relief was visible in her eyes.

Deciding against the ambulance, Elliot bent down next to Olivia. She lived close, he knew he could get there faster if he drove. Elliot scooped her into his arms and Olivia loosely wrapped her arms around his neck. He could feel her body shaking against him as he stood.

They reached the hospital in record time. Elliot was sure he had broken at least 8 traffic rules, but he didn't care. His only concern was Olivia. He kept murmuring reassurances to her, but she didn't seem to notice. Her breathing was still rapid and she was disoriented.

The car had hardly come to a stop before Elliot was out the door. He lifted Olivia who clung to him weakly and raced through the doors. Thankfully the waiting room was rather devoid of people, it didn't take long for them to be seen. Once the nurses caught sight of Olivia's condition, time sped up.

Within minutes they were wheeling her away and firing questions at him. Elliot answered best he could, but his head was spinning. Numerous times he had demanded to know what was wrong with her, but they ignored his questions and answered with more of their own. When they were finally satisfied that they had enough information about Olivia, two of them scurried away while the third guided Elliot to a small waiting room.

"Please, just tell me what's wrong," Elliot weakly pleaded with the nurse. The man smoothed his hands over his green scrubs, carefully wording his response.

"We're not sure yet. It may be serious or it could just be a fluke. As soon as we know something concrete, we'll tell you." With that the nurse left him to his thoughts.


	45. Chapter 45

**A/N: This chapter was difficult to write.**

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Elliot alternated between staring at his hands, tightly folded in his lap, and looking at the clock. Minutes ticked by with no news. Every time a nurse or doctor came near, Elliot found himself perched on the edge of his chair. The minutes slowly turned into hours and Elliot had nearly worn a rut in the carpet.

His thoughts were all over the place and he couldn't keep still any longer. Several times he had almost gone over to the nurses' station to demand information, but he held himself back reminding himself that sometimes no news was good news. He was both awaiting and dreading answers.

Terrified though he was, he could still cling to the hope that it was nothing- just a minor problem. One word could devastate that wish. That was also the reason he had yet to call anyone. Elliot slipped his phone out of his pocket several times, sometimes even going so far as to dial a number, but he always stopped himself. A phone call would make it real.

Elliot's throat was dry, but he immediately dismissed the thought of going to get a drink. He refused to take leave from his post; he needed to know about Olivia's condition the moment there was news. After a few more rotations around the room, a glimmer of light faintly shone on the faded carpet. The sun was beginning to peek over the horizon and Elliot let out a sardonic laugh, _these early morning hospital trips are becoming far too common._

After pacing a couple more circles, Elliot halted in his steps. He couldn't take it anymore, he needed to know-regardless of the response. Elliot strode towards the nurses' station and almost collided with the same nurse from earlier.

"Mr. Stabler, I was just coming to find you." The tone in the man's voice did nothing to abolish the bitter seed of worry gnawing in Elliot's gut. He let himself be led back into the waiting room but remained standing.

Sensing the man's tension, the nurse launched right into his dialogue without preamble.

"We ran some tests and they confirmed our initial diagnosis. Ms. Benson has sepsis."

Sepsis. The word tumbled through Elliot's clouded mind. He had heard the term before. Kathy had mentioned it once, something to do with infection.

"But you can treat that right?" The question came out as a demand, and Elliot's fists unconsciously curled. The nurse was unfazed.

"I'm sorry, we did everything we did but-"

"But!" Elliot cut him off, his heart now pounding so hard his chest ached.

"But there's nothing we can do. Sepsis is the body's extreme reaction to an infection, an infection which she could have picked up from anywhere. Normally we can treat it with a fair amount of success if we catch it early, but it has progressed quickly. Ms. Benson has a weaker immune system than we typically see in people her age.

"No. No, Olivia hardly ever gets sick," Elliot corrected the nurse, needing him to be wrong.

"I understand she had a splenectomy recently?" The nurse gently prodded, allowing Elliot to connect the pieces for himself.

Elliot froze as he took in the nurse's words. He honestly hadn't thought about the operation much; he was much more focused on Olivia's mental state and external injuries. The thought that that one stray bullet could kill her sickened him. Elliot blanched and stumbled backwards. Forcing away nausea he settled into his default. Anger coursed through him as he approached the nurse.

"NO! You're wrong. Olivia isn't dying. She's strong, she's already survived so much, she…" Elliot's words broke off and he bit back a sob. The nurse's unwavering gaze of professionalism mixed with empathy drained the fight out of him. Elliot leaned his shoulder against the wall, exhausted.

"You can see her now. Is there anyone you want us to call?" The nurse pulled out a notepad and Elliot nearly fell apart. Phone calls meant urgency, which meant time was running out. Robotically, Elliot rattled off the captain's number. He would let him handle the rest.

Elliot followed the nurse down the hall and through the double doors marked ICU. He stopped outside a door nestled in the corner. Elliot could only see the foot of the bed through the window. He rested his hand on the door, then turned back to the nurse.

"How long does she have?" His words were strained, but he needed to know.

"I'll make that call now," was the nurse's only answer. The man turned and sped down the hall leaving Elliot alone. His legs felt like lead, and he was shaking so bad he thought he might faint.

Clenching his fists so tight his knuckles turned white, Elliot summoned all of his strength. He didn't have time to fall apart, that could come later. Right now he needed to be strong, for Olivia.

Schooling his features into a calm expression as he had done so many times before Elliot entered the room and slowed to a stop when he saw her. She looked so small lying in the hospital bed. Her eyes were closed and her skin was paper white. She looked dead.

Elliot hurried over to her nearly tripping over himself, terrified he was already too late. Relief rushed through him as he spotted the subtle rise and fall of her chest. An oxygen mask obscured her face, but he could tell her breaths were shallow.

Elliot pulled up a chair and interlaced their fingers. Her hand was cool to the touch and Elliot folded his other hand over her, trying in vain to warm her. He studied her face, willing her to look at him.

Her fingers lightly twitched in his grasp.

"Olivia. Liv, can you hear me?" Elliot tried to quell his desperation, his calm demeanor rapidly crumbling. She emitted a soft groan in response and her eyelids fluttered open.

Brown eyes met blue and for a moment all was right.

"Olivia, you're going to be-" Elliot trailed off, his heartfelt promise a ghost on his lips. He couldn't lie to her, it would do no good. Olivia nodded slowly, her eyes were misty; she knew.

Elliot racked his mind for the something to say, but nothing seemed appropriate. Instead he gripped her hand tighter and drew closer to her. Her eyes never wavered from his face.

One of the things that made them so dynamic as partners was their ability to know what the other was thinking with just one glance. They fell into this rhythm now. A decade of unsaid words passed seamlessly between them. The beeping of the monitors was the only sound, but the room was rife with conversation.

Hours seemed to have passed but the sun remained high in the sky. A few times Olivia faltered, her eyes slipping closed before she forced them back open. Her grip on his hand loosened and Elliot knew.

Her clock was running out.

His own tears rose, threatening to fall. He wanted to spend the rest of his life with her, he never imagined that hers would end first. A tear trickled down his cheek and he let it be.

"Olivia, I love you. I always have, and I always will." Elliot chocked out the words, emotion heavy in his voice. His eyes pleaded with her to believe him, he needed her to know.

Olivia blinked, and her own tears spilled over. She mumbled something but it was muffled. Olivia slipped her free hand up to her face, and struggled to lift the mask. Elliot tried to help her but she pulled away and increased her efforts, determined to do it on her own. Finally she succeeded, her arm trembling from the exertion.

"El, I love you." Olivia's words were scarcely more than a whisper, but Elliot heard her perfectly. Sincerity bled into her words as tears obscured her vision. Olivia blinked rapidly, clearing her eyes. She needed Elliot to be the last thing she saw.

Elliot leaned down and pulled her into a loving embrace. Olivia wrapped her arms around Elliot and she clung to him. Elliot's tears wet her hair but he held on to Olivia until he felt her go limp in his arms.

The next few moments were a flurry of commotion. The monitors next to him were beeping and footsteps raced down the hall. Elliot gently laid Olivia back down before the door flew open. Her eyes were closed and she looked at peace. A team of nurses swarmed her bedside, but Elliot barely noticed.

Gentle hands ushered him from his seat and he had no strength left to resist. He let them guide him to the door. Elliot realized they were reassuring him they were doing everything they could, but he knew it didn't matter. She was gone.

Elliot shuffled out into the hallway, barely cognizant of where he was going. Belatedly he realized he had found his way back to the same waiting room he had spent the last few hours, and he wasn't alone. Hurrying in the door were Cragen, Munch and Fin, all of them looking like they had literally rolled out of bed.

Absently he noted that John's shirt was on backwards. Normally he would tease him about his oversight, but right now he hardly had the energy to stand. His eyes met their anxious faces and Elliot forced his tongue to work.

"She's gone." Those two little words were all he could manage, but it was all that needed to be said. Trancelike, Elliot walked out of the room, leaving the men to their anguish. Everywhere he turned felt wrong. The white walls blinded him and the sterile scent made him ill. Elliot ambled down the hallways towards the entrance, he needed fresh air. Once outside he took a shuddering gasp. Elliot leaned against the building across from a row of parked cars. He inhaled mouthfuls of air as though he had been drowning.

In a way he was.

Olivia had always been the one to keep him afloat, but now she was gone. The words felt wrong in his head. Olivia was passionate, driven, a force to be reckoned with; she couldn't just die, not like that. But she had.

A noise caught his attention. The hospital doors slid open and out came a nurse pushing a brunette woman in a wheelchair. From one of the parked cars a beaming child ran out followed by a man carrying balloons. The woman rose out of the chair and knelt to pick up the child before embracing the man. The scene was innocent enough, but it wracked Elliot with grief. People recovered and went back to their families every day, why couldn't she?

Whirling around, Elliot curled his right hand into a fist and aimed it at the solid brick behind him. Pain flared up his arm, but he paid it no mind. He grit his teeth and reared back for another hit but a firm hand on his arm stopped him.

Elliot wrenched himself out of the grasp and spun around to find himself face to face with Cragen. The man's eyes were watery and tired lines creased his face, but he carried himself with a strength that Elliot envied.

"Hurting yourself won't bring her back. Olivia's gone Elliot." Hearing the words out loud was more than he could handle. Cragen rested his hand on his shoulder, and Elliot broke.


	46. Chapter 46

**A/N: Final chapter! Thanks to everyone who read/enjoyed this story. I truly enjoyed hearing your thoughts. Sorry to everyone who was shocked by the last chapter, but I never intended for this to be a happy story.**

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The next few days went by in a fog, and Elliot went through the motions like a zombie. Kathy had been benevolent enough to let him come home, granting him the spare bedroom. The kids crept around quietly careful not to disturb him, not that he would have noticed. He hardly paid attention to anything anymore.

Elliot just wanted to shut himself away from the world but as Olivia's executer, he didn't have that option. Olivia had been meticulous in settling her affairs, but it was still a hassle to go through. Fortunately Casey intervened and guided him through what needed to be done. As he was going over her will one part in particular made him smile. Olivia had designated all of her funds to go towards a women's shelter. Even in death she was still protecting victims.

The day of the funeral loomed over him and Elliot willed it to never come. His sleep grew more fitful every passing night, and his days were an empty void. Had it not been for Kathy bringing meals to his door, he wouldn't have bothered with eating. Even so the food tasted bland, and he only ate out of habit.

Eventually it came.

Kathy slipped into his darkened room adorned in a simple black dress and prodded him out of bed. He let her dress him and followed her to the car, sinking down in the passenger seat. The kids piled in the other car, Kathleen at the wheel. A sad smile crossed Elliot's face, she finally got to drive.

It was a gloomy morning; the sky gray and overcast, and cold winds ripped through the air. It pleased Elliot. It felt only fitting that the atmosphere should reflect his sorrows. All joy had left his world the moment she did.

Olivia once told Elliot she wanted her funeral to be a modest affair; she would have been thoroughly astounded. Large throngs of people spilled out onto the grass. The chairs had long since been filled, and still more people came crowding behind them. Elliot spotted familiar faces of survivors, officers, and lawyers alike as Kathy led him to the front row. He lowered himself into his reserved seat next to Fin and Kathy sat down beside him.

Elliot took one last look around. Olivia's distant brother, Simon, lingered among the crowd and he caught sight of Dean Porter and Dana Lewis. There were cops present from other precincts, even a few from Jersey.

Elliot shook his head, Olivia had touched so many people and she didn't even know it. There was just something about her that captivated people and drew them in, but she was blind to the effect she had.

Elliot hardly noticed when the service began. The Chief of D's and other higher ups spoke of Olivia's merits, but Elliot didn't hear. Instead his mind drifted to thoughts of her and memories of their past.

Personal remarks came around and Cragen was the first to go, praising Olivia as one of his best detectives. Fin followed speaking of her tenacity and integrity, and Munch relayed an amusing tale of a mishap in the field, lightening the mood. Finally all eyes were on him.

Elliot hadn't intended to speak, if it wasn't for Kathy he wouldn't have even come. Being here in front of her grave was hard enough to bear, but he found himself rising to his feet anyway; he owed her that much.

Elliot walked to the microphone and stopped. He didn't have a speech prepared, but he found he didn't need one. The words came easily.

"Olivia was my partner." He began, and Elliot felt he could leave the podium right then. To him no more words were needed, that one phrase summed up everything he felt about Olivia, it always had; yet he made himself go on.

"She was one of the most compassionate people I know, and that was what made her such a good cop and a good person. Olivia dedicated her life to getting justice for anyone who was wronged, and the world is a better place because she was in it. I will never forget her."

Elliot's voice wavered on his last sentence and his mouth clamped shut. He stiffly made his way back to his seat, and dropped down in his chair. He felt that he hadn't said enough, but he knew he never could. All the words in the world couldn't do Olivia justice.

Elliot remained motionless throughout the rest of the service until the last radio call filtered through his ears. He didn't try to hide his tears as they fell. People around him began to stand and Elliot followed suit. A flower was thrust into his hand and he grasped it tightly.

Slowly people walked to the covered casket and laid down a lily. Elliot let them all go by one by one until he was the last one remaining. The crowd had dispersed, some meandering to their cars, others lingering to talk.

Finally Elliot willed himself to move. He haltingly stepped to the flower-laden casket and his hand hovered over it. He couldn't quite make himself release the flower. Letting go of the lily felt like letting go of her. Elliot gazed at the picture of Olivia next to her casket. She was in her dress blues and her deep brown eyes stared at him reflecting their warmth. He wanted to stay there forever, but he knew he couldn't. Unable to turn away, Elliot closed his eyes and let the white lily fall.

Elliot took a shuddering breath. It was only a flower, but it felt like so much more. Elliot glanced out the corner of his eye and spied Kathy a distance away huddled with the kids, her back to him. Reality crashed over him.

He was alone.


End file.
